


Pity

by Everyday_Im_Preaching



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Anxiety, Blindness, Crying, Cunnilingus, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Blindness, F/M, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Eyesight, Masturbation, Memories, PTSD, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-14 03:53:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 45,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12999279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everyday_Im_Preaching/pseuds/Everyday_Im_Preaching
Summary: In war, everyone makes sacrifices. And Ryder has made enough that she couldn't count all of them on her fingers and toes--at this point, one would think that she had given enough, that the universe was finally satisfied.The problem with that, however, is that the universe is never satisfied.





	1. In War, There Are No Winners, Only Losers

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome readers new and old! I've been wanting to do this idea for awhile now--and while I have four good reasons not too, I did it anyway. So if you like this fic, or the idea of it, or read it for my writing and find yourself enjoying it, please leave a comment below-- **it assures that there will be a next chapter!**  
>  Thank you in advance!

 

“Ryder— _Sara._ Sara, I’m not sure how to tell you this,” There was a shake in Lexi’s voice as she spoke. Ryder pressed her lips into a stiff line, keeping her face firmly planted in her hands as the doctor attempted to continue. Lexi cleared her throat, as if trying to fish out the words from somewhere deep in her chest.

There was the quiet sound of military-grade heels as they clicked against the tile of the floor, sending a ricochet of phantom pain through Ryder’s chest. Each step was reminiscent of the sound of a guillotine hitting the chopping block. If her vision wasn’t already blurry, she’d have damned her unshed tears for making it so. Gentle fingers laid themselves on Ryder’s shoulder, and then squeezed.

Lexi cleared her throat again. “The damage that was dealt to your optic nerves in your last fight with the Archon was…severe. I have no idea how you’ve gone this long without noticing, without _me_ noticing. But…you’re…”

Ryder’s head jerked up out of her hands, jaw set. The world around her was a mess of colour, all swept together like a wet watercolour. “I’m going blind,” The words were equal parts choked and dry as they came out of her mouth. Ryder tried to smile, but her lips failed her, trembling instead. “It’s okay, Lexi. No need to beat around the bush—I mean, it’s about time I get put out to pasture, right?” Ryder ended her sentence with a fake, broken laugh.

“No, of course not. We have the technology—”

“— _the technology was left behind in the Milky Way Galaxy,_ ” Ryder whispered, inhaling a shaky breath. She turned her head toward Lexi, smiling at her again. “But hey. I’m finally getting that vacation, right?”

Lexi sighed, lifting a gloved hand to gently touch Ryder’s cheek with one of her knuckles. “We’ll find a way to fix this, Sara.”

_We will._ SAM’s resolution in her head was far stronger than Lexi’s, if not equally as perplexed.

 

It wasn’t as if nobody had volunteered to take _care_ of Ryder. In fact, every member of the Tempest was ready to drop the entire mission in order to make sure she was both comfortable and safe. But Ryder felt guilty at the very idea of it—after all, the universe didn’t put itself on pause because she suddenly couldn’t use a gun. The crew of the Tempest had to continue forward and assist the other Pathfinder’s in their plight to make the other planets of the systems survivable.

One person couldn’t—and Ryder certainly _wouldn’t—_ try to stand in the way of that.

So, cane in hand, she found herself in the care of the Moshae as she was led through the streets of Aya. Ryder had been far too ashamed to be escorted by her friends, and had intended to be led to the resistance headquarters by a guard. The Moshae, of course, had heard, and decided to do it herself. And had even insisted on carrying her bag.

“I really appreciate you volunteering Evfra to do this,” Ryder told the angara beside her, uselessly squinting into a darkened version of the world around her. The crew had fished up a pair of dark glasses for her upon Liam’s insistence, claiming that they couldn’t have their Pathfinder walking around looking anything short of _cool._ Ryder had thanked him, or what she guessed was his silhouette. If it wasn’t, nobody had corrected her.

Ryder let out a soft sigh, shoulders slumping forward. “I know that I’m a far cry from his favourite person. And I know this is an inconvenience. That I…I’m kind of an inconvenience.”

The Moshae squeezed her arm gently. “I volunteered no one, Pathfinder.” She said.  

The sound of little feet padded past Ryder, and the kind call of her name had her turning her head toward the noise. She smiled on instinct, and she heard a bubbling, cheerful giggle in return. She lifted a hand, perhaps to wave, and then lowered it again when she realised that she didn’t know where she was waving.

“What do you mean you didn’t volunteer anyone?” Ryder questioned, squinting again at the path before them. Lexi had told her that she would still reflexively squint, but she should try to minimize it if she could—putting too much stress on her eyes would cause her already rapid loss of eyesight to take a nosedive.

“Exactly what I said,” the Moshae responded. She tugged at Ryder’s arm. “And it is an honour to host you here. We’d have done no less for any other wounded soldier that returned from the front lines.” The Moshae stopped, and Ryder did the same. She let out a soft hum, and nudged at Ryder’s feet. “There is a set of steps here, Pathfinder.”

“Hey, thanks,” Ryder told her, carefully feeling out the steps with her feet. The Moshae, obviously made of pure, unfiltered patience, took each step with her, keeping a tight grip on Ryder’s arm. “You can call me Sara, if you want. I mean, if they can’t find some miraculous way to cure my eyesight, well—well,” Ryder took a deep breath, letting the realisation settle in the deep of her gut. At least what she could stomach of it. “Well, I won’t be Pathfinder anymore. They’ve already temporarily transferred SAM to Scott.”

“Ryder.” Her name was spoken like an order, but Ryder couldn’t turn her head toward the angara. _It wouldn’t matter if I did._ She murmured to herself, bringing up a hand and knocking her glasses aside to brush at her eyes. “ _Sara._ Look at me.”

“I’m fine,” Ryder said, taking in a shaky, uneven breath. She straightened up the best she could, smiling at the Moshae-shaped blob beside her. “See? No tears. Just got a little dust in my eyes. Let’s mosey on inside before Evfra thinks I’ve tripped off the edge of the docking bay.”

Ryder paused, trying to make out what was in front of her. It wasn’t quite big enough to be the doors to the headquarters—at least not the ones she knew. She turned her head toward the Moshae, and then back to the unknown door. “Moshae Sjefa, where are we?”

The front door creaked open, equal parts unsettling and inviting. A blue blob she, again, couldn’t recognise stood in the doorway, partially blocking the utterly _delicious_ smell that was wafting out of the house.

“My home.” _Evfra._

Ryder wanted to run. _This is a natural reaction, yeah. Completely natural._ She whispered to herself, even as she stood frozen on his doorstep. Sure, Ryder had known that she was going to be staying with Evfra—but something about being brought directly to his house was daunting.

“Well, wish I would have known about this earlier.” Ryder muttered, voice infinitesimal compared to the beating of her heart.

“The Moshae and I thought it better that you rest,” Evfra told her, words lacking their natural bite. “And you’d be dreadfully bored, if you had to stay locked up in my office for the rest of the evening. At least, here, you can sleep.”

Ryder clicked her tongue, letting the Moshae lead her inside. “I think you’re underestimating the number of uncomfortable places I can sleep in.” There was no laughter, not even a giggle. Ryder nodded to herself. “Rough crowd. Don’t worry, at the end of my stay you’ll either want to smother me with a pillow, or you’ll be giving me sympathy chuckles. I will appreciate either.”

“ _Ryder._ ” Again, with the sharp, unforgiving tone. This time from Evfra.

Ryder rose her hands in defence. “I’m joking, I’m joking. Man, let a woman keep her sense of humour. It’s the only thing I’ve got left,” She bumped into what felt like a chair, stumbling backwards and blinking, trying her best to see it. But it wouldn’t _focus._ She grunted, letting her hand glide down until it reached the seat. “I can sit here, right?”

“Yes,” Evfra’s voice was barely on the edge of cracking. _Pity._ Ryder’s inner voice reminded her. She shook her head, trying to focus on where Evfra’s voice was coming from. “As you know, you will be staying here on Aya for an indeterminate length of time. Partially due to the stability of Aya in comparison to your own settlements and space station.”

“I did an okay job.” Ryder told him, going to cross her arms over her chest; she hit herself in the face with her cane, and grimaced—Ryder carefully searched for the edge of the table, and then leaned her cane against it.

“It was far more than okay, Ryder.” The Moshae told her; her words in that moment were gentler than they had ever been in Ryder’s presence. Ryder withheld the desire to sigh. _Pity._ Pity now that she couldn’t see. _A new life to grow accustomed to._

The Moshae took a seat as well, sitting close to Ryder. “Whilst Evfra is at work, we intend to bring in some of the women to help attend to anything you might need—I have no doubt that you’ll get used to both the layout of the house and cabinets in no time. But until then, we’d rather you be safe.”

“And use your cane,” Evfra reminded. The blue blur that Ryder assumed was him came over, something white and blob-like in his hands. He set what Ryder thought was a dish in front of her, smelling far too delectable for its own good. There was the clanking of metal as silverware was set beside it. “Over the last few days, I’ve attempted to make the place as navigable as possible.”

“Thanks.” Ryder told him, trying not to sound glum at the mention of her cane. Or running into things. Carefully, so as not to knock them off the table, Ryder reached for the utensils and ran a hand over them. She picked up the fork when she found it, showing it to the Moshae. “Is this what I need to eat whatever that is? Or is this more of a spoon sort of thing?”

“A fork will do.” She replied.

Ryder gave her a thumbs up, bringing the fork down to tap at the edge of the bowl. “How did you know I was going to be hungry?”

“I recall you saying, once, that you were _always_ hungry.” Evfra replied. “After your meal, I will show you—” Evfra cut himself off with a quick intake of breath. “—I will take you to your quarters, and the Moshae will instruct you in the more intimate amenities, such as how to use the shower and bath.”

“Hey man, first thing we have to get squared away is this: do _not_ worry about offending me at first. We’re both going to have to get used to it, after all,” She took a hopeful breath and sunk her fork into the meal before her. “And I’m sure I’ll slip up too, somewhere. Mistakes will be made, toes are going to be stepped on. But life will go on. Nature’s forgiving like that.”

 

The meal ended too quickly, with a painful exchange of small talk that was mostly between Evfra and the Moshae. It felt like listening to a conversation between people walking across shards of glass. Or better yet, people _eating_ glass.

As Evfra said, Ryder was taken to a sizable bedroom after dinner that had no lock  (in case of emergencies, Evfra had intoned, before she could ask) and a small bathroom that the Moshae took a painstakingly long time to explain the use of. Ryder thanked her considerably, half-confident that she’d never need most of the information. But it was always good to be prepared.

“And if I nor one of the aids are here, I’m sure you remember how to use your comm.” Evfra told her. Ryder nodded, letting her hand rest on her bare arm where it was supposed to be—her communicator was left in the bottom of a now mostly empty bag that the Moshae had unpacked for her.

Evfra continued to explain in short, brief sentences where the laundry basket, light switch, and trash can were in her room. Ryder listened, still only half-interested. All of the courage that had fuelled her was slowly draining out through her feet as she realised just how much of a burden she had become.

After a bit of small talk, once again mostly between the Moshae and Evfra, the Moshae left. She said something kind and friendly to Ryder, who did her best to match it, but the weight in her chest left her voice feeling rather heavy and slippery on her vocal cords. Evfra left with the Moshae—he left the room, at least—leaving Ryder sitting on the edge of her new bed.

“Well, time to make the best of a bad situation,” Ryder told herself through the thickness lodged in her throat. She blinked away traitorous tears and let her hands hang between her knees. “We’re good at that. I mean, we’re on Aya, with Evfra—he’s pretty neat.” She closed her eyes, taking a steadying breath.

With shaking fingers, Ryder pulled her glasses off her face and gripped them in her hands. “I could be dead. Scott could be dead—my eyes are a small price to pay for his life.” She cautiously brushed her thumb across the glasses lens. “And the Kett are defeated. That’s good. I helped with that. And hey, nobody’s going to get onto us— _me_ for sleeping in, right? Hello long nights staying up listening to all those shitty audio books that my father recommended.”

Ryder sighed, and then folded the glasses. She slowly stood and shuffled to the small end table on the other side of the room, setting them there like a misbegotten art piece. They were sat right next to a picture frame, rectangular and simple. Ryder didn’t need to see it in order to know it was a picture of her family, all hugging and smiling and _happy._

“This fucking _sucks._ ” Ryder whispered to herself, shambling back over to the bed and feeling along the soft quilts before sitting down upon it. She propped her head into her hands, staring at the wall opposite. “This _really_ fucking sucks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, friends.
> 
> Edited by me! So, you know.  
> Not.
> 
> Song(s) that inspired this fic:  
> Kimi Shidai Ressha (キミシダイ列車) v=by One OK Rock  
> Someday (Just Want You To Know) by Divide the Day  
> Shades of Blue by Ashton Edminister  
> The Sun and the Moon by Annalise Emerick  
> Higher by With Confidence 
> 
> Want to stay updated? Click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to stay in the know!


	2. The Beginnings of Routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! If you enjoyed this chapter, I'd love for you to leave a comment below! (Please?)

That night was restless.

Ryder never slept _well,_ despite her earlier teasing. Her nights were often plagued by the barrage of gunfire and the twisted, broken faces of the dead—tonight, however, didn’t feature the howling voices of those she’d killed, but the visages of her friends.

They stood in a circle around her, their faces turned down and away in what looked like shame; or maybe guilt? Ryder swore she saw anger there as well, pressed into wrinkles and downturned lips. No matter what Ryder said or did, they kept their eyes on the floor, unwilling to look at her. With each begging cry, they shunned her further, letting her wear her voice out in the silent void around them. Their lack of acknowledgement bred loneliness. And for some reason that was _worse._

The loneliness that Ryder felt was far worse than cutting words and poking, prodding fingers. It was worse than the accusations, worse than the sound of her men taking their last breath on the battlefield. This loneliness, it _killed_ her. She found herself curling up in the centre of the noiseless circle, pressing her hands over her ears and opening her mouth to scream—

\---but instead she woke, clinging at mussed sheets with only a whisper of the vision lingering in her mind. Like any other bad dream, the fear of it disappeared upon waking; but the loneliness remained, hollow and heavy in her chest. She tried to blink the world into focus around her, chest shuddering with her unspent scream.

Ryder clenched her teeth against a sob and rolled to face the wall, refusing to make a sound. She had to stop clinging to the visual world—it was no longer there to steady and reassure her.

“It was just a nightmare,” She told herself, closing her eyes. “Just a nightmare—nothing to worry about. Everything is going to be fine. We’re going to be fine.” Ryder curled her legs up under her, clutching her blanket tighter.

A light rap on her door had her eyes flickering open; the door opened shortly after, and Ryder looked over her shoulder to see two silhouettes she didn’t recognise enter the room. They stepped softly, and then upon realising she was awake, they greeted her.

“Hello there, Sara.” The one closest to her greeted; due to their voices Ryder pinned them as female angara within seconds. “My name is Dhansa, and this is Mohni.” Ryder assumed that Dhansa had gestured at the similarly coloured blob beside her, so she nodded.

Mohni spoke next, voice lower and a tad raspier than Dhansa. Ryder catalogued this for future memory, since she couldn’t rely on her eyesight. “We are here to aid you throughout the day.”

“I figured you weren’t here to rob me,” Ryder teased, rolling over completely and tossing her legs over the side of the bed. Both Dhansa and Mohni stepped back, and Ryder winced. “Sorry, I’m still getting used to my lack of depth perception.”

“No need to apologise.” Dhansa soothed. “We thought you might like to start the day off with a bath, and then breakfast.”

Ryder’s stomach growled in response, and the two angara laughed softly.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Ryder told them; a set of hands gripped at her arm and shoulder, helping her rise off the bed. “Thanks.”

Ryder heard the door to her closet slide open, and then the sound of clothes and hangers brushing against each other. Dhansa began to lead her through the bedroom, and Ryder found herself slightly irked—she wasn’t _entirely_ blind. She could find her way to the bathroom—but then she quelled the emotion.

This anger wasn’t meant for the angaran women, instead, it was meant for  the _situation._ It was meant for _herself_ —taking it out on Dhansa and Mohni, or anyone else for that matter, wasn’t fair in the least.

“How’s the weather outside?” Ryder asked as she walked into the bathroom; the floor beneath her feet was mildly damp, and the air was humid and heavy with the promise of heated water. “Oh man, you guys must have snuck in here while I was sleeping. Pretty easy, right? I sleep like the dead.”

Dhansa chuckled, and that was when Ryder realized Mohni hadn’t followed them into the bathroom.

“It’s rather dreary outside right now, actually. Storming something awful—if you listen carefully, you can hear the rain.” Dhansa briefly let go of Ryder.

Ryder cocked her head to the side; there was the faintest sound of pattering against the roof, but nothing that she would have considered a _storm._ “It’s kind of quiet for a storm, isn’t it?”

“These buildings are made of thick stone; nearly soundproof.” The door opened behind them, and Ryder turned and squinted; she could vaguely make out who she thought was Mohni handing something to Dhansa and then disappearing with the shutting of the door.

Dhansa set whatever it was aside. “However, we can take a peek outside after breakfast, if you’d like.”

“Yeah, I think I’d like that.” Ryder told her, blinking and furrowing her brows. “I’ve always loved rain. Smelling it, dancing in it—” she turned her face downward, letting out a sigh. “—watching it. I don’t think I’ll ever have the chance to watch it again, though.”

A soft shushing noise reached her ears, and a hand laid itself on her shoulder.

“You do not need eyes to see, Sara.” Dhansa told her. Ryder cocked an eyebrow at her in confusion, but the woman simply pet her shoulders. “Let’s get you into the bath.”

 _Great._  Ryder grumbled inwardly.  _Seems like fortune cookie bullshit extends to this galaxy too._

Ryder shook her head, and put on a smile. 

“I’ve never been in an angaran bath before,” Ryder told Dhansa, tugging her shirt off; she thought to throw it for a moment but instead held it out to the angara beside her. If Ryder threw it now, she’d no doubt trip on it later. “I’ve always preferred baths over showers—and you know, after six-hundred years, you’d think they’d splurge on one, right? But no,” She went to unbutton her pants. “Showers. Showers everywhere.”

“Ah, what a tragedy.” Dhansa affirmed, voice mildly muted and sounding a bit far away. Ryder winced—she hadn’t meant to bore Dhansa, or really ramble at all. It just came out.

Ryder went once again  to speak, but Dhansa spoke first.

“Human anatomy is…odd.” Dhansa said, and then immediately choked on her words. “Oh, goodness, I apologise. I promise I’m not staring.”

Ryder snorted, shoving down her pants. “Stare all you like. I have no shame.” Underwear came next, and then was kicked to the side. Dhansa bent to collect both articles of clothing. “I’ve been naked in front of plenty of strangers—the military offers curtains between showers, but more often than not you’re too tired to close them.”

“It is still rude of me.” Dhansa replied. Hands, now careful, gripped her arm. “Careful where you step, now. The lip of the tub is a tad high.”

“Thanks for watching out for my toes, sis.” Ryder teased, shuffling forward until her feet touched the cool of the stone tub. She lifted her leg, then paused. “How, uh. How high do I need to lift my leg?”

Strong fingers wrapped around her leg and lifted it a bit higher; the same fingers guided it back down, into warm, heated water. Ryder shuddered at the temperature difference, and jerked her other leg up so she could fully stand, and then _sit_ in the water.

“Where did Mohni go?” Ryder asked as she sat down; Dhansa had offered her hand to help her sit, and Ryder took it without question.

“She went to finish making breakfast—we started it early this morning, a few hours before you woke. We didn’t wake you upon our arrival because we figured you could use the sleep.” Dhansa told her.

Ryder nodded, letting out a soft hum. “I didn’t sleep very well either way.” She drew her knees up to her chest, not really surprised at how deep the tub was. Angara were larger beings, she supposed, so their tubs were deeper due to practicality.

There was silence between the two for a moment, where neither of them moved; or Ryder didn’t hear Dhansa move, anyway. Burying her face in her knees, Ryder took a deep, concentrated breath, drawing in the thick, humid air and letting her shoulders slump forward.

 

Dhansa helped her wash and condition her hair with a product that had been delivered by Vetra earlier in the morning; when Vetra had heard that Ryder was sleeping, she had left, leaving behind good wishes. Or so Dhansa told Ryder. As for the rest of her body, Dhansa let Ryder take care of it, which she appreciated more than Dhansa could ever know.

“Look at me, freshly scrubbed and really hungry.” Ryder announced as she entered the kitchen, damp hair and all. Mohni greeted her whilst Dhansa led her to one of the chairs at the kitchen table. “Whatever you’ve got over there smells _delicious._ ”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Pathfinder.” Mohni told her. Ryder watched the vague shape of her; she was coming over to the table, something grasped in either one of her hands.

“I’m not the Pathfinder.” Ryder told her, shifting awkwardly in her chair. “SAM’s been transferred over to my brother, he’s uh…” She let out an uncertain hum. “…currently acting Pathfinder. For now.”

Mohni and Dhansa went quiet, and a sense of unease filled the air between the three women. Ryder cleared her throat, looking down at the two dishes set in front of her; one of them was obviously the source of the smell. It was a heavy, hearty smell—obviously chock-full of something far healthier and homemade than her usual fare.

Ryder cleared her throat. “Anyway, you can call me Sara. Just like Dhansa.” She turned her head to the side, not entirely sure how to go about eating what was in front of her. “Speaking of, you two have amazing names.”

This broke the angara’s silence, and they laughed in time with each other.

“Why thank you, Sara.” Mohni told her; Ryder’s name rolled off her tongue experimentally, not quite right but cute enough that the human couldn’t find a reason to complain. “Your name is amazing as well. As well as _very_ foreign. But I suppose that’s normal, since you’re from a different galaxy.”

“I suppose it is.” Ryder agreed. “So. I’m not entirely sure as to what I’m looking at here.” She tapped the table.

“Ah, I apologise.” Dhansa shifted closer, pulling a seat over so she could help Ryder. “There is bread, over to your right, that you use as a utensil to eat the _masova._ ” She tapped the edge of what sounded to be a bowl. “It is…hard to explain. I assure you it’s good, however, if a bit messy.”

Ryder made a low noise in the back of her throat. “I’m already a messy eater, and that’s when I can see what I’m eating.” She gently pat around the table until she found the edge of the plate with the bread; the bread itself was flat and soft—and a bit powdery. Ryder poked and prodded at it for a moment, and then tore a piece off and popped it in her mouth.

It was bread. Ryder let out a soft grunt. She didn’t know what else she was expecting.

“Okay, so just…do I tear off the pieces and then dunk it or do I fold the entire thing and…just go at it?”

There was the sound of plates on the countertop in the kitchen, no doubt for both Mohni and Dhansa.

“Tear it into smaller pieces first.” Mohni recommended. “It’s easier that way.”

Ryder did as she was instructed, mildly fearing whatever she was sticking her hand into; it was warm and mildly sticky, but she could make out what felt like little pieces of rice as well as other chunks. It was easily scoopable, filling the small, folded pocket that Ryder had made out of the bread.

What it failed at texture-wise was quickly forgiven when Ryder _tasted_ the dish. It was indeed something similar to rice, with pieces of meat and unknown vegetables. The entire dish was held together with a savoury cream.

“Tastes as good as it smells.” Ryder complimented before ripping off another piece of the bread in her hands. She paused, and then tilted her head up at the angara. She knew that they were a very tightly woven, friendly people--who’s to say they didn’t share meals as well? “I’m not sure how meal etiquette amongst angara works.”

“We both have our own bowls, Sara. Please, dig in.”  Dhansa told her, voice warmer than Ryder felt she deserved. She nodded, focusing her limited sight back on the meal in front of her.

Ryder finished everything, much to the angarans delight—a plastic cup of water had appeared at some point, and she had drunk greedily from it. And to her surprise, she didn’t spill a drop.

“What does your ‘initiative’ feed you?” Mohni asked; she had relocated to the chair opposite of Dhansa’s. “It seems like nothing at all, the way you eat.”

“I have a very high metabolism, and a very large stomach.” Ryder told Mohni, using the last bit of bread to clean the leftover cream from the bottom of the bowl. “I’m a very hungry person.”

Ryder popped the last bit of food into her mouth. “I’m just going to get fat now that I’m not training or working constantly.” She leaned an elbow on the table and sighed; there were so many things to miss, now. The kick of an N7 Crusader. Stained glass. Lightning clawing at the underbelly of clouds—things she never thought she took for granted—but now knew that she had done little else but.  

“I’m sure we can work in some exercise.” Dhansa told her, clearing away Ryder’s dishes. “Ah, yes. You wanted to see the storm, didn’t you?”

“I did.” Ryder affirmed, going to stand; her chair nearly fell over behind her, but she reflexively caught it. Pride surged in her chest as she moved it out of her way. “Reflexes for the win—guess I’m not entirely useless _just_ yet.”

“Quiet with that talk.” Mohni chirped, silencing Ryder. “Let’s get a coat on you, before we go outside. It’s a little chilly.”

Ryder moved away from her chair with Dhansa’s assistance. “Chilly? On Aya? Am I missing something?”

“Aya is typically very temperate—but we still have a bit of a cold season, in the beginning of the year.” Mohni said. “Nothing incredibly concerning—we do not get snow or frost, but enough to warrant a jacket. For humans, at least.”

“Huh. Learn something new every day.” Ryder hummed; she jumped when something brushed her hand, then grabbed at it when she realised it was the aforementioned jacket.

Dhansa chuckled. “I’m sure that you will be an expert on Aya in no time, Sara.” Her free hand grabbed Ryder’s, squeezing it. “This is as much as your home now as it is ours. If you have any questions—any at all—don’t be afraid to ask.”

 _Home._ Ryder tilted her head down, looking at the black and white of her coat. _Right._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! 
> 
> Song for this chapter:  
> Angels by Owl City
> 
>  
> 
> Want to stay updated? Click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to stay in the know!


	3. In The Eye of It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks in advance for reading! As always, I love to hear from you, so please leave a comment below if you enjoyed. It helps me stay inspired for this fic.

 

As soon as Ryder was outside, her bad vision was forgotten. Before the angaran women could stop her, Ryder was down the front steps, darting down the slippery stone as if it were nothing; she nearly lost her balance at the bottom, getting a short chorus of fear from behind her. 

“I’m fine.” Ryder called, thrusting her hands upward. Dhansa was  _ right.  _ The rain outside was nothing less than a storm. Hundreds of raindrops pounded against the solid stone of the road and beat uselessly at the arms of her coat. They were cold, and smacked against her cheeks and the palms of her hands almost angrily. 

“Your immune system is different than ours.” Dhansa said when she caught up to Ryder. She had to be shouting to be heard over the rain, her mouth absurdly close to Ryder’s ear. “You’ll catch a cold if you stay out here, like this.” 

Ryder laughed, and then took a step back from her. “But I like it out here.” She crowed, bouncing all the balls of her feet. “It’s so loud. I love it.” Thunder rolled overhead, and her heart stuttered in her chest along with it. She laughed and pushed up onto the pads of her feet, reaching even higher toward the temulent roiling of the sky above her.

It took some coaxing, but Dhansa and Mohni eventually dragged Ryder back inside, clucking at her about how wet she’d gotten in such a short amount of time. They were insistent that she change into something dry; after that was done, they bundled her up into a warm, thick blanket and settled her onto the couch with a cup of tea. 

 

It was long after lunch when Evfra returned home; both he and Ryder thanked Dhansa and Mohni for their time, and in return the women promised to be back tomorrow, in the morning. An awkward silence hung precariously between Evfra and Ryder, but eventually he cleared his throat to speak. 

“I was going to make dinner.” Evfra told her, voice verging on unsure. “Would you like to join me in the kitchen?” 

Ryder looked up from her place on the couch, trying not to squint at the resistance general. Without the ability to look at his expression, it was hard to tell what mood he was in. She screwed her mouth into a frown, and then nodded. 

“I think I will.” Ryder replied. She reached out and searched the side of the end table for her cane, jumping when her knuckles touched the cold titanium of it. Ryder wrapped her hand around it, and then stood shakily with the blanket still wrapped around her shoulders. 

Evfra’s hand landed on her arm and she flinched, almost ripping away from him in a second of panic. He drew his hand back, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to frighten you.” 

“Oh, no, it’s okay. I just…I can’t see very well, so it’s hard to judge where you are.” Ryder told him; his hand was warm and comforting as it laid itself back on her arm, leading her back to the kitchen. “I really can’t thank you enough for taking me in like this.”

There was silence, for a moment. Ryder was tempted to break it with  _ any  _ sort of noise, any at all--but Evfra beat her to it.

“Anyone would have done the same.” Evfra assured her, voice timid and uneasy; he wasn’t lying, no, but Ryder had been around enough angara to know that he was hiding something. Given the context, it had Ryder’s already shaky confidence crumbling. 

Ryder wore her heart on her sleeve, and therefore her face—Evfra must’ve seen it, because he spoke up. “It was pure luck that Moshae Sjefa approved for you to  stay here, instead of at another’s home. I imagine that it’s due to your unfamiliarity with the families in the area—and I can imagine you probably wanted a bit of peace and quiet to…” He paused; they were now in the kitchen, Ryder presumed. “…cope.”

“Cope.” Ryder echoed, letting Evfra guide her once more to the kitchen table. “I guess the quiet is good for reflection.” She carefully took a seat, and could feel Evfra’s eyes burning into her; she didn’t need to see him to know that he was staring. Cocking her head to the side, she rose an eyebrow. “What’s up?”

Evfra cleared his throat under her attention, and Ryder saw the blob of blue abscond to the kitchen. “How was your day? I trust that Mohni and Dhansa were pleasant?”

“They’re wonderful,” Ryder replied, balancing her chin in her hand. “A little protective of me, but I guess that comes with the territory.” She sat back in her chair, getting comfortable. Evfra made a noncommittal noise in regard to what she’d said, and Ryder decided to let the silence lay between them.

For a minute.

“So, Evfra.” Ryder began, shifting in her chair. “Why did you offer to house me in the first place?”

There was no answer from Evfra, at first. And then he sighed, perfectly in time with the sound of a dish being set on the counter. “Does it matter?”

“I’m curious.” Ryder replied, mouth twisting into a thoughtful frown as she stared at the void of colourful nothing in front of her. “Can’t blame me for that, can you?”

“I thought, perhaps…” His pause was interrupted by the sound of metal and glass being sat down on stone. “…perhaps it would be easier, here. That is all.”

Ryder leaned over the table, lips pushed forward and face pinched in an exaggerated manner that could have been recognised as confusion. Evfra made a noise that was borderline disgusted, and Ryder laughed at him. 

“Because it’s quiet?” Ryder queried, leaning back once again and crossing her arms over her chest. She turned her head to the side, creating the illusion that she was looking through the window to her right—well, she  _ thought  _ it was a window. It could have been an oddly shaped lamp.

Evfra didn’t seem inclined to reply, at least not right away. Instead, Ryder could hear the sounds of him busying himself in the kitchen. The noise was a lot like static—background, easily tuned out—but not as painful as silence. 

_ I’ll have to email Vetra,  _ Ryder thought to herself, fiddling with a button on her shirt.  _ See if she could swing by with a radio, or some vids, or  _ something  _ to listen to.  _ Her thoughts paused there, and her shoulders fell. She’d have to find someone to dictate the message to.

Ryder cleared her throat. “Hey, Evfra? Sorry to bug you again, but I was wondering if the angara had some sort of voice to speech recognition software. Or if not, if you could get in touch with Vetra, or…I don’t know. The people who take care of that sort of thing. I wouldn’t recommend Tann, though. Maybe Kesh?” 

“We have something similar—we would have to modify it to your preferred language, but it would be little to no trouble. I imagine that you’d like to keep in contact with your crew.” Evfra answered.

Ryder cleared her throat again, keeping her face away from Evfra. “Scott’s crew.”

“Tell  _ them  _ that.” Evfra said. “Scott hasn’t the clout you do. You will have regained your sight by the time they refer to the Tempest as  _ his.  _ Let alone themselves in the same manner.” 

“Hey, don’t be rude. Scott’s a great leader.” Ryder argued, turning her face back in Evfra’s direction. “Don’t you worry, he’ll have them whipped into shape in no time. Better than I ever did, even.”

Evfra snorted. “As if.” He paused. “Lexi didn’t fully brief me—if you’re willing to discuss it, what’s the likelihood of you regaining your ability to see?” 

It was Ryder’s turn to fuel the silence. She let out an uneasy, heavy breath, head bobbing. 

“I…It’s not good?” Ryder told him, more of a question than a statement. “That didn’t even make sense, that wasn’t even an answer.” She closed her eyes tightly, squeezing them shut. “Look, Lexi is very hopeful. But I’ve known that asari for  _ years.  _ Not only on the Tempest, but from the Milky Way. And I know when she’s faking it.” 

Ryder lifted a hand, rubbing at her cheek nervously. “So, the answer? There really isn’t any.” Her jaw tensed, briefly, as she swallowed down tears. She blinked rapidly, refusing to cry. Not in front of Evfra. “But, it’s possible that I won’t lose complete sight. My vision might just be reduced to lights and shadows. Shapes. Simple stuff.” Ryder took a deep, steadying breath. “Lexi says that I have maybe six months, before that happens. Best case scenario.”

His voice was quiet, when he spoke next.

“I’m sorry.” 

“No, don’t say that.” Ryder told him. “Don’t apologise. I’m tired of everyone apologising. Acting like I didn’t get myself into this mess.” She shook her head, lips turning down into a frown. “It’s okay—don’t even worry about it. How about you tell me how work went instead? Get all domestic on me. Let’s be the type of roommates that become best friends and gossip about everyone.” 

“Ryder, you’re ridiculous.” Evfra said, voice still quiet. Ryder snorted, offering him a smile, unsure of whether or not he could see it. “And for your information, work was boring. Now that there are no Kett, the Resistance has been reduced to paperwork and meetings regarding settlement protection.”

“Isn’t that a good thing though? The boring. I mean, that means no more evil aliens are out there exalting, well,  _ anyone. _ ” Ryder placed her hands flat on the table, running her hands along it and pressing them firmly against the grains she found in the wood. 

Evfra let out something that might have been considered affirmative in nature. “Yes. It is.” A huff of breath left him, and then he nodded. 

“It’s hard to go from fighting a war you’d never thought would end to normal life. Well, I guess not normal—there really isn’t a true  _ normal _ for Aya yet. But as normal as it can be right now.” Ryder scratched at the table. She wanted to apologise for disturbing this attempt at normal, but she couldn’t get the words out.  

“It is a tough transition.” Evfra agreed; he quieted then, supposedly to focus back on dinner. 

 

After dinner, Evfra told Ryder he needed to work on some emails; he offered to take her to her room, but she declined. The couch was comfy, and upon asking, Evfra allowed her to open the living room window. Sitting next to it, the rain was so loud that Ryder could imagine herself in it. First, it was dancing, and then it was crouched low behind a barricade, heart pounding in her ears and the world shaking around her with a thrummed, powerful roll of thunder. 

She hadn’t realised she’d fallen asleep until Evfra came to wake her, chastising her for sleeping so close to the window. She’d catch a  _ cold,  _ he said.

“Don’t you know, Evfra?” She asked, clutching her blanket from earlier tightly around her shoulders. “Idiots never catch colds. It’s physically impossible.”

“Bullshit.” Evfra told her, voice dry. “Will you be alright, dressing yourself for bed?” 

Ryder let out a hum, drawing her bottom lip into her mouth. “What, do you want to help?” 

The noise that came out of Evfra was half-choked, half-offended. Ryder laughed at him, shaking her head. 

“I was kidding. Completely kidding.” She held up her hands in defence. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That was unprofessional and crude.”

Evfra let out an unamused grunt. “That’s never stopped you before, and I highly doubt it will stop you now.” He let out another grunt, displeased and shaken. “Sleep well—if you need anything, simply call for me. I am a very light sleeper.”

Ryder fiddled with the sleeves of her shirt for a moment, before speaking. “Will do.” She swallowed. “And Evfra?”

Despite her teasing, his voice remained pleasant. “Yes?”

“Thank you again. For everything.” She moved on to fiddle with her fingers now. “It means a lot to me. More than you can ever imagine.”

“You don’t need to keep thanking me.” Evfra responded—Ryder thought he was going to say more, but instead he walked away toward his room, his footsteps the only evidence that he had been standing near her at all. 

Ryder sighed, and turned toward her own door. There wasn’t much more to do than turn in for the night—something in her wondered how long it'd take for her days to begin to bleed together. Excitement, after all, didn't seem to be in the cards for her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Welcome to the end of the chapter! Thank you again for reading!
> 
> No beta, aha. Just me in our lonely little rarepair(?) corner of the world.
> 
> Song for this chapter:  
> Fighting by SAINTS VALORY  
> Rise by Fame On Fire  
> River Lea by Adele


	4. Letters To An Unsupervised Set of Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hullo! You got it, this is Pity week! Every other week, there will be a chapter of Pity! Probably. Next week is a little funky, do to some volunteering on my part. To stay updated, you can always hop on over to my blog--it's right over [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/)! I'll be making a post this weekend about it, so go ahead and give me a follow, or check Friday evening!
> 
> If you enjoy this chapter, please, please, please leave a cute little comment below! Or not cute, whatever you prefer. I''d love to hear from you--it helps inspire me to keep writing!
> 
> As per usual, I do all the editing myself, so if there's a mistake/if something is wrong, don't be afraid to tell me! I'd like to make this as enjoyable as possible for current and future readers!

 

Awake.

_Again._

Ryder let out a frustrated, almost silent sigh. She rolled over to press her face against the cold of the wall, letting the chill seep and sink deep into her bones--she shivered, but didn’t move away. Ryder lifted a hand and pressed it to the wall alongside her forehead, closing her eyes as she took a steadying breath.

She’d woken from a dream that she couldn’t remember—and now whenever she went to lay back down, a haunted, uncertain fear lingered in the back of her mind and refused to let her sleep. Ryder rolled over onto her back, staring up at the ceiling and letting out an irritated huff.

It had been a week since she’d arrived at Evfra’s home. Two weeks since her vision had gotten so bad that she’d gone to Lexi. Two months since she’d defeated the Archon. She interlocked her fingers and twisted them to the point of pain, gritting her teeth against it. Ryder quickly tugged her hands apart and all-but slammed them against her face. She shut her eyes tight, letting a breath whistle out through her teeth in an attempt to quell the rage rising up in her throat.

Cracking an eye open, she caught sight of the gentle, green light blinking from the console in the far corner of the room. Ryder slowly sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and feeling around the cold of the floor with her toes. In her investigation, she found one of her discarded shirts and kicked it away from her, so as not to trip on it.

Ryder all but stumbled over to the computer, glad for the light to guide her fingers to the power button; the computer woke up from sleep mode with a teasingly quiet start up sound. Ryder thanked whatever gods were listening, and then thanked them again when the voice detection started up without prompting, greeting her with a considerable amount of cheer.  

“Well, butter me up and call me a biscuit—that’s a certain amount of lucky, isn’t it SAM?” Ryder teased, feeling her way into the seat—and then she froze, all amusement melting from her and pooling coldly in her stomach. “Right.” She murmured softly to herself, sitting down completely.

Ryder tapped at the screen, frowning when it didn’t light up. After a moment of fiddling with it, she realised that while the software was running, the screen itself had been left off. She was greeted with a glowing, low-lit screen after a bit of fiddling, unable to keep a steady chuckle from leaving her.

“Check email?” She tried, poking at the screen. Ryder’s voice was barely above a whisper, as she didn’t want to wake Evfra—she wasn’t sure of what time it was outside, just that it was dark. Ryder was about to repeat her question, when a bubbling, happy voice greeted her, saying she had exactly twenty-three unread emails. Ryder groaned in response, closing her eyes and tilting her head up toward the ceiling.

When Ryder was prompted to listen to the first email, she let out an uncertain sound. “Sender?” She questioned, rocking back in her chair.

“Director Jarun Tann. Subject: Progress. Would you like to—”

Ryder interrupted the VI, shaking her head. “—skip.”

There was a soft whirr, and then it tried again. “Dr. Lexi T’Perro—”

Again, Ryder interrupted the machine.

“—god, no. Skip. Please skip.” She groaned, reaching her hands up and placing her palms over her eyes. She pressed them down, hard enough to hurt. Again, the machine whirred. Ryder thanked the stars for how quiet the system had turned out to be.

“Nakmor Drack. Subject: Visitation.” The VI told her, continuing to be nothing but accomodating. Ryder pulled a single  hand away from her face, eying the glowing screen suspiciously. “Message: Empty. Attachments: Audiolog M:1523-ND. Play audiolog?”

Ryder hummed, unsure. Eventually, she nodded. “Play audiolog.” She agreed, slowly returning to a sitting position. She fiddled with the arm of her chair, plucking at a string that had come loose. God knew what Drack had to say, but she would listen to him read a phonebook, if it only meant hearing the friendly krogan’s voice.

It began with him clearing his throat.

“ _Hey, Ryder._ ” He greeted, voice gruff and pleasant. “ _Bet you’ve gone stir-crazy already, haven’t you? You’ve never been too good at sitting still.”_ Ryder chuckled, wrapping her arms around her torso. _“I didn’t think you’d be too up for reading, considering. So I decided it’d be easier to record something for you to listen too. Make it easier to leave your private business private too—I know how much you hate people mucking around in your personal messages.”_

Ryder nodded, as if he were in the room with her.

_“Suggested the crew do something similar,_ ” Drack grunted, shifting on the other side of the log. “ _Jaal took the idea and ran with it. Heard him recording for an hour at least—probably still upset at how Evfra beat his family out when it came to hosting you._ ” Another grunt. “ _Can’t understand why the man did it myself, but I’m sure you’ll have figured it out by now.”_

“Very funny.” Ryder quipped, voice barely audible. “I haven’t figured anything out, let along Evfra’s intentions.”

The recording continued, as if she’d never spoken. “ _That brings me to the actual reason for my message, besides wanting to talk to you. Kesh’s clutch hatched a few days ago, and she and Vorn were wondering if it’d be okay to bring the kids by in a couple days, let em’ see their godmother.”_ Ryder felt her eyes welling up in tears at the suggestion, and she wiped them away. “ _It’s a good time for a visit too, considering how much shit Tann’s been trying to pull since you left—I don’t want to go into too much detail here, but I’m sure Lexi’s already sent an email ranting and raving about it. I’ll leave it to her.”_

Ryder sat up in her chair, suddenly curious. _Drama._ Her brain teased, and a small grin unfolded on her face. She tilted forward to listen closer, when there was a soft knock at the door—she quickly told the VI to end their session, stumbling up from her chair and wondering if she looked halfway decent. Not that it mattered.

“Ryder?” Evfra’s voice was so concerned that Ryder felt her heart skip in her chest. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah.” Ryder responded, carefully feeling her way toward the door. When she reached it, she let it slide open. A rather bright-eyed and bushy-tailed sounding Evfra greeted her, seeming far too awake than any man should’ve been that early. “Sorry if I woke you up.” Ryder apologised, turning her gaze to her feet in mild shame. “I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to try out that voice recognition software you installed.”

“You didn’t wake me.” He replied, stepping back into the hallway. “I simply heard voices in your room, and wanted to make sure you were doing well.” He paused, considering what he wanted to say next. “I was about to make breakfast. Would you like to join me?”

Ryder offered him a toothy smile. “Hell yeah. Sign me up for the breakfast train with Evfra.” She tugged at the air as if opening the horn valve on a train. He said nothing--regardless, Ryder rose a hand to stop him from speaking. “Don’t worry about it. I would love to have breakfast with you.”

Breakfast was simple, yet delicious and easy to eat, even with her…condition. About halfway through, Ryder looked up from her food and at Evfra.

_“_ Hey, so. I know that you kind of thought I’d be bored if I went to work with you, but…” Ryder hummed to herself, letting her nails click against the table. “…I want to go. With you, I mean. To work.” She could already hear the _no_ coming out of Evfra’s mouth, so she propped her elbows on the table and folded her arms. Her voice was a fierce whisper. “I am going _crazy.”_

“Ryder.” Evfra began, voice stern.

Ryder interrupted him. _“_ I know it’s only been a little while, but I, uh. I think it’d be good if I was around something familiar.” She said. “Please?”

Evfra was wary,  scraping something around on his plate. Ryder tapped her hands on the table like it was a makeshift drum, every soft thud in tandem with her heartbeat. Eventually, Evfra sighed in agreement.

“I can’t promise that it’ll be any more interesting at resistance headquarters.” Evfra warned. “Though I doubt that they’ll be much that can compare to your life before now.”

Ryder let out a hum, bracing her chin in her hand. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it, no. But it’s not like I have a choice—you know what they say, those who adapt survive. Those who don’t—” Ryder shrugged. “—well, die.”

“That’s rather morbid.” Evfra grunted in response, and Ryder could hear the unease in his voice. Once again, she shrugged, picking up a plastic cup near her.

“Morbid, smorbid.” Ryder told him, bringing the cup to her lips. Before she could take a drink, she set the cup back down and sighed. Ryder brought a hand up, rubbing at the back of her neck. “Look, that doesn’t mean you physically die. It means that if you’re faced with a situation that you currently can’t handle, if you don’t do something about it, if you don’t adjust—you can become so miserable that you just become emotionally dead.” She cleared her throat, picking her cup back up, looking away from Evfra. “And, you know. All that.”

Evfra was silent, but only for a moment. “You should get dressed, if you intend to come with me.” He told her, going to stand. “Do you need assi—” He stopped himself, voice turning suspicious. “—do you need assistance?”

Ryder chuckled at him. “No, I can handle it. Won’t need your help today.” She slowly rose, careful not to disturb the table. “Might take me a minute, but I’ll get it. Hopefully I’ll look acceptable.”

“I won’t let you leave the house looking a mess.” Evfra murmured, almost quiet enough that Ryder couldn’t hear. She rose a hand in acknowledgement, turning back to offer him a playful wink. He grunted. “Get dressed.” He all but ordered. “I’ll call Mohni and Dhansa, and update them on the situation.

“ _Get dressed._ ” Ryder mocked, chuckling when Evfra made a noise of disgust in return. “I hope that they enjoy the day off.”

Evfra snorted. “I doubt they’ll take the day off. They’ll most likely hunt you down at headquarters. They act as if I mistreat you, when they’re not around. Something about a loving touch.” He began to fidget with a datapad, judging by the noises that were coming from his general direction. Ryder slipped off before Evfra could say much more.

“I’d love a loving touch from you.” Ryder teased as soon as she re-entered her room to get dressed. Every one of the hangers in her closet were embossed, letters risen high enough that she could read them with her fingers. She pulled something out of her closet. Ryder pulled the shirt in her hand up toward her face, taking a deep breath and inhaling the scent of the laundry soap Evfra used.

Ryder smiled, and then chuckled. “It’s kind of weird, smelling like him.” She muttered. She took another deep, heavy breath and burrowed her face in the cloth. “It’s kind of nice too.”

There was a knock on the door, and she quickly tugged her sleeping shirt off, struggling to get dressed as Evfra asked after her. She made some sort of excuse, something that made a little bit of sense, at least. Evfra sounded as if he bought it, and offered her a hand when she left her bedroom.

“How do I look?” Ryder teased. “Presentable?”

“Presentable.” Evfra agreed, squeezing her hand. He realised what he’d done immediately, and shifted his hand to her arm with a cough. “It’s strange—I didn’t see much of your casual wardrobe before now.”

Ryder nodded in agreement. “I mean, I _can_ kill Kett in jeans, but bloodstains are hard to get out.” She leaned a bit harder toward Evfra, trying not to smile when he moved to support her better. “Anything important on the schedule today?”

“Paperwork.” Evfra responded. “Havarl’s Kett population has dwindled to near non-existence, and I have an entire population demanding that I pull their relatives from the frontlines.” His tone turned irritated. “Do they think that the Kett are simply gone forever? Don’t get me wrong, Ryder. What you’ve done for our people and your own is impressive, and will go a long way toward protecting this galaxy. But…”

“…but just because the Archon is dead, doesn’t mean that the Kett are gone.” Ryder muttered glumly. “There’s an entire galaxy out there, full of Kett—and they might not be very happy with how we’ve dealt with one of their frontline men.”

“Exactly.” Evfra agreed. “If we pull our men, we are risking hundreds of deaths if the Kett return in full force. It’d be better to leave our men where they are until we’re entirely sure that the danger has passed.”

Ryder nodded, briefly released so Evfra could open the door. She followed him outside, once again waiting so he could lock the door behind them.

“I can see why they’re demanding their relatives back.” Ryder told Evfra, smiling when he placed a hand on her arm once again, leading her carefully down the steps. “But honestly, it hasn’t been long enough to truly say that the Kett have retreated. They could just be waiting for reinforcements—so, it won’t get you any popularity points, but I think you should really keep pushing for constant, full-staffed military outposts.”

“That’s what I fear—reinforcements. A resurgence of Kett troops.” He muttered, squeezing Ryder’s arm. “It’s not a pleasant thing to think of, but it’s something we have to keep in consideration.”

The space around them was quiet, absent of chatter—the only sound Ryder could hear was the sound of their shoes against stone walkways, singing in quiet echoes above them. Evfra kept a tight grip on Ryder, warning her of turns ahead. The noise of civilization slowly filtered in as they approached resistance headquarters, and Ryder couldn’t help but laugh at the warm, rolling greetings that were called to her as she stepped inside.

“Ryder. It’s so good to see you—”

“—Evfra didn’t say he was bringing you in today; welcome.”

“It’s been such a long time since we’ve seen you.”

By the time they reached Evfra’s office, she’d returned over a dozen hello’s.

“Everyone is so happy to see me.” Ryder told Evfra, unable to keep from smiling. “I didn’t expect such a warm welcome.”

“You are a hero.” He replied, leading her over to a seat by the window. “The angaran people have had an incredible amount of respect for you since you’ve saved Moshae Sjefa—and now, upon your defeat of the Archon, and with the knowledge of what you’ve given in order to do so—you have become nothing short of a living legend..”

Ryder looked down, smile cracking and falling from her face. “It wasn’t that impressive. If I had…well…I should’ve been smarter about it. And I was a hero, the day that I defeated the Archon. But now I’m just a blind woman.” She settled back in her seat, focusing on the window in front of her.

Evfra hummed softly in the back of his throat, as if he wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure how to vocalise it. Instead, he left her where she sat so he could go to his desk. Ryder folded her hands over her stomach, sliding down in the chair—she listened closely to the sound of consoles, voices, _work._

_It’s the best sort of lullaby._ Ryder murmured inwardly, letting her eyes droop closed.

Ryder simply sat there, idly chatting with Evfra when he seemed interested in doing so—she didn’t want to bother him too much. He did have work to do, after all. But even if she was only permitted to sit in silence, the building itself was alive around her. Telling her secrets and stories that had her sinking into a cheerful, mindless doze.

“Ryder.” Evfra’s voice permeated her meditation, and she looked up at him, shaking herself free. “Lunch is here, if you’re hungry.” He turned toward the resistance members who brought it. “On time, for once. I wonder what’s changed?”

The resistance members offered nothing in response as they fled, and he shook his head. “Ridiculous.”

Ryder shrugged; she went to stand, but Evfra was tugging a chair over instead. Once it was in place, he offered Ryder a tray of food. She took it carefully, balancing it on her lap. Their chatter began again, in-betwixt bites of food. Ryder brought up Drack’s intent to visit, and Evfra was almost cheerful in agreeing to it.

“There is an event, this weekend.” Evfra told Ryder, once every other conversation option seemed to be exhausted; his chair squeaked as he relaxed into it. “Musical in nature. Vocal and instrumental performances—I thought that, if you wanted to get out of the house, it would be a good opportunity to do so.”

Ryder tapped her fork on the side of her tray, nodding.

“I think that’s a good idea.” Ryder said, stabbing at the food in front of her. “You know what? Yeah, I think I’d like to. A lot. It’ll be nice to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hullo!
> 
> Song for this chapter:  
> Playing God by Paramore 
> 
> Feels kind of redundant, but [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) is where you'll find my blog--you should totes hit me up over there! I'd love to see some new faces!


	5. Rumour Has It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> If you find yourself enjoying this chapter by the time you get to the end of it, I would love to hear from you in the comments section below!
> 
> Edited by me, so you know. Not.

 

The work day was over before Ryder knew it; she found herself being shaken awake by Evfra—she offered him a goofy, sleepy smile—a soft giggle echoed from a corner of the room. It was quickly shut down by Evfra clearing his throat. 

“Sorry for falling asleep.” Ryder murmured, voice thick from her nap. She unfolded her legs from beneath her, wincing as pins and needles poked their way through her cramped legs. “I didn’t mean too—this place is just so…” She shrugged as she stood. “…I don’t know. It’s comfortable. Kind of like home.” 

Evfra reached out and grabbed at her arm, gentle in the way he did so. Her hand went to lay on his arm in return, smoothing over his sleeve before settling. “There’s no need to apologise; if there’d been an emergency, I’d have woken you.” 

“You’re far too kind, Mr. Tershaav.” Ryder teased, squeezing his arm. Once again, he cleared his throat. Ryder turned slightly to where she remembered the line of computers to be. She bid them all farewell, and they returned it in kind, all warmly bidding her goodbye.

 

“We should pick something up on the way home.” Evfra suggested as they exited the building. “If you are willing to take the detour, that is.” 

Ryder chuckled, shaking her head. “You just want to show me off.” She teased; she then sighed, letting the sound verge on dramatic as she swayed toward Evfra. “I don’t blame you. I am your best accessory.” 

“Talk like that starts rumours.” Evfra told her; it was obvious that he wanted to put bite behind it, but the statement fell flat. A shiver went down Ryder’s spine, and she resisted the urge to shudder. 

“People are going to talk regardless.” Ryder told him, turning her face from him and hoping desperately he didn’t see the blush that had dusted its way across her cheeks. “The one thing that everyone loves is a good, juicy story. And why not? You have to admit, a secret romance between the head general of the resistance and his new, blind roommate is pretty interesting.” She reached a hand up, tucking a piece of hair that had been tickling her jaw behind her ear. “So, if and when there are rumours, I’d prefer to know where they came from. Me.” 

“We’re real people, not a trashy novel.” Evfra replied, tugging her to the left. She stumbled over her own feet, letting go of the angara without thinking; Evfra caught her in an instant, tugging her up and against him to cushion her fall. He didn’t even  _ stumble  _ as Ryder’s nose smashed against his collarbone.

_ Evfra smells nice _ . Ryder decided as she was righted.  _ Does he wear cologne?  _

“Are you alright?” Evfra questioned, giving Ryder a brief once over. 

“Do you wear cologne?” Ryder asked, the words coming out of her mouth before she could stop them. She briefly thought to lecture herself, but then shrugged. Mouths of the wicked and all.

Evfra, whose hands had taken up residence on her shoulders, dropped. “You’re fine.” 

Ryder chuckled at him, placing her hand on his arm once again. “You going to answer my question?”

“No. I don’t wear cologne.” Evfra grumbled, leading her forward. “What did you even trip on? Your own feet?”

“I’m legally blind. You’re a giant blue blob, and the ground is a giant grey one. My feet don’t even look like feet at this point.” She paused and stuck a foot out for emphasis. “The world might as well be a f—” She clenched her teeth for a second. “—a screwed up paint by number.” Ryder was tugged at, so she continued to walk. “Also, I think you’re lying about the cologne thing.”

“You would.” Evfra remarked. 

Wherever Evfra had led them smelled  _ divine.  _ There was something rich that hung around the area, heavy with the scent of spices. The foodie in Ryder perked up, starving for whatever the restaurant was selling. 

“Don’t stray too far,” Evfra muttered to her. “There are a lot of chairs.”

“The chairs aren’t the problem,” Ryder whispered back. “It’s their legs.”

“Ryder, the legs are part of the—nevermind. Stay here.”  

Ryder chuckled as he pulled away from her, most likely to order their food. She rocked on her heels, highly aware of the people seated around her. Ryder couldn’t prove it, but she was certain they were staring—her anxiety was off the  _ charts,  _ considering she couldn’t see a thing. And that’s why she jumped when someone spoke to her. 

“Hello.” A soft, obviously kiddish, feminine voice greeted.

Ryder tried not to panic, and she did a sweep of the area before looking down.  _ Oh, a child-sized blob. Kid or little person?  _ She murmured inwardly.  _ Are there anagaran little people? _

“Hi there.” Ryder greeted. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

An arm extended, and Ryder blinked in confusion. There was something clutched in the hand at the end of it with a bright purple head. She smiled awkwardly, going to take it from the child. 

“Thank you for defending Aya.” The kid told Ryder—if Ryder had to guess, she’d assume the girl was about ten. “It’s a flower.” She quickly said, sounding partially ashamed.

Ryder laughed at herself, kneeling as she took the stem of the flower in her hand. “Sorry about that. I can’t—” Arms were wrapping around her neck before she could stop them, hugging her tight now that Ryder was eye-level. 

“My brother got to come home safe because of you.” The girl murmured in her ear, just for her to hear. “ _ Thank you. _ ” Ryder’s arms wrapped around the little girl, returning the hug just as tight. 

_ Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.   _

“You’re…it’s not even…don’t even worry about it.” Ryder finally choked out, unable to keep the tears from invading her voice. “Your brother safe is enough thanks, okay? I’m glad you can be together again. I wouldn’t hesitate do it all again to make sure of that.”

The little girl took a step back, and Ryder rose, pressing the palm of her hand to her eyes. A good-natured laugh came from a woman she assumed was one of the child’s mothers, and Ryder watched as the tiny blob ran back to her family. 

“Orra has been wanting to meet you for some time.” The woman spoke, walking over. “She is a big fan—please, consider it an official welcome to Aya from our family, Ryder.” The welcome was echoed by the people around her and Ryder brought her hands to cover her face, much to their amusement. 

“Everyone here is so nice.” Ryder told Evfra when they returned home. Evfra hummed in agreement, setting the food on the counter. She was holding her head in her hands, feeling thoroughly whelmed by the attention. “Evfra, why is everyone so nice? I was just...ugh.”

“You appreciate it, but it can be overbearing.” Evfra answered for her; it sounded like he was unfolding boxes, and Ryder rose her head to look over at him. “May I say, however, how well you handle children? Orra was beaming.” 

“Was she?” Ryder asked, perching her chin in her hand. The flower that she’d given Ryder was tucked into a nearby vase on the counter. Ryder turned her head toward it. “I love kids. I mean, they’re so open and curious—and  _ fun. _ ” She leaned back in her chair with a sigh.

“It sounds like you want one of your own.” Evfra suggested lightly.

Ryder scoffed. “You kidding me? Man, I would love to have kids someday. It was always one of those things that my brother and I never quite saw eye to eye on. I think he’s just scared of having twins—runs in the blood you know. I mean, I don’t think that anyone’s going to want to have kids with me, not at this point.” Her mouth screwed into a frown. “Not really before either, but at least I had a chance of adopting then.” 

Evfra was quiet for a moment.

“I don’t think adoption would be out of the realm of possibility. And I doubt you’ll remain blind, regardless.” His breath hitched. “Actually, about that—” He stopped himself. “—they’re always accepting help. With orphans from the war—most go to extended family, but we have a place here, for the time in-between. I’m sure they wouldn’t turn you away, if you were willing to volunteer.” 

Ryder narrowed her eyes at Evfra, trying to pretend she didn’t hear him hiccup in the midst of his sentence. There was something he’d wanted to say but avoided it. And not successfully. 

She decided to let it go—that is, until she went to go to her room after dinner. If anyone had asked her, Ryder would say that Evfra forced her hand. 

“Are you…alright?” He asked, having shepherded her into the living room and sat her down on the couch. Ryder cocked an eyebrow at him, and he cleared his throat. “No doubt Lexi’s been in contact with you about the situation?”

“Situation?” Ryder asked, settling back against the pillows. “I mean, I have an email from Lexi, but I haven’t had the time to look—listen to it.” 

Evfra cleared his throat uncomfortably. “I…you probably want to hear it straight from her.”

Ryder rolled her eyes.

“Just tell me. It’s easier.” 

Evfra cleared his throat again, obviously reluctant. He was silent for a good minute or so, and Ryder watched him reach forward to mess with something on the coffee table.

“Evfra.” Ryder’s voice was as stern as she could make it, and he sighed.

“As you know, I am in contact with Jaal still. He…speaks of complications.”

“With what? Are they not listening to Scott?” Ryder asked, brow furrowing. “Who do I have to bully Tann into demoting?” 

“While that is an issue, it is not the most pressing one.” Evfra said slowly. “Actually, it’s  _ about _ Tann.” The angara let out a huff of breath and then an uncertain hum. “He wants to end funding to the research needed to cure your eyesight. Everyone on the council, the Moshae included, is against it, but he is insistent.” 

Ryder snorted. “That was fast. I knew he’d throw me under the bus as soon as he could.” She shook her head. “Let him cut funding.” 

The surprise in Evfra’s voice couldn’t be hidden. “What?”

“Secret for a secret.” Ryder responded, folding her hands over her lap. “You tell me why you fought with Jaal about where I was going to stay, I’ll explain myself.”

Evfra ignored the dig for personal information, reaching forward and laying a hand over hers. “You don’t have to accept this sort of slight from Taan.” He curled his fingers around Ryder’s, and she wondered if he knew he was doing it. “It’s not like you.” 

“A lot has changed.” Ryder told him with a shrug. “And when so much happens at once, people change too. They have too. I mean, don’t get me wrong—if I could see his ugly mug, I’d sock him in the teeth. But…I understand where’s he coming from.” She flipped her hand over, and Evfra jerked backward—she curled her fingers around his now slack ones, smiling. “Pouring resources and funding into something as hopeless as fixing this fucking mess—fixing me. It’s a waste.”

Evfra’s fingers squeezed around hers in return, and her smile widened. “If I’ve learned one thing about you, it’s that hope is something that you never run short on. And it’s about time the favour is returned.” He straightened, pulling his hand away. Ryder wanted to pout at the loss, but restrained herself. “I will never give up on you. And neither will your friends in the Initiative.” 

“Alright, who are you and what have you done with Evfra?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hi! Welcome to the end of the chapter!
> 
> Song for this fic:  
> Brave Enough by LIndsey Stirling and Christina Perri 
> 
> Want to stay updated? Click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to stay in the know!


	6. The Weight of a Piece of Straw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! I have so much fun writing these chapters and interacting with you!
> 
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this fic, and if you enjoy this chapter, please leave me a comment below! I'd really appreciate hearing from you ouo

 

Another week passed in a literal blur—days bleeding into one another knocking into each other like dizzy fish. That was, until the weekend came. 

Ryder had woken up, mouth dry and limbs heavy; exhaustion lingered in the back of her mind, ready to be chased away with a cup of coffee. Blinking the world into as much focus as she could, panic instantly awoke in her stomach, stirring like a bear at the beginning of April. A bright spot of white was hanging in the upper right corner of her vision, her injury stealthily ripping away yet another piece of her world while she slept. It wasn’t incredibly noticeable, but it was enough.

“ _ No. _ ” Ryder whispered in fear, running a hand through her sleep-mussed hair. 

Something in her had hoped that she wouldn’t notice. That she would have to step back and really re-evaluate the world around her to see any change in her vision. Or maybe that the visual world would collapse in uniform, robbing her of what was left of her sight in one fell swoop. Ryder held back tears, inhaling a shaky breath and pressing her palms to her eyes. 

_ This isn’t the end of the world.  _ Ryder promised, her own voice ringing hollow. 

“Who the fuck am I kidding?” Ryder asked herself. She shook her head, forcing a laugh. “God I’ve become a mess. And a useless one at that.” She flopped back on the bed, listening to it it let out a cavilling, pathetic groan in response.

There was a knock on her door and Ryder clenched her teeth until they protested with an aching, dull pain that sparked along her jaw. Mohni called out gently to her and she rolled over in bed, tugging her blanket up and over her shoulder. She needed to compose herself—there was a long day ahead, and she couldn’t risk breaking down in front of Dhansa or Mohni. 

Ryder made it through the day without crying—a bit silent, but she didn’t  _ cry.  _ Which was a feat that she took a great amount of pride in, considering the buzzing, roiling ball of despair that had made itself at home in her stomach. If Dhansa or Mohni noticed, they didn’t say anything. Halfway through the day, Dhansa offered to read to Ryder while Mohni went and picked up something sweet from the market, and Ryder had accepted, feeling an awful lot like a child. 

“How was work?” Ryder asked as Evfra came in, trying not to sound incredibly glum. Evfra didn’t deserve that—he had other things to worry about. “Any big baddies needing walloped?” 

Evfra let out a dissatisfied grunt. “Unless you count the stacks of paper currently inhabiting my desk, no.” 

Ryder snorted in response, folding her arms on top of the kitchen table and resting her head in them. “Please. You wouldn’t leave anything on your desk at the end of the day. You’re a workaholic.” 

“Perhaps.” Evfra replied, and Ryder listened as he unravelled his rofjinn from around his neck to hook it on the coat rack. “I’m going to change—the event we’re going to will have vendors, so I thought that we could just eat there.” 

“Oh, yeah. Works for me.” Ryder told him, rising from her seat and grabbing blindly for her cane. Evfra was there within seconds, gently pushing it into her palm. “I should change into something a bit more…I don’t know, I guess it doesn’t matter.” She ran a hand through her hair, tapping at the floor before moving forward, following Evfra. 

“If you want to change, then by all means.” He replied offhandedly. “Perhaps something…” His voice hung in the air for a moment, before he cleared his throat. “…colourful.” 

Ryder nodded, gripping her cane just a tad tighter. “Something bright too.” She nudged her cane across the floor, until it tapped against Evfra’s foot; he turned audibly.. 

“Yes?” He questioned. She gave him a soft wink and leaned on her cane. He huffed out a sigh. “If you’re going to get dressed, you should do so.” 

Ryder couldn’t help but cackle to herself as she entered her bedroom. She shouldn’t have had so much fun antagonising Evfra, but she couldn’t help it—he seemed to take it in good humour, at least. 

“Guess something good comes out of everyone pitying you.” Ryder told herself, tugging open her closet door. She ran her hands over the embossed letters, careful and sure with ever swipe. Eventually, she found something that was both bright and colourful and pulled it out. 

Ryder sighed and ran her fingers under the collar of the shirt. “I remember this shirt.” She muttered to herself, tossing it onto the bed so she could yank her current shirt off. She tossed it into the laundry basket, briefly wondering who emptied it and when they’d managed to. “Wonder how long it’ll be until I can’t.” 

After a quick, overcomplicated change, Ryder mindlessly wandered over to the small end table with her family photo on it. Opening its drawer and carefully walking her hands around the interior, she grabbed a brush from inside.

“Did you ever think this is where I would be dad? What about you, mom?” She asked the photo, not looking at it. She let out a sad chuckle, pulling the brush out and sliding the drawer shut. “Guess our entire family is unlucky.” 

Ryder ran the brush through her hair, wincing when it tugged on a knot. “It’s getting longer.” She muttered. “Guess I’ll have to get it cut here soon—” She stopped the thought in its tracks, gripping the handle of the brush in her hand and  _ squeezing.  _ “—who cares? God.” She rose the brush, having half a mind to throw it. 

“Who cares if I brush my hair? Or cut it? Or shave it all off?” Ryder found herself collapsing on the bed, limbs shaking. “I’m never going to see it again.” She carded a hand through her hair, chest shaking. “I’m never going to see anything again, oh my  _ god. _ ” 

The brush slipped from her hand as her chest began to heave, silent sobs working their way out of her throat. It landed on the floor without as much as a noise. Ryder’s hands went to wrap around her abdomen as the tears came, noise eventually bullying it’s way out of her. 

“Ryder?” 

Evfra’s voice was overpowering and nearly unbearable on the other side of the door, even though Ryder knew he was whispering. A soft knock followed the question, and when Ryder didn’t respond, the door opened. Ryder looked up at him as he came in, unable to pull her arms from her own waist. Unable to do anything but cry. 

Evfra was across the room before she could blink, laying a hand on her shoulder and using the other to grab at one of her arms. He gently tugged it away from her stomach, and she could feel the tension leave him when it easily gave away and revealed nothing but clean cloth beneath. “What’s wrong?” Evfra inquired, the hand on her shoulder moving to briefly cup her jaw and then flit back down, as if burned. “Ryder— _ Sara.  _ Sara, are you alright?” 

“No.” Ryder croaked, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to double over on herself; she wasn’t surprised when her face met Evfra’s shoulder instead of her knees, as he had wedged himself between her torso and legs. Ryder sobbed harder as his arms wrapped around her, pulling her in close and hugging her tight.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, voice low and warm— _ comforting.  _ Ryder shook her head against his shoulder, arms and hands unclenching so they could grab at him instead. “It’s okay.” He murmured. 

Evfra’s hands began to slowly rub circles into her back, attempting to soothe her. 

“The brush.” Her words were tear-stained and thick, but they were  _ words.  _ “I…I can’t. I won’t be able to.” Ryder shook her head, body shaking harder. “It’s getting long again, and I…I…I can’t see, Evfra, I can’t  _ see. _ ” 

“I know.” Evfra murmured. He shifted his weight to get more comfortable, easily supporting her as she had all but collapsed against him. “I’m here. For whatever you need. Just tell me.”  

“I can’t even…my hair.” She muttered, turning her head to the side as the tears slowed. “I woke up this morning and it’s worse, and I can’t even brush my  _ hair. _ ”  

“Would you like me to brush your hair?” Evfra asked, voice too soft to ever be cold. Ryder was baffled for all of a second before she nodded against his shoulder, unsure of what else to do. 

Evfra slowly pulled away from her, gently nudging her back on the bed. “Your hair looks fine, by the way. But if you’d like to get it cut, I’ll make sure it’s something flattering.” 

“What do you know about hair?” Ryder asked, bringing her hand up to wipe at her face, drying some of the wet that had accumulated there with her sleeve. She heard Evfra crouch down to grab her brush. 

“I’ve seen plenty of humans.” Evfra grunted in response, carefully standing in front of her. “Do you…Ryder, do you want to talk about it? I know this isn’t easy for you.” 

“Hey, you were using my first name earlier.” Ryder teased, jumping as Evfra gently brushed her hair back. “Call me Sara, please. I use your first name.”

Evfra let out a soft hum. “Sara, then. I want to make it clear that you can talk to me.” He paused, carefully tugging the brush through a knot. “I did not take you in so you could suffer alone. I…had hoped that--and forgive me if I’m repeating myself—the space here could allow you to come to terms with your disability without needing to be,” He cleared his throat, cutting himself off, only to start up again. “Sara. I know.” 

“You know what?” Ryder questioned, ever-conscious of how close Evfra was. 

“I know that everything isn’t okay. And you don’t have to act like it is.” He put the brush aside. “Do you want to stay in this evening?” 

_ A choice _ .

“I don’t want to ruin your plans.” Ryder piped up instantly. “I mean, just slap my sunglasses on me. Nobody will even know I was crying.”

Evfra took a step back from her, and she resisted the urge to grab at his hand. 

“Do you want to stay in this evening?” He asked again, and Ryder winced.

“I don’t really want to go out, no.” Ryder answered, drawing her legs up onto the bed and folding them beneath her. “Sorry. I just.” She let out a breath of air, chest still heavy and eyes still wet. “I can’t. I really can’t.”

“There’s no reason to apologise,” Evfra soothed. “There are plenty of evenings ahead of us. Is there anything else you’d rather spend the night doing?” 

Ryder shook her head. “No.” She responded, picking at her blanket. “Not really.”

 

Evfra was unnaturally chatty as the evening wore on. He didn’t talk about anything specific or life changing, but Ryder was glad for it. It almost had her smiling by the end of the night.

When the evening came, he had said goodnight to her, leaving her standing in front of her door. And to Ryder’s surprise, when she lay down, sleep came easy—she wasn’t sure if it was the crying, or just the general warmth that had begun to tiptoe into her chest, but she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

Somewhere amidst a dream she couldn’t quite recall, Ryder found herself being roused by the sound of voices. Shaking herself awake, she quietly threw her legs over the side of the bed and creeped over to the door, curious as ever. The sound was muffled, but she would’ve bet her first-born that it was Evfra and the Moshae.

“Time to eavesdrop.” Ryder whispered to herself, carefully sliding the door free. She smiled almost wickedly as it made no noise, and she stepped with quiet, sure footsteps into the hallway. 

“—I’ve never seen her like that.” Evfra’s voice was low and unsure as he spoke. 

“She’s under a lot of stress.” Moshae Sjefa responded. “You shouldn’t have forced her to make a public appearance so quickly. It couldn’t have helped.”

Evfra let out an offended huff. “Ryder wished too. I forced nothing on her. She’s not meant to be cooped up—even in her state. You have to see that.”

An understanding sigh left the Moshae, and Ryder pressed herself tightly to the wall behind her.  _ They’re talking about me.  _ She muttered inwardly, not entirely surprised. 

“I realise this.” She muttered. “Losing her sight is a blow that she can’t easily bounce back from. It’s could take months, maybe years for her to adapt.” 

“You say that like there’s no chance of her recovering her sight.” Evfra grunted.

“Is there a chance?” Moshae Sjefa questioned. All the response she received was another huff from Evfra. “Evfra, it’s a painful thing to accept. But from what Dr. T’Perro has shared, the damage is quite extensive, and will be hard to reverse. Ryder needs to know. More than anyone.” 

“She does  _ not. _ ” Evfra disagreed. “With all due respect, Moshae Sjefa, it’s only been two weeks and Sara’s already given up hope. She’s trying, but…it’s like watching a creature realise it’s been caged.”

“And it is your job to make her realise that the door is still open.” The Moshae responded sharply. “It is all our jobs.” She inhaled, deep and steadying. “Take heart, Evfra. Ryder is stronger than you give her credit for.” 

Ryder, sensing her cue, cleared her throat and stepped into the barely lit hallway. Both the Moshae and Evfra jumped, and she grinned in their general direction. 

“You know, I’m right there.” Ryder teased, pointing down the hallway. She shambled into the kitchen, wishing she could see the mortified expression on Evfra’s, and perhaps the Moshae’s, face. “You should go to Moshae Sjefa’s house next time, so I can’t spy on you.”

“Ryder. We didn’t mean—” The Moshae began, but quickly cut herself off, aware that an explanation wouldn’t do any good. “—I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have been talking about you in such a manner.”

Ryder shrugged. “Didn’t need to hear you to know you were talking about me behind my back.” She turned toward Evfra, finding it remarkably hard to get upset. “Hey, since you’re awake, do you think you could get me a cup of water?

“Yes.” Evfra replied, voice bearing no hint of shame. “Did we wake you?” 

The cabinets opened, and Ryder shook her head. “Nope. Just thirsty.” She lied, listening as the sink was turned on. She waited patiently for Evfra to return to her, carefully pushing the cup into her hands. 

“Thanks hot stuff.” Ryder told him, taking a sip and turning back to the hallway. “’Night Moshae Sjefa. Night Evfra. Don’t stay up too late, you crazy kids.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there!
> 
> No song for this chapter! I spent the entire time listening to Oxhorn, on Youtube--before you ask, I was watching Fallout Lore videos. He's got a nice, calming voice for when I can't listen to music.
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	7. Checking In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, friends, fiends, and readers alike! This is your friendly internet preacher, with a brand new chapter of Pity! If you enjoy this chapter, or find yourself doing so by the end of it, I'd love to hear from you in the comments below!
> 
> This was edited by me. So you know. Not.

 

“Hey, did I tell you how much I  _ don’t  _ want to be here?” Ryder asked casually, squeezing Evfra’s arm in a bid to get his attention. He laid a hand over hers, squeezing back; it had been roughly a month now that she’d come to be on Aya, and Ryder now had to return to the Tempest for a check-up with Lexi.

“Considering you’ve mentioned it seven times since we’ve left the house, yes, I am aware.” Evfra replied, voice dry and unamused. “Lexi is your primary care provider and is currently the individual spearheading the research to fix your eyesight. We need to make it as easy on her as possible.”

Ryder pushed her bottom lip out into a pout, shuddering as they began to walk up the ramp to the Tempest. The metal clanged beneath her feet with an all-too-pleasant familiarity that made Ryder ache for her days amongst the stars.

“It’s not that I don’t want to help,” Ryder argued. “I just…” She stopped, rubbing the bottom of her shoe against the ramp. “…I don’t want to see  _ them. _ I’m not…I can’t be the person I was when I was in command of this ship.”

Ryder tilted her head down, a wistful smile stretching across her face. “But god did I miss this ship.” She knelt down, letting go of Evfra’s arm so she could feel the cold metal beneath her fingers. “I miss it.” Ryder continued to whisper. 

“Sara, do you know when that was washed last?” Evfta questioned, carefully hooking an arm underneath her elbow. She didn’t quite yelp, but she wanted to. 

“Yesterday,” Ryder replied quietly. “Kallo always rounds up the crew to clean the ship before we dock. Especially if they’re leaving Elaaden or Kadara Port.” She let herself be tugged upward, back to Evfra’s side. “All the dust, you know?” 

Evfra hummed in acknowledgement. “Kallo makes sure that your ship is well-maintained.”

“He helped build it,” Ryder said, trying to beat back the nerves that were trying to take up residence in her chest. “He loves this ship more than he loves anything in the Initiative—I don’t blame him. She’s beautiful.”

“She?”

Ryder nodded. “All ships are named after women,” She told him, reaching out to drag her fingers down one of the support ramps, feeling her way along the cool metal. “And this one in particular? Well she’s a real fine lady and deserves only the best treatment.”

“I see.” Evfra muttered; Ryder let out a soft, offended gasp when she realised that this was Evfra’s first time aboard the Tempest—and then she mourned the loss of her eyesight once again, because she wouldn’t be able to give him the grand tour.

“Sara,” her name was called from somewhere ahead of her as they entered the bridge and Evfra let her go just in time for a set of strong, familiar arms to wrap around her.  _ Scott.  _ She hugged him back for all she was worth, grunting slightly. “Sara, oh my  _ god,  _ it’s so good to see you.” 

“Scott, just as handsome as I remember,” Ryder ribbed, pulling back and pretending to give him a once-over. “Actually—have you gained weight recently? Looking a little pudgy.” She tickled his stomach, and he doubled over, trying to push her hands away.

Someone cleared their throat, and Ryder pulled away to turn toward the noise. It sounded a lot like—

“Lexi. My saviour.” Scott panted out, drawing in greedy breaths now that he wasn’t being tickled. Once he could stand, he loped an arm around Ryder’s shoulders and brought her close, kissing at the top of her hair. “Have you come to take her away?”

Lexi chuckled. “Not for very long, I promise.” 

 

Evfra came with her into the med-bay; Ryder was surprised that they’d managed to get there without being ambushed. She wondered if it was due to the serious reason for her visit, or if the crew simply had better things to do. Ryder assumed it was the latter. 

“I have…news.” Lexi told her after a number of scans; some Ryder felt that Lexi did  _ twice. _

“It’s not good news.” Ryder said gruffly, puffing out her chest and doing her best impression of a grizzled soldier. Lexi let out annoyed huff and Ryder laughed at her, leaning forward and propping her elbows on her knees. “It’s never good news.” 

“Don’t be such a cynic,” Lexi ordered. “Not everything is bad news.”

“Only mostly everything.” Ryder replied, taking a deep breath and straightening back into a sitting position. “Go ahead, I’m listening.” 

Lexi mimicked Ryder’s breath, hesitating to speak. “Your eyesight is worse. It looks to have been in steady decline over the last thirty days—and we are no closer to solving the issue.” 

Even though Ryder expected the information, it still felt like a punch to her already roiling gut; she did her best to swallow the bile that crawled up her throat at the first sign of nausea, but still ended up retching, chest heaving and eyes squeezing shut. Two sets of hands were grabbing at her within seconds, steadying her on the exam table.

“I’m fine,” She wheezed out. “My body is just overreacting. Happens sometimes.” Ryder laughed at herself, running a hand through her hair. “Leave it up to my stomach to digest two jars of pickled fish but prove unable to handle a bit of bad news.”

“That is  _ disgusting. _ ” Lexi pointed out. Ryder shrugged, adjusting herself on the exam table, hearing the paper crinkle beneath her. “I can’t believe you did that—was this recent?”

“Yes,” Evfra replied, voice mildly haunted with the memory of it. “It was.” 

A quiet silence wove through the room.

Lexi broke it first. “I have procured eye drops that should help slow the deterioration—there are no guarantees, but it’s worth trying.” She walked across the room and Ryder swung her legs back and forth waiting for her return.

“Evfra.” Lexi suddenly addressed him. “Someone will need to administer these to Sara, since she’s unable to do it herself.” 

Ryder listened as Evfra rose, trying to follow his silhouette with her eyes. She felt forgotten within seconds, with her well-being discussed in front of her without her opinion.

“I will gladly learn how to do so,” Evfra answered.  “And I will send Mohni and Dhansa to the Tempest this evening to learn, if that’s acceptable.” 

At the all too easy answer, there was an inkling of emotion in the back of Ryder’s mind, a fondness that she wasn’t… _ fond  _ of. It wasn’t love, no. But it was the sort of affection that came with any crush, that made her want to hold his hand and to lean into him when they walked--dumb things. Dumb things that she didn’t want to feel, and certainly not for Evfra; Evfra was going out of his way to be kind and take care of her. For what reason, Ryder couldn’t imagine, but she sure as hell knew it couldn’t mirror what she was feeling now. 

“Do I get an opinion?” Ryder suddenly chirped, pulling herself away from the thought. She wasn’t sure if they turned to her or not.  _ It didn’t matter _ . “Because nobody’s asked if I even want to use those.”

An uncertain noise left Lexi, and Ryder listened as she tried to find something to say. “I would never force you to take them,” She tried. “Sara, that was never my intention. Of course you have an opinion in the matter.” Something in her voice lit a flicker of doubt in Ryder’s gut, and soon it was burning its way through her veins, crackling excitedly in the back of her mind. 

Ryder hopped down from the exam table, brushing at her pants. She grabbed her cane from where it was leaning against the table, bringing it with her. “I know you have my best interests at heart—you always have. And I appreciate that,” She strode over to the two figures, doing her best to make out the different shades of blue. After a moment of finding it impossible, she simply spoke between them. “But just because I’m your patient, just because I’m fucked up in a way that’s likely not fixable—that doesn’t mean you get to decide this sort of stuff for me.” 

“Sara,” Lexi said her name gently, though it did nothing to quench the rage that was using Ryder’s former doubt as kindling. “No one is deciding anything for you.”

“Like hell they aren’t, everyone is always deciding things for me.” Ryder said with a huff, not quite stomping her foot but wanting to. “It’s even worse now than before.” She looked down at the floor, shaking her head. She tried to think of something else to say but came up short. So, instead, she shuffled back over to the exam table and leaned her cane against it. 

The room was heavy with silence as Ryder clambered back onto the exam table, this time laying down on it. The paper crinkled absurdly as she did so. She folded her hands across her belly, fidgeting with them only slightly; she tried to criticise her actions, but found herself too upset to do so. It wasn’t as if Lexi was deciding anything important—and it wasn’t like she was  _ required  _ to do anything. 

But it still hurt, to not be included in decisions regarding herself. 

“Sara.” It was Lexi again. Ryder let her head tilt farther down, chin bumping her sternum. “What do you want?” 

“A say in my own  _ goddamn future. _ ” Ryder snapped without thinking. She flinched away from her words. “I’m sorry, I’m  _ sorry.  _ I didn’t mean that.” She rose a hand and laid it over her face. “I just need to simmer down a bit, I’m sorry.”

A cautious hand laid itself on her knee. “It’s okay to be angry,” Lexi said, keeping her voice low. She rubbed her thumb in soothing circles. “You’re going through a lot right now. Refusing treatment makes it harder for me to do my job later, but I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want. I didn’t mean to make it seem like you didn’t have a choice or exclude you from the conversation.” 

“Ugh, I  _ know. _ ” Ryder replied, going to sit up. “I get it. I know. Just…just do whatever you need to. I’ll behave.” She affixed her hands between her knees, twisting her fingers together. 

Ryder kept quiet through the rest of her visit in the medbay, looking down at the floor and only responding when she was asked to.  Evfra hadn’t said a word to her since her outburst, chatting mostly with Lexi about the rest of the results and such. 

“Where is everyone today?” Ryder asked numbly as the appointment came to an end. 

“They’re about,” Lexi told her. “I didn’t want to overwhelm you, so I told them not to rush you when you came in the door. It seems like they followed the order a little too well—I can call them in here, if you’d like to talk to them.”

Ryder dug her thumbnail into the meat of the opposite thumb.  _ What would I even say _ ? She wondered to herself, drawing her bottom lip into her mouth  _ What will they say?  _

“I mean, they’ll be pretty bummed if I don’t say hi, right?” Ryder muttered aloud, unsure of what she wanted to do. “I guess I should. But I’ll just take a short jaunt around the ship, visit them in their natural habitat.”

“I’m sure they’ll love to see you up and moving around. Jaal is half-convinced you’re dead and no one’s wanted to tell him.” Lexi teased, though Ryder couldn’t muster anything more than a nervous smile. “Evfra, do you have a map of the ship?”

“I still know the layout of the ship.” Ryder protested. “My feet know  _ exactly  _ where to go. Evfra has to babysit me seven days out of the week—let him take a break. I can find my way around.” She was sliding off the exam table before Lexi could protest—a strong hand clamped onto her shoulder, halting her.

“I will go with you.” Evfra told her, moving his hand to her arm. “Thank you, Dr. T’Perro. I will keep an eye out for future packages.”

Lexi sounded almost happy as she sighed. “Go on then. I have work to do, and not enough space to keep you in here all day.” 

 

Ryder wasn’t sure if she should apologise to Evfra; his temperament seemed rather neutral, but that could have been a façade to throw her off until she was in a better state of mind. She let out an uncertain grunt, deciding against it. Evfra wasn’t someone who let things stew—if he had an issue, he’d say something.

“We can leave.” Evfra suddenly said, breaking her from her thoughts. “If you get too overwhelmed.”

“Ditto,” Ryder told him, elbowing him playfully. “The crew becomes too much, you just tell me. We can split faster than a banana. You know, split? Like a banana split?” 

“What is a banana? Furthermore, what is a banana  _ split _ ?” Evfra questioned.

A laugh spilled from Ryder. “I forgot, you don’t have bananas here. I don’t think we brought any from the Milky Way, either.” She pet his arm, and then grabbed at it to help steady her. “It’s a fruit. A banana split is a cold, sweet dessert. American classic, when that mattered. Or so I’ve heard—in the end, I guess it’s gone just like everything else. Six hundred years gone.”

“You sound like you miss your old home.” Evfra murmured, letting her take the lead as much as she could. Ryder was leading him toward the lift behind the Nomad—she didn’t quite trust herself on a ladder.

“Honestly? I really do,” Ryder replied, pausing in her step. “But I think I like this one just as well.” Without thinking, she pulled Evfra into a hug, wrapping her arms around his torso. He let out a grunt of surprise at her action. “Thank you for letting us make this our home, Evfra. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.” 

Evfra was hesitant to hug her back for a moment, but eventually caved, arms loping around her shoulders. She took a big whiff of his shirt, enjoying it a tad too much—enjoying  _ Evfra  _ a little too much. 

“You’re welcome,” Evfra rumbled out, chest shaking with it. Ryder laughed and pulled away, smiling up at him. “Are you done?” 

“No,” Ryder teased, letting her arms reluctantly drop; that  _ feeling  _ was back. Ryder continued to smile but stepped back from Evfra to dull it, if she could. “I’m going to hug you until you fall in love with me.” 

Evfra snorted, taking her by the arm once again. “I’m afraid that is a waste of time.”

_ Ouch. That hurt. _

“Don’t make any snap judgements,” Ryder told him, lifting her free hand in the air. “Nobody here thought they were going to love me either. But I weaselled my way into their hearts, and I’m going to weasel my way into yours.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> Song for this fic:  
> You Are My Sunshine by Johnny Cash
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	8. You Can Hear Them Banging on the Tin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry it's been so long. I'm just a very tired human being, and vacation, and depression--the whole mess of it.  
> I'm actually very tired right now, and could use another ten years of sleep. But I couldn't miss posting this! 
> 
> If you enjoy this chapter, please consider leaving a comment below! I would really appreciate it if you did ouo

 

 _Waste of time,_ Ryder’s mind crooned repeatedly in a mockup of Evfra’s voice that was a tad too convincing for her liking. She let out an unsettled grunt, and then jumped as thick fingers squeezed her forearm—her head jerked up in Evfra’s direction, eyes wide, albeit unseeing.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Evfra questioned. His voice, though low and hushed, seemed loud in the abnormally quiet hallway.

Ryder’s brow furrowed, and she paused in her step, attention officially drawn by the silence. “It’s too quiet in here,” she replied, turning her head up toward the walkway above her. “Normally someone is yelling or banging on something. Making some sort of noise.” Ryder dropped her head back down with an unsettled grunt. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not a fan of quiet.”

Evfra squeezed her arm again, light and comforting. “I know,” he said, and then cleared his throat. “Vetra has found that device you requested—the, uh.” His voice dropped off as he thought of the correct terminology.

Ryder stared at the blur of colour in front of her; this had happened far more often than not. There would be a word or phrase that the translators couldn’t pick up, and they’d have to improvise. She made a mental note to ask about _learning_ the language the angarans spoke, to help smooth over the communication between the two of them. After all, it didn’t look like she’d be leaving Aya for some time yet.

“It’s a… portable media device,” Evfra finally decided on, irritation obvious in his voice. “It plays audio that you upload to it. In her last email, Vetra mentioned that she’s uploaded several of your favourites, as well as the audiobooks you‘ve requested.”

“Good ol’ Vetra. She can get her hands on just about everything,” She pressed a hand to her chest and leaned as close to Evfra as she could, hoping not to knock her head against his. “Including my heart.”

Evfra snorted, amusement bleeding through his normal indifference. “It sounds like quite the trophy,” he teased, tugging her down the hall once again. “You said the galley, unless you’d rather track down your heart first.”

A smile cracked its way across Ryder’s face.

“And miss out on whatever Drack is cooking? Not in this lifetime,” she sighed, equal parts dramatic and lovelorn. She took a moment to take an exaggerated whiff of the air, exhaling in happiness as the smell of something utterly _divine_ reached her nose. “I would sell my soul for whatever he’s cooking in there.”

“Luckily you won’t have to,” Evfra replied; the familiar sound of doors sliding open brought a myriad of heavy, savoury smells along with it and Ryder’s mouth began to water immediately. Evfra froze where he stood, halting Ryder as well. Ryder’s grin grew as she heard him take in a sharp inhale, and then clear his throat.

“Well,” Drack grunted. “You two just going to stand there, or are you going to come in?”

Ryder pulled away from Evfra and all but charged forward, her faith in Drack outweighing her desire for safety. She heard her name creak from Evfra’s mouth, weak and unsure. It petered out as strong arms reached out and grabbed her, pulling her out of the collision course she’d made with the galley table. The smell of gunpowder and oil met her, tugging tears of familiarity to her eyes.

“I swear, Ryder, if you followed your heart like you follow your stomach, they’d both lead you to the kitchen,” Drack gruffed, not letting her go. “You didn’t come here just to see an old man, did you? Must’ve been the rumbling of that gut of yours.”

“I’d go an eternity without food to see you again,” Ryder promised, words falling out of her mouth before she could stop them. She locked her arms around Drack’s neck, pressing her face harder against his chest. “Well, about three weeks, until starvation takes me.” She took a deep breath, then pulled back, but only slightly. Not enough to convince Drack to let her go. “I’ve missed you.”

Drack chuckled. “I’ve missed you too, kid. It’s nice seeing you again. Thought maybe you’d forgotten about us.”

“Never in a million years,” Ryder assured. “And I wish I could say the same, but, well...” She gestured to her face. “But hearing your voice is a good consolation prize.”

She turned around, flashing a grin toward the familiar blue blob in her line of vision. “You want in on this?”

“One hug is enough for me today, thank you,” Evfra responded, and Ryder hoped that was a smile she could hear in his voice. “However, if you’d like to stay here and hug for the rest of our visit, I can always find something more interesting to do.”

Ryder finally, and unhappily, pulled away from Drack. She opened her mouth to speak, but Drack cut her off.

“You should go see everyone else; I can’t let the food burn because you’re being clingy.” He paused, but not for long. “Jaal’d be a good place to start. He’s been carrying on like mad since he heard you were comin’ back to the ship. If you ain’t careful, he might go about professing his love or some shit.” Drack gave Ryder’s shoulder a gentle shake. “We can have an emotional heart-to-heart dinner later, don’t worry. But don’t expect me to let you sit in my lap.”

“Breaking my heart, Drack,” Ryder whined, never letting her smile fall. “I’ll go see Jaal before he pops. God knows that he’s probably been working himself into a tizzy, having to stay away from medbay.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Drack muttered. “Now get out of here.”

Stepping out of the galley, Ryder took a sharp left toward the cargo bay. Evfra followed beside her, though he’d gone stiff under her hand. She considered asking him what was wrong, maybe needling him into telling her (as well as that had worked before) but decided against it. She’d ask later, in the safety of their— _his—_ home. Where the two of them could work it out without Evfra getting defensive or clamming up.

“It’s amazing,” Evfra spoke, following Ryder diligently. “You’re so familiar with this ship, you can navigate it blind. You must truly love it.”

“I do,” Ryder revealed, pausing in front of the two paths down toward the cargo bay. “Left or right?”

“They both get us to our destination, correct?”

“Yes.”

Evfra let out a soft, emotionless grunt. “Then does it matter?”

“You either give me an answer, or we’re going to keep standing here,” Ryder told him flatly.

“Left, then, you insufferable woman,” Evfra replied. Ryder grinned widely at him, sliding her hand free from his arm to grab at the tips of his fingers instead. She pulled him along, bouncing slightly on the metal flooring and listening to it clang and echo beneath her feet. Evfra followed behind, dragged along and obviously distressed as another set of doors opened.

“ _Ryder,_ ” Jaal’s voice rang out, loud and clear in the room. Cora and Vetra called her name as well, but their voices were paltry and weak compared to Jaal’s. Ryder felt Evfra tug his hand away from hers, but she had little time to dwell on it as Jaal wrapped her in his arms— _hugwise, today is going very well,_ she thought briefly, nose twitching as the scent of Jaal’s various lotions and oils washed over her. It was pleasant and vaguely reminiscent of Evfra. Ryder wanted to curl up in the familiar smell and call it home, but knew she couldn’t.

Curious fingers were running over her hair and face. Dozens of questions were leaving Jaal, far too quick for her to answer.

“Are you well?” he asked, brushing her hair back. “Have you been eating well? How is your eyesight—what has Lexi said of it? Good news?” She was brought into another hug that had her laughing as she was rocked to and fro. “Oh, how I’ve missed you. You’re not cold, are you? How have you been sleeping? I know that Evfra’s house can be a bit drafty.”

“My house is not drafty,” Evfra snapped, and Ryder had to stifle a laugh.

“I’m fine, Evfra is a wonderful host,” Ryder told Jaal, returning his hug. She broke it off before Jaal was ready to let go, but he freed her all the same. “Augh, it’s been so long, hasn’t it? A month is a long time, I think.”

Cora chuckled. “Seems like nothing compared to six hundred years, don’t you think? It’s good to see you, though.” There was brief lull, before she spoke again. “It’s really good to see you.”

“Everyone is so happy to see me, but never happy to hear me,” Ryder joked, putting her hands on her hips. A soft round of giggles sparked through the group of people. She turned back to where she thought Evfra to be. “See, they think I’m funny.”

“And what poor sense of humour they possess.” The sarcasm in his voice was as good-natured as sarcasm could be. “Vetra, I’m aware you have a container of items you’d like to send back with Sara and I?”

“Oh, yeah.” Vetra sounded as if she’d been shaken from a daydream. “Shampoo, some towels. Clothing. A multi-functioning PMP, complete with the newest operating system—only the best for Sara.” Her voice was on the verge of shaking. Snapping.

Ryder frowned and let her hands slide forward, hooking her thumbs into the belt loops of her jeans. She tried to think of something to say, something to steady her. “Thanks. They better be the nice towels—if you got me those scratchy ones that Tann tried to stock the Tempest with, I swear to god I’ll find a way to push you off of the top of this ship. Right into the abyss.”

“It’s good cotton, thirty-five percent longer fibres than your average towel,” Vetra told her, voice jerking forward, sounding half-broken but eager to perform. “I skipped out on the embroidery, but I think you’ll understand why.”

“Because I can’t see, yeah,” Ryder agreed. She opened her arms wide, not quite done with her hugs yet. “So, can I get a hug, anyone? Come on Cora, come on Vetra, bring it in. I’m not getting any younger. No reason to be scared.”

She received both hugs in kind, Cora’s relatively short in compared to Vetra’s.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Vetra whispered into her ear. “Your condition, I…it’s…”

“…Easier to deal with from a distance?” Ryder finished, voice just as quiet. “Believe me, I get it.” She pulled away, clapping a hand on Vetra’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, alright? You just focus on the mission and making Andromeda habitable. I’ll be fine. I’ve got a very dutiful babysitter.”

“I am not a babysitter,” Evfra commented dryly.

Ryder let out a soft hum of disagreement. “Glorified babysitter. In-house aid? Something like that.” She put her hands back on her hips. “So, catch me up. What’s been going on? The only bits of information I’ve gotten from the front are from the Resistance HQ, so I’m going to need you to fill in the gaps for me.”

“We’re spending a good amount of time on Elaaden,” Cora offered, though it was nervous, and her words were obviously tailored and careful.

“You can talk in front of Evfra, Cora,” Ryder told her, rolling her shoulders. “Whatever information we have that can be of use to the Resistance should be shared with them, and our movements within the system should be shared as well. I would hate to find out that the Pathfinder team has been…” She paused for effect, pursing her lips and furrowing her brow. “…Well, holding anything back.”

“Of course,” Cora replied; her compliance paid homage to Ryder’s sway over the Tempest crew, even though she no longer manned the ship. She winced inwardly, cursing at herself for using it—this was her brother’s ship, his operation. She no longer had a place within it. “The peace you brokered with the krogan, while it has allowed us to build an outpost on Elaaden, has come with several issues that we’ve had little success in addressing. Morda is fighting us at every turn.”

Ryder snorted. “Of _course_ she is, she’s krogan. Tell me something I can use, Cora—” She cut herself off, forcing herself to stay still. “—Something Scott can use, not me.”

“With all due respect to our new Pathfinder, I’m not sure he’s quite up to the task,” Cora told Ryder, the strain in her voice obvious.

“You can say that again.” Liam’s voice interrupted their chat, travelling through the cargo bay far too loudly than was comfortable. “I respect the guy for taking up the helm and all, but the shoes you left for him are a little hard to fill.”

A disgusted sigh left Ryder. “I’m not going to hear it,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “I’m not going to listen to anything negative that you have to say about him. I’m not going to shit-talk my own twin brother—if you’ve got a problem with him, you’re going to bring it to his attention, not mine. And you sure as hell need to stop comparing him to me.”

“Sara is right,” Jaal agreed. “We must accept Scott as the new Pathfinder without putting his accomplishments beside hers. That will get us nowhere.”

“Except maybe to a mutiny,” Evfra muttered from the back. Ryder jumped, almost forgetting that he was there. “I feel like this is a conversation I shouldn’t be here for.”

“I feel like I shouldn’t be here for it either,” Ryder replied darkly, curling her hands into fists. “I don’t… Look,” She pointed behind her, toward the bridge. “He’s Pathfinder. Get over it.”

“Why?” Liam asked defiantly. “This whole situation is temporary anyway. As soon as Lexi gets your eyes fixed, you’ll be back, and it won’t matter anymore.”

Ryder didn’t let silence fall over the room, knowing how painful it would be.

“They’re not getting fixed, Liam,” Ryder told him, voice raw and grating. Hurtful in a way that he didn’t deserve but received anyway. “That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works—and even, if by some miracle, they find a way to fix this mess? It’s not going to be overnight.”

She swallowed, but continued, fingernails biting into her palm. “Reconstruction, healing. It takes months. I know you have a firm belief that everything will work out in the end—but this kind of situation—” Her shoulders hiked up, tension stringing through her unpleasantly, the keyed-up emotion from before returning and playing havoc with her nerves. “This is the end. The end of me on this ship, and that’s just something that you’re all going to have to deal with.”

And then, only then was the silence was allowed, punctuating her sentence with an audible period. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

“If you can’t work together under Scott, I will personally email Tann and get you all pulled from this ship,” Ryder warned, letting her fingers uncurl and rest against her thigh. She pressed her lips into a thin, unimpressed line. “The Tempest deserves more than that. She deserves more from _you._ And if you aren’t willing to give it, tell me now so I can get you the hell off her.”

Again, silence.

“That’s what I thought,” Ryder growled. “Fix the krogan problem and fix the attitude problem. I’m no longer in charge of this ship, but I’ll be damned if she goes down because you can’t play nice.”

“Yes, Pathfinder.” The words slipped from Cora, though Ryder knew they were unbidden. There was an echo of words from those around Cora, all similar and affirmative in a way that Ryder appreciated.

“Then I’ll see you at dinner,” Ryder imparted. “Don’t let me come back to this, guys. Please. I have enough shit I’m going through right now and stressing about this place should be the last thing on my list.”

Jaal’s fingers brushed hers, and she jumped for the second time that day, forgetting how close he had been. “Of course,” he told her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. His voice was heavy with guilt, and Ryder winced. He didn’t deserve her rage. “You need to focus on getting well.”

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing you in action,” Evfra complimented when they’d fully left the cargo bay. “That was quite an impressive display.”

Ryder grunted, bringing her free hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “I love them to pieces, I promise. I just… It’s like herding cats, it really is. It always has been, and it always will be.” She lifted her head, sighing. “I’ve always been too damn young for this job.”

“And yet you do it well. Did it well,” Evfra told her. Ryder said nothing, staring at the floor.

 _I was mediocre at it,_ she told herself, kicking her feet as she walked. _If I was good at it, I wouldn’t be going blind. Hell, if I was damn well decent at it, I wouldn’t have allowed my brother to be kidnapped and tortured by the Archon._ She shook her head, trying not to sigh. _But I guess all that doesn’t matter now._

“Where to?” Evfra asked, squeezing her arm and pulling her from her thoughts. “Somewhere on the floor above us, perhaps?”

“I guess we could go hunt down my brother. Or Kallo and Suvi,” Ryder suggested, shifting from one foot to the other. “Or you could drop me back off at the galley, where I can hide under the table until dinner, and you can pretend you lost me.”

“I’d prefer not to gather the ire of everyone on the ship,” Evfra replied honestly. “We could always go home, if you aren’t feeling up to staying aboard.”

_Home._

“No, I think we should stay. Just a little bit longer. I need to talk to my brother, ah...” She swallowed. “Alone. I should probably talk to him first.”

“Very well. Do you have any idea where might be?”

Ryder nodded, pointing at the large doors she knew were at the end of the hall. “Pathfinder quarters. Best place to be in the whole ship.”

“Then please, lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello! Welcome to the end of the chapter :) 
> 
> Song(s) for this chapter:  
> The Wave by Miike Snow  
> The Animal Song by Savage Garden  
> You Gotta Die Sometime by Andrew Rannells 
> 
>  
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	9. Heart to Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's nice to see everyone again, aha. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, so I hope you have a lot of fun reading it--in fact, I hope you have enough fun to consider commenting below! I love hearing from all of you, and it really inspires me to work harder!

 Scott was uncharacteristically quiet as he led Ryder into his room, barely bidding Evfra a hushed greeting and farewell, before his voice dropped off completely. The door slid shut and locked with a soft click, leaving Evfra by himself on the other side. Both the sound of the radio and the familiar hum of SAM on the desk was missing—it felt oddly personal to Ryder, as unsettling as the sound of footsteps behind you on a dark night. _It’s not your room anymore._ Ryder reasoned with herself, though it didn’t stop her from gripping her cane tight--tight enough that she knew her knuckles had turned white.

“Gotta say, Scott,” Ryder told him. Her cane clicked against the cool tile, echoing in the silence of the room; she paused, feeling around for the short lip that extended in a semi-circle from the doorway. After she’d conquered it, one foot at a time, she made her way toward where she remembered the couch to be. “I don’t like this mood you’re in. Not even a little bit.”

Ryder carefully found a place at the end of the couch. It squeaked beneath her, and she winced—when she’d left, the leather had been worn from overuse. Scott must’ve gotten a new one. That or reupholstered the old one. Ryder didn't take offence; he had always been a fan of leather and would go into a tizzy at the mere mention of its mistreatment. “God, my couch wasn’t good enough for you? Did you get a new bed too?”

Scott didn’t offer anything at the gentle ribbing and Ryder listened as her brother shuffled over to dip into the secret mini fridge beneath the desk she’d had installed mere weeks before her abrupt retirement. She waited patiently as Scott gathered whatever he’d wanted from the fridge, and then walked over to her. His steps were meek and near timid, reminding Ryder of the subtle differences between the two. She'd always been heavy-footed and had to train and practice stealth, whilst Scott was a natural to sneaking. 

“C’mon, dimples,” Ryder murmured, patting the couch beside her. “Let your big sister help. Tell me what’s going on in that big ol’ head of yours.” Again, nothing. She jumped when a cold bottle was nudged into her hand.

“It’s tea,” Scott said quietly, taking the seat beside her. “The good kind.”

“It’s always the good kind,” Ryder replied, setting the bottle on the table. She set her cane aside and turned toward Scott, opening her arms. Scott soon filled them, pressing into her proffered hug. “Your mood sure took a turn for the worst, didn’t it? What happened?”

Scott didn’t say anything for a moment more, pressing his forehead against her shoulder. “I heard everything,” He finally said, jaw tightening. “In the cargo bay.”

Ryder’s blood froze, turning cold and sluggish in her veins. Her mouth worked for a moment as she tried to find something to say. _Anything_ to say. Her words, normally organised and chatty, stuck in her throat.

“Scott, I…” She swallowed her words, and then her nerves. “Scott, they’ll come around.” Ryder placed a hand against the back of Scott's head, petting at his hair. Her hand moved down to rub at his shoulders, careful and slow, working the tension from them. “You don’t need to worry. Being Pathfinder comes with a hell of a learning curve.”

“You learned pretty fast,” Scott muttered, sounding sore. “You’re more cut out for this job then I am.” He let out a short, mirthless laugh. His shoulders trembled beneath her touch, like fragile China shivering on earthquake shaken shelves. “What am I complaining about? You’ve got the shittier end of this deal. My only problem is my crew doesn’t like me. You’re going blind.” He went quiet once again, emotion draining from his voice. “Because of me.”

Ryder tried her blink away the red in her vision, remembering to breathe. “Scott, do you honestly think that? That this is _your_ fault?” She pulled him in tighter, kissing at the top of his head. “Oh, you’re so dumb.”

“ _Hey._ ”

“Scott, being Pathfinder is dangerous. Whether or not you had been kidnapped—and that wasn’t your fault in the _slightest—_ I would have still had to fight the Archon. Maybe, without your help, he would have killed me. Killed everyone. And even if I survived _then,_ who knows? There are about a thousand things in this galaxy that I could die from. I got off easy.”

Ryder poked him in the side. He flinched away, fearing that she’d tickle him again. “You have the hard job now. And all the paperwork,” She sighed, reaching for her tea and twisting the cap off. The plastic popped delightfully as the seal gave way. She leaned back against the couch. “I’m free of responsibility and get to spend the rest of my life on Aya. And currently get to annoy the shit out of Evfra. _Daily.”_

Scott snorted, shifting away from her and letting out a sniffle. “I…I guess so. Thank you,” He laughed again, softer this time. Happier. “You know, you’re supposed to be the evil twin.”

“No, I’m the angry, loud twin,” Ryder corrected, taking a drink of her tea. It was delicious, vibrant and robust with flavours of apple and pear, blended with black tea. Scott really _had_ gotten the good kind. “That doesn’t equate to evil.”

“If you say so,” Scott muttered, sitting up. “So, uh. How is the living with Evfra thing going? Have you two bumped fuzzies yet?”

Ryder sputtered, barely getting her next swig of tea down. “Bumped fuzzies?” She questioned, wiping at her now messy chin. 

“You know, like fucking?” Scott translated, and Ryder swung her head around to glare at where she thought he was.

“I _know_ what bumping fuzzies mean. I just…” She looked back at the table feeling her cheeks burn. She brought her free hand up to cover her face. “…I don’t even think he’s got hair down there.”

A sharp gasp left Scott.

“You _want_ too.”

“No. I mean, _no,_ I don’t know,” Ryder stuttered, affixing the cap back on her tea. She went to get up, shaking her head. “Look at the time, I’ve got to go.”

Scott’s hand clamped down on her arm, dragging her back down toward the couch. “Look at the time my ass. You can’t see, and you aren’t wearing a watch. Get back here,” Ryder let herself be pulled back into her seat, ears on fire. “Do you really like him?”

Ryder shrugged. “I don’t know. I really don’t. I haven’t even thought about sex with him, either, thank you very much,” She ran a hand through her hair, tugging at it. “I think it’s just a crush, because he’s being nice to me. And I’m in an emotionally unstable state, and he’s right there—being comforting—” Ryder brought both of her hands to her face, not even jumping as the cold surface of the bottle touched her skin. “—maybe? I’m not really confident in how I feel, right now. About anything.”

The silence stretched between them for a second. Ryder brought in a deep, steadying breath, before speaking.

“What do you think I should do? Like, how should I approach this?” She asked, folding her hands between her legs.

“Why are you asking me? You’re the tactician of the two of us,” Scott told her. The couch squeaked as he shifted.

“Yeah, but you’ve had more boyfriends,” Ryder replied dryly. “And the last relationship I had kind of ended in...” She cleared her throat. “Well you know. Eleasha and I broke up before the whole six-hundred-year nap. And that turned into the…the, uh. You--you read the note.”

Scott nodded, voice once again gone, leaving the room empty of noise. He laid a hand on her arm and squeezed. “What do _you_ want to do?”

“I…” Ryder paused, drawing her bottom lip into her mouth. She ran her teeth along it, surprised when it didn't catch on dry skin. “I don’t want to act. Not when I’m still figuring out this entire mess in my head. I don’t think I can rely on these feelings to be true. And I’m pretty sure they aren’t reciprocated. Risking my current place of residence and the friendship I’ve built with Evfra on a crush isn’t smart.” She brought her folded hands upward, tapping her fingers against her lips. “That’s what I should do. What I want to do is kiss him.”

She ignored the soft coo that her brother made, batting at a hand that pinched at her cheek a few seconds later. “Stop that.”

“I can’t. It’s hilarious to see you flustered like this,” He pulled his hand away and set it on her shoulder. “I think you should definitely wait. Play it slow and careful,” He paused, and then removed his hand. “Considering how rocky your past has been with Evfra, it’s not worth acting until you’re sure that you’re interested in him. Because, no offence sis, you do have a lot to process right now. You said it yourself. Let yourself come to terms with who you are now and become confident in how you feel. Then you can kiss him.”

“But I want to kiss him _now,_ ” Ryder whined playfully. “He’s so cute.”

“He’s definitely not cute.”

“Xenophobe.”

“I am _not_ a xenophobe,” Scott told her. “I think other angara are plenty attractive. Like Jaal, and uh.” He stopped, voice choking and dying in his throat. “And…Jaal.”

Ryder’s eyes crinkled as she smiled. “Do you want to kiss Jaal?”

 _In all fairness,_ Ryder mused to herself. _Who doesn’t?_  

“ _Out,_ ” Scott ordered. “Before you steal any more of my secrets.” Ryder laughed as she was almost pushed from the couch. They play fought for a moment, before resettling. “Joking aside, if you decide that you do like Evfra, I don’t see you having any problem winning him over.”

Ryder narrowed her eyes unwittingly and pressed her lips into a thin line. Not thoughtful, no, she was  _irked_. The idea of Evfra responding positively to to a romantic overture was…she furrowed her brow, letting out an unsettled grunt, sinking deeper into the couch.

“Don’t,” Ryder’s voice was icier than she’d intended, not wanting to hear what Scott might say next. “I said earlier that the feelings weren’t returned.”

“They aren’t returned _yet,_ ” Scott clarified, tone incredulous. “Why do you care what you do if you’re sure he doesn’t feel the same? And that that won't change?” Scott questioned. “Is there something I’m missing here?”

“ _Look at me,_ ” Ryder demanded. “Look at me, Scott. You don’t know Evfra like I do. But you have to know that he’s never going to settle for someone disabled. Or as useless as I've become. I can barely take a bath by myself without slipping on my ass.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Not to mention I’m the biggest jerk since, you know. Dad.”

Scott let out an uncertain hum. “Do you think people are just going to stop liking you because you suddenly can’t see, and can’t move around like you used to?” When Ryder didn’t respond, Scott continued. “You know I still love you, right?” His voice cracked on his question, and the sound echoed in Ryder's heart. She wanted to wince away from it. “ Everyone here does. And we’re not going to stop liking or loving you because of something out of your control—that’s not how bonds work. That's not how feelings work--And if we still love you, there’s a chance that other people can _start_ loving you. And they can definitely like you. Even a prude like Evfra.”

“He’s not a prude,” Ryder defended, bringing the heel of her hand up to wipe at her eyes, chasing away unbidden tears. “He’s just got a lot on his shoulders right now.”

“Are you sure you just have a _crush_ ?” Scott teased, poking at her side. She swatted at his hand, jerking away from it. “I know it’s hard trying to transition to a civilian life, what with all of this excitement you had while you were Pathfinder. But being or having been Pathfinder doesn’t define who you are—Tann, Addison—there was so much going on when you arrived, that’s all they saw you as. And they’ve kind of convinced you that that's all you are. But you’re a person first. And you are a _great_ person.”

“Can we go back to you being sad, and me comforting you?” Ryder asked, turning her head from him. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Scott went mum for a moment.

“Yeah, I…yeah, sorry. We don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” There was a shifting of leather, and Ryder heard him get up. He cleared his throat. “I have a present for you—for showing up for your appointment with Lexi.”

“Lexi threatened to come to me,” Ryder replied, considerably bitter and wanting nothing more than to go home. “So, I really didn’t have a choice in the matter. It was better to get out and about for a bit anyway.” She tightened her fingers in the cloth of her jacket. “What kind of present is it?”

“One I’m sure you’ll like,” Scott answered, and Ryder listened as he sifted through something or another on the other side of the room. She snorted. _No doubt he’s already lost whatever it is,_ she thought, adjusting to be more comfortable. “Now, it isn’t the same one—but it’s similar enough that I’m sure you can get the hang of it in no time.”

Ryder cocked an eyebrow in question. “The exact same what?”

“Vetra looked everywhere for it,” Scott went on, voice pitching up in excitement. Ryder let out a displeased huff as he ignored her question. “For me to give to you. I mean, I don’t know if she knew I was going to give it to you, but maybe? She’s good at knowing stuff.” Something toppled off a shelf nearby, and she heard Scott swear. Ryder waited patiently, trying her best not to laugh—she might’ve been messy, but Scott was a hoarder in all senses of the word.

“She is pretty good at knowing stuff,” Ryder agreed. “Unnaturally good, sometimes.”

“Oh my god, so it’s _not_ just me,” He muttered. “Hey, here it is.” Something else tumbled free, and Ryder barked out a warm laugh that overpowered Scott’s cursing. “Shit, everything on these shelves are a mess. I’ll clean it up later.”

Ryder let out an unconvinced grunt that he ignored.

“Now, close your eyes and open your hands.”

There was a moment of silence where Ryder considered his words, staring into the space in front of her. She bit at her lips, trying to hold back a chuckle.

“Hey, Scott? You’re cute and all, but, well,” She cleared her throat. “I’m not going to close my eyes.”

“Why not? That kind of ruins the surprise,” Scott told her with a pout--a horrified gasp left him seconds later.

Ryder leaned forward, full-on laughing now. “I’m blind,” She told him, before he could answer. “I don’t see the point. Literally. I can’t see anything.” The noise that Scott made in response to her joke had her laughing harder, chest shaking. “It’s almost worth it, having people freak out when they think they’ve offended me.”

“How did I forget that?” Scott squeaked, obviously embarrassed. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. We were literally just talking about it too. I'm so sorry, _fuck_.”

“I’m not offended,” Ryder soothed, trying to rein herself in. “I promise. It's just habit. Now give me that present. I’ve earned it.” She thrust her hands outward, palms up. Any day was a good day for a present. _Especially_ a day like today.

The bottom of a medium curved bowl met her palm, and Ryder frowned. With slow, careful fingers, she began to feel along it--and then dip inside. It was made of plastic and obviously worn, but Ryder knew what it was within _seconds._ Buttons lined the outside rim, all smooth and well-loved. She could tears threatening to choke her. 

“Is this…” Ryder paused, listening to a happy beep as she pressed a button inward, turning the device on. “...Scott, how did you find this? Is it really... ?”

“It is,” Scott confirmed proudly. “I hope you like it.

The lump in Ryder’s throat had her swallowing. The sourness that the beginning of the day had brought washed away in light of the gift. “I love it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, friends!
> 
> Song for this chapter:  
> Banana Boat (Day-O) by Harry Belafonte  
> Alien Boy by Oliver Tree  
> Mote of Dust Suspended in a Sunbeam by Juan Maria Solare 
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	10. History Lesson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S CHAPTER TEN. Welcome to chapter ten guys, we hit the first milestone! Time to celebrate! 
> 
> If you guys enjoy this chapter, feel free to leave a comment below! I'd love to hear from you :D 
> 
> This fic is edited/beta'd by me! So, you know. Not.

 

The rest of the visit went about as well as Ryder expected; everyone was on their “best” behaviour, succeeding in not embarrassing her further in front of Evfra. _Not that I care._ Ryder reminded herself as she settled onto Evfra’s living room couch, plumping the pillows on either side of her. She cocked her head to the side, listening for Evfra’s footsteps. Not entirely sure he was gone, but not particularly worried about it, she pulled out the item that her brother had gifted her.

“That’s not a bomb, is it?” Evfra’s voice was tired, and Ryder couldn’t blame him for that. Her crew— _Scott's_ crew were…a lot to deal with, when you weren’t used to their shenanigans. She turned her head toward his voice and flashed a smile. It bugged her, somewhat, that she didn’t hear him. But she chalked it up to her being distracted.

“Not to my knowledge,” She replied, settling further back against the couch cushions and running her hands along the rim of the item in her hands. She fiddled with the buttons, before turning it on. A cheery, tinkling noise greeted her, followed by the sound of faux laser pistols. A tinny voice welcomed her to the game, and she smiled so hard her cheeks started to hurt. “My brother gave it to me,” Ryder explained, curling her fingers over the lip and pressing them inside. She ran her fingers over the worn interior. “It’s uh, well, hm.” She pursed her lips, tapping a nail against the plastic. “A toy? A handheld one. It’s made for turian children, to practice strategy.”

Evfra grunted and Ryder restrained the urge to jump. He was so close to her now. “May I sit?” He asked, and Ryder nodded. He had never sat next to her on the couch before, but she wasn’t going to stop him. Obviously because it was _his_  couch _,_ not because she wanted him there.

_Right._

“Why would your brother give you a toy?” He continued to question, and Ryder felt the couch dip with his weight as he settled down on it. His tone was even and curious, without the slightest bit of judgement. 

“To cheer me up,” Ryder responded; she was oddly aware of the warmth radiating off of Evfra—she found the off button of the toy in her hand, clicking it and banishing the soft hum it had been producing. It was going to take a miracle, to get her to ignore Evfra's body heat.  _God, he's so close._ Her conversation with Scott, his question about  _bumping_ _fuzzies_ —it echoed in her mindand burned her ears, and she resisted the urge to clear her throat. “It’s not the exact same, this is an older model, but I used to have one like it when I was a kid. While I was in the hospital.”

“Hospital?” Evfra questioned. His voice had lowered a smidgen. Ryder nodded, fidgeting with the plastic. “Why were you hospitalised?”

“I was a sick kid,” Ryder offered easily, smile falling into a thoughtful frown. “When I was little, I mean, really little—maybe four or five?” Her brow furrowed, and her lips pursed, pressing into a thin line. Did angrans know what cancer was? She decided that no, the word wouldn't translate—she'd just loosely describe what she'd had. “I was diagnosed with a disease that basically ate holes in my bones.” She ran a hand over her knee. “Primarily my knees and legs. That’s why I have a metal rod in one of them. The other is part prosthetic bone, as weird as that sounds.”

“How long were you in the hospital?” Evfra didn’t sound incredibly affected by her story so far, which was a relief. “And a metal rod?”

Ryder snorted, reaching a hand up to run it through her hair; it was going to get shaggy soon. She really needed to get a haircut. “You didn’t think that Drack was the only one aboard that’s banged up, did you?” Her hand returned to the small game in her palm. “And on and off for about five years, until they found a cure. I was lucky that they did.”  _Really_ lucky, actually. 

“I got one of these from the father of one of my roommates,” Ryder said, holding the game up, proceeding with her story. “He gave it to me on the day his daughter was released, when I was about seven. For being such a good friend to her.” She paused to take a breath, wondering why she felt the urge to spill her sob story to the one man who probably didn’t care one way or another. “We both knew I had awhile left to go, and that the hospital was a purgatory level of boring.”

“Did you make friends often, while you were being treated?”

Ryder let out a soft laugh, shaking her head. “Gods, _no._ The girl who’s dad gave me this? We hated each other more than we hated the situation we were in.” She closed her eyes, lips turning up into a smile. “We were both angry kids, you know? Angry about our lives. Angry about what had happened to us. Other kids, our siblings—they were fine, they got to run around, spend their summers splashing in swimming pools, playing on swings—not hooked up to beeping, screaming machines and coming to terms with dying.”

Evfra physically started at this, couch shaking partially with his movement. His shock was evident in his voice as well. “Dying?”

“I said I was a sick kid. So was my roommate. We were both the kind of sick that made our parents come to terms with mortality,” Ryder let out an unsure hum. “It sucked. But we were nice to each other in front of our parents. We had to be. I...I was moved to a private room, after that. Long days of surgery, longer days of therapy. But I got a lot of use out of that strategy game.”

“And you don’t have the original console?”

Ryder’s voice clogged in her throat, and she coughed to clear it. “What? I mean, that was years ago, Evfra. Too many years ago, even if you subtract the six hundred nap I took. Why would I have it?”

“Because _you_ are sentimental,” Evfra replied dryly. “And that seems like the exact sort of something that _you_ would smuggle onto a trip to another galaxy.” His thigh brushed hers, and she snapped her head in the opposite direction of him, laying her free hand on her thigh and fidgeting with the cloth of her jeans.

“I…after I got out of the hospital, for good, y’know?  I was really weak, and pretty small—I know that you probably can’t even imagine that. I’m practically a giant now,” She ran her hand along her pants, rubbing her palm against the material anxiously. “Some kids took it from me, one day, and uh. Broke it. My brother scared them off, but he couldn’t save the game.” She shrugged. “That’s why I turned out how I did, I guess. Because bullies don’t go away, even when you’re grown.”

She stopped rubbing at her jeans, feeling her palm begin to sting at the friction. “And…I guess that even if you’re big and bad enough to dissuade your own bullies, you should be strong enough to stop them from hurting other people too. Because some people…can’t...” Her voice faded into a whisper. “I’m sorry, that sounds kind of dumb, doesn’t it?”

Evfra let out a soft, reassuring noise, not quite a grunt but not a coo. “Would you teach me how to play?” He asked, voice as soft as Ryder’s had become. Ryder cocked an eyebrow, and then cocked her head, lips threatening to form a smile.

“I would love too,” She answered, turning toward him. She dragged her legs up onto the couch and folded them beneath her. “You might have to be patient with me. It’s harder to teach without visual cues. Gotta feel the game out.”

“We’ve plenty of evening left,” Evfra had turned to her as well, and she could hear him better for it. “And you’ve taught me quite a bit about patience, since we’ve met. I think I can handle a lesson or two.”

Ryder faux gasped. “I am _flattered,_ ” She teased, reaching forward blindly and grabbing at his fingers. She smiled when he didn’t flinch, and she brought his hand over to the game. “First things first, here’s the _on_ switch.”

 

“How do you keep…” Evfra cut himself off with a snarl and a curse. “…this is a child’s game.” He tried to level his voice. “You’ve quite the mind for strategy, Ryder.”

Ryder’s grin hadn’t left since they’d began playing against one another. He'd promised he'd gotten the hang of it--and he had. But he hadn't taken in account how well Ryder knew the game. “It’s okay to lose to me, Evfra,” She told him with a wink. “Must be a blow to your pride to lose to someone who can’t even see the board. Wait ‘til you see me play chess.”

“Another human game?” Evfra asked, voice turning dry. He ignored her taunt, much to Ryder's delight. 

“For all ages,” Ryder promised, turning her game off. “I’ll have to put this on the charger tonight.” She threw her legs over the side of the couch, wiggling her toes as needles and pins worked through them and up through her thighs. “And we can play tomorrow, if you want?” She tried to keep the hope from her voice; tonight was fun, and not just because she creamed Evfra. _Haha, creamed._ She giggled to herself, curling her toes. 

“If you’d like,” Evfra replied, pulling himself up and off the couch. “You’ve got to have your eyedrops, and then I’ve got work to tend to.” He paused. “Is there anything you’d like to discuss, in relation to today?” Ryder listened carefully; she could hear his steps now. Better than before. Which made her curious as to whether he was being louder on purpose, or if he’d been sneaking up on her earlier. He was headed to the kitchen, no doubt to get her medicine.

Ryder pursed her lips and bobbed her head this way and that. There were plenty of things to discuss, but nothing that she wanted to talk about, not really. “I mean, Scott likes Jaal,” She stood from the couch, reaching for her cane. “I think we should work together to hook them up.”

“You want to hook them up?” The question was quick—too quick. And Evfra sounded off at the suggestion. Ryder’s eyes narrowed. She tapped her way into the kitchen, finding her way to her favourite chair with practiced ease. She was learning the house rapidly, able to navigate it as long as everything was in its place.

“I was thinking about it,” Ryder answered carefully, taking a seat. “Evfra…if you’re into Jaal, I can talk to Scott for you. Not a problem. I will tell him that Jaal is already taken. He’s a good guy, he can respect that.”

“ _Sara._ ”

“Hey, there’s no need to be shy about it. Jaal is a really sweet guy. Hot too. I can see why you’d like him,” She placed her hands on the table, determined. “If you need a wingman, I am so on board. Just tell me what you need me to do, and I am _there._ ”

Evfra interrupted her before she could say more. “I do _not_ have a romantic interest in Jaal,” he rumbled out, voice on the verge of a snarl. Ryder quieted, splaying her fingers on the table further, tapping them in a firm rhythm. “Why would I be interested in helping you play matchmaker?”

“Why not?” Ryder asked, genuinely confused. “Scott likes Jaal. I’m pretty sure Jaal likes Scott. Why not marry the match and let them both be happy?”

“I was under the impression that—” He drew in a sharp breath, and then grunted. “—we should take care of your medication, before it turns late.” Ryder grabbed her cane and moved it to the other side of her, letting it rest against her thigh. “And I will not interfere with their lives in that manner. They are both grown adults—if they’ve an interest in one another, then they’re in charge of how their relationship progresses.”

Ryder huffed, half-convinced that Evfra was lying about Jaal. “You, sir, are utterly no fun,” She told him resolutely. She jumped when a hand pressed to the back of her head, urging her to tilt it back. She then winced as the medicine was applied—the drops were cold against her eye, and an all-over new experience she didn't enjoy. Evfra hushed her when she complained, and she tried to ignore the warmth that blossomed in her chest when his thumb slotted behind her ear and rubbed there soothingly.

“My job doesn’t require me to be _fun,_ ” Evfra reminded, moving to her other eye. Ryder went quiet as he did so, letting him work in peace.

“I mean, it doesn’t,” Ryder told him when he was done; her eyes were irritated with the medicine, but Lexi had told her that might happen. “But I mean, you’re now a part-time Ryder babysitter. Fun is about to become your middle name.” She looked forward once more, half-expecting the blur to clear from her vision when the drops were blinked away, but not bothering to be disappointed when it didn’t happen.

Evfra snorted, shuffling across the kitchen to replace the medicine to wherever he’d grabbed it from. “Unlikely. While your personality is persuasive, I doubt it will do anything of the sort.”

“I’ve done quite a lot that could be considered _unlikely_ to happen,” Ryder reminded, kicking her feet. “Don’t count me out of the ballgame just yet.”

Again. Evfra snorted.  

“Do you need assistance, returning to your room?” He asked. Ryder let out a hum, sucking her cheek between her teeth and chewing on it indecisively. “And if you need anything, simply call for me. I am—”

“—right down the hall,” Ryder finished with a smile. “Thanks, Evfra.” She got up from her chair, reaching a hand out. An arm was underneath it within seconds, and she gripped it tightly. Her heart flipped in her chest at the simple action, but she ignored it, keeping her grin plastered on her face.

 

Ryder had another dream, that night. Though nowhere near as terrifying as the other. This one was…different. Instead of waking up with a scream, she woke up with her fingers between her thighs, desperately pressing against the wetness there.

“What the _fuck,_ ” She cursed, not willing to open her eyes. It wasn’t that she was unaccustomed to wet dreams. Plenty of women had them, and plenty of women masturbated in their sleep—no, it was the _content_ that threw her off _._

There was no beating around the bush. _Ha, bush,_ she mused, and then shook the mirth away. It had been about Evfra, settled neatly between her thighs. A leg was over each one of his shoulders—the cloth of his rofjinn rubbed against her thighs, ungodly soft and warm. A hot mouth pressed wet kisses up her thighs, each one vibrating with a rumbling growl from the back of Evfra’s throat.

“Fuck this in particular,” She growled out, popping her finger underneath her underwear and yanking them down—her pants were long abandoned at the end of her bed, no doubt another product of her dreaming. “This is worse than a nightmare, for Christ’s sake.”

Her mind floated back to Evfra and the thought of him calmed her anger and transformed it into lust.  Those ever-serious eyes looking up at her from between her legs was something that her mind had crafted to perfection. And his lips twitching up into a smile as he kissed against the outer lips of her cunt had her shaking. Ryder could only think of him being _perfect,_ of being able to make her scream and arch her back with his mouth alone—she reached up and squeezed at one of her breasts, rolling it in the palm of her hand and pinching at her the now pebbled and erect nipple.

“Fuck, I…this isn’t right,” She huffed out, continuing to palm herself. Her fingers slid through her own slick, and then she pinched her clit between them, tugging lightly. She whined, awkwardly spreading her legs out on either side of her; one of her knees was pressed against the wall, and the other hung off the side of the bed but she didn’t _care._

 _You don’t like him like that,_ she thought, rolling her lips between her teeth, wanting to get this over with. _But if that’s true, and even if it is, you could just stop, you don’t have to masturbate to the thought of him._ She gritted her teeth against her inner voice (always the sane one) arching her hips into her hand.

“I’ll do whatever I goddamn please,” She hissed aloud at herself, letting her eyes finally pop open. It was dark in her room, and that low, hungry ache had only grown between her thighs. The dim light of her computer covered her room in a low orange glow. Her tongue darted out to wet chapped lips. “God, I’m so fucked up.” She groaned, switching to the short, quick circles she knew would get her off. Every time she closed her eyes, Evfra’s face would swim into view and a sharp jolt of pleasure would spark in her gut. There was something about the hunger that her mind had put in his eyes that left her _wanting._

Ryder came noiselessly, legs flopping down against the duvet. She pulled her fingers away, sighing in disappointment at herself. She slowly sat up, searching for her cane with her clean hand—she needed to wash up before she could curl up into a depressed ball of regret.

“Gross,” Ryder muttered as she made her way to the bathroom, searching for the light switch. “I’m such a gross person, _yuck._ I wasn’t even thinking about this. And then Scott had to fucking mention sleeping with Evfra, and now I’m _gross._ ”

She turned on the water, carefully checking the temperature before activating the shower. “At least I can turn on the shower by myself,” She muttered, divesting herself of her shirt.

In the shower, her mind was free to wander— it went from comic books, to varren, to guns. And then it hopped to _how well an angaran could smell._ Her cheeks burned at the thought. God, if Evfra could smell her, that would be so _embarrassing._ Masturbation was natural and all, Jaal had shared that much about angaran culture. But that didn’t mean she wanted Evfra, her _host,_ to know that she was…

“Sara?”

The soft call of her name from the door had her nearly spilling over in the shower. She pressed herself against the wall, blinking in confusion. She’d shut the door, she was pretty sure. Her thoughts must’ve distracted her from the noise of her guest opening it.

“Uh, yeah?” She called back; she knew the voice, she knew the owner of the voice, but her mind couldn’t place it. “I’m kind of in the shower? You know. Showering.”

The owner cleared her—yes _her—_ voice. “I’m sorry to bother you, of course. I simply heard the water running and came to check on you.” Ryder furrowed her brow, trying to figure out who it was.

“Moshae Sjefa?” Ryder questioned out loud, and she got a charmed laugh in return.

“Did you not recognise me?” She mused. Ryder went to turn the water off and the following silence was almost agonising. Ryder curled her fingers around the edge of the shower curtain and looked out into the open room. Still blurry. But now a mauve, blurry blob had joined into the mess. “Would you like me to fetch you a towel?”

Ryder let out a hum, and then pulled the curtain back, stepping out onto the cold tile flooring. Judging by the noise the Moshae made, she was surprised. “Nah, I can get it,” She walked over to the towel cupboard, pulling one of them free and carefully wrapping it around herself. “What time is it? I was thinking about going back to bed for a bit, but if it’s about breakfast time, I might as well stay up.”

“Mohni and Dhansa have just arrived,” the Moshae replied. “I came to assist in making breakfast. It is calming, to spend the morning doing something so…ordinary.”

“I bet,” Ryder replied. “Sometimes, doing normal stuff helps ground you.” She put her hands on her hips, smiling. “Now, I didn’t need help getting a towel, but if you could help me find something decent to put on, I would be eternally grateful.” Ryder had had a question for her, she was _sure_ of it. She furrowed her brow and crossed her arms over her chest.

This must have alarmed the Moshae. “Are you alright?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine, I just had a question for you. Or Evfra. Both of you?” She turned her head up, despite the lack of benefit. “I’m trying to remember what it was— _oh_.”

“I will gladly assist in picking something out for you, “A hand laid itself on Ryder’s shoulder, intent on guiding her back to her bedroom. Ryder allowed it. “As for your question, if I can answer it, I will.”

“Do you think you could teach me Shelesh? Or find someone too?” Ryder asked, and she felt the Moshae freeze. “I know, that right off the bat, that might seem like a weird request.” She tugged herself free of the Moshae and turned to face her. “But I have my reasons—”

She was cut off before she could continue. “—of course. I think it would be a wonderful way to share our culture with you,” Her voice was sincere, and Ryder trusted it without question. “I am sorry to have cut you off before you could explain. I would love to know your reasoning.”

“I thought you might,” Ryder revealed, sitting down on her bed and hearing the Moshae open her closet. “It mostly comes down to communication; I want to be able to communicate with the angara sincerely—at the moment, my stay on Aya has been ruled indefinite. Or so I’ve so been told. So, I’d love to be able to talk to the angaran people without needing my translator. I know they’re convenient, indispensable, blah, blah, blah.” She sat back on her bed, pressing her heels against the frame of it. “But technology can only get us so far. There's so much meaning lost, I feel.”

“You’re always full of surprises.” The Moshae murmured. “If you’d like, I could set you up with one of the linguists—they’re no doubt curious about your own language. Or, if you’d rather, Evfra mentioned you were interested in assisting our mothers with the children that are currently between homes—we could set you up with one of the teachers, in return for your help. I’m sure a trade of that nature would be more than welcome.”

If Ryder could have brightened further, she would have. “You’re serious? I mean, I don’t know how much help I’ll be, but I’d love to help with the kids. If I can.”

“They can always use more hands,” the Moshae assured. “Ah, I think I’ve found something worthy of wearing.” A set of hangers gently nudged at Ryder’s hand, and she took them. “Your under things are in the dresser, correct?”

“Yeah, but I can get those,” Ryder told her confidently, brain still high off the idea of _helping._ And not just anywhere, but with _kids._ Her mind was abuzz with activity—she briefly wondered when Evfra had shared the information, and _why,_ but she blocked it out. “Thanks for the help.”

“Always a delight, Sara,” Her voice was warm. Again, warmer than Ryder thought she deserved. “I will speak to the teachers and see what I can do—I will either inform Evfra or send someone to inform you of their decision.” There was no sound of the door opening, no footsteps. “Sara.”

Ryder made a noise of affirmation, showing she was listening.

“You may want to put your sleeping garments in your laundry basket,” She advised, and Ryder’s cheeks burned. Had she— “There's no need to be ashamed of such things, but judging by the colour of your cheeks, this isn't something you'd like Evfra to know of.”

“Yes, Moshae,” Ryder mumbled, shoving her face in her hands. She’d nearly forgotten. That answered one question: angara could definitely smell better than humans--whether it be lingering hormones or something more discreet that Ryder couldn't fathom—the angara could smell it. Or sense it. "...can...can you tell from out in the hall, or..." The door was opened and then shut before she could get an answer, and she pulled her face up from her own grasp. "Better get ready for the day, and hope to god that Evfra doesn't know I'm buttering my muffin in his guest bed." 

She reached over and snatched her underwear and pants, shoving them under the other dirty laundry. Once suitably buried, Ryder began to unhook the clothing from their hangers. She was half-tempted to dictate an angry email to her brother, and then one quietly requesting assistance to...to  _someone._ Ryder didn't have trouble with this sort of thing often—but masturbating to Evfra in her sleep, and then continuing to do so when she woke up was something that she didn't even know how to  _begin_ to handle.  Normally she'd ask SAM, but that wasn't possible at this point. Vetra came to mind first after SAM, and then Cora, and then...Lexi? Lexi was the medical professional. And the least likely to spread a rumour of her liking Evfra or consider intervening. 

But she'd have to wait until Evfra was out of the house, first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, and welcome to the end of the chapter! 
> 
> Song(s) for this chapter:  
> Liability by Lorde  
> Fred Astaire by Fat Damon  
> Glitter & Gold by Barns Courtney  
> The Devil's Train by The Lab Rats (Have you seen this ad on Facebook? If you have, please tell me in the comments below! Because I am so frustrated with it.)
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	11. Saint-Saëns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I am super nervous about this chapter ahsdkjsal
> 
> So, I don't want pity or anything (haha) but this chapter was so hard to get done. Not because I wasn't motivated (I wasn't). But because the universe had it out for it. 
> 
> Feel free to skip this straight to the chapter, if you want. But if you want to know why this chapter took a week to write, keep reading. And please, if you enjoy, let me know in the comments below! 
> 
> It started simple enough; I hand outline all fics, and each chapter individually. Upon going to write this, I opened my notebook to the chapter I was writing. And I found, that the entire second page of the outline had water-damage to the point where it was unreadable. No other page in my notebook was touched. Just the second page of the outline for this chapter. 
> 
> Once I got that sorted out, I went to write, and was about...halfway through the chapter (and this all happened last Sunday, I'm not kidding), my writing program of choice...died. It wouldn't load for an hour, and then when it finally did, it had eaten every word I'd written. All 2k. All gone. Consumed by the void. So I moved onto Google Docs, which worked fine for a couple hours--until my stomach started feeling...off. And so for the next two days (Monday and Tuesday) I was stuck in the bathroom throwing up, or in bed with a migraine. 
> 
> Wednesday I felt better, but worked late. Thursday I had a family obligation, and Friday, I had a full schedule as well, including 8 hours trying to figure out how to create a character for PTU.
> 
> But, against all the odds, I offer you this fic. If you took the time to read this, thank you! I appreciate it. Now, continue to the story below.

 

“Good morning,” Evfra greeted; Ryder’s lips curled up into a shy smile and she instantly lost her cool. Apparently, something in her expression looked suspicious, because an unsettled grunt left Evfra. “If you’ve anything devious planned for today, I’d ask that you reconsider.” 

“Devious? You have no faith in me,” Ryder argued, tapping her way to the kitchen. “I don’t have a mischief making bone in me.” Upon reaching her chair, she quietly tugged it out and sat down, making a number of unnecessary noises as she got comfortable. 

There was a light touch on her shoulder and she startled, but didn’t jump. She  _ really  _ had to get used to people randomly touching her to get her attention, because it didn’t look— _ seem  _ like it was going to stop any time soon. 

“Would you like some coffee?” Mohni asked, sounding incredibly close to her ear. “It’s rather early.” 

Ryder shook her head, interlocking her fingers in front of her on the table. “I’m plenty awake, believe me.” Ryder tucked a piece of messy, still-wet hair behind her ear. “And I think I should cut the caffeine, you know? Let my body return to its natural rhythm.” 

“Does that mean I have a less energetic house guest to look forward to, in the future?” Evfra asked, steps quiet as he crossed the empty space between him and Ryder; he set his cup down in front of her, and she cocked her head at the soft clang it made. “I’ve been instructed by Dr. T’Perro to examine your eyes on a daily basis, as long as you’re comfortable with it.”

“Less energetic? You’re under the assumption that all this,” Ryder gestured at her body. “Needs caffeine. I run on pure adrenaline baby.” She folded her arms in front of her and offered Evfra her brightest smile. “But yeah, I’m comfy with it. Whatever helps—do you need me to turn to you or—” 

Fingers, warm and thick, tapped at her jaw, and then gripped it. Ryder’s voice died in her throat as her face was turned toward Evfra and tilted upward for his inspection. She swallowed dryly, feeling her tongue stick to the roof of her mouth; her nerves, which had calmed since entering the kitchen, fired up at the gentle touch. 

“Nothing seems amiss,” Evfra muttered, thumb ghosting over Ryder’s cheek. 

“What are you looking for?” Ryder managed to sound calm, despite the lump in her throat. “Anything in particular?” 

Evfra let out an indiscernible hum. “Dr. T’Perro wants me to check your eyes daily to make sure they’ve not become glassy, and aren’t beginning to fog over.” Ryder shuddered when she felt one of his nails accidently scratch her cheek. “Are you cold?” 

“A little,” Ryder lied, bringing her arms up and sticking her hands in her armpits to sell the bit. “I think it’s because of the shower, to be honest.” Evfra’s hand pulled away from her, and she resisted the urge to follow it. Evfra made some sort of noncommittal noise as he stepped back, and Ryder noted that he didn’t take his coffee with him. 

“Your eyes look fine,” He gruffed. “I need to be off. Make sure you don’t catch a cold.” 

Ryder cocked an eyebrow. It was  _ far  _ too early for Evfra to be going into work. “Something special going on today?” Evfra didn’t answer, so she turned back toward the noise in the kitchen. “Ignoring me isn’t going to make me less curious.” 

“Here’s a blanket for you,” Mohni suddenly interrupted, getting her to jump once again; she had been so focused on Evfra, she hadn’t noticed her. The blanket was thick and heavy, instantly making her too comfortable to move. “Breakfast might be awhile—it’s still fairly early.” 

“Is he not going to answer me?” Ryder asked, pointing toward the door, just in time to hear it open, and then shut. Ryder twisted to face the entryway. “That’s a negative, ghost rider,” She muttered, settling back in her chair. “So, uh. Is he in a bad mood today?”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s it,” Dhansa answered from the kitchen. Pots and pans clinked almost musically together. “But it’s better not to linger on it. Evfra was talking about some game of yours that the two of you played yesterday? Would you mind showing us how to play?”   
Ryder did her best not to frown. “Yeah, sure. Maybe we could get some sort of league going, if we get enough people who know how to play.” 

 

After breakfast, Ryder was determined to call Lexi. 

“Hey, not that I don’t love you guys, and trust you with my life,” She began, rising from her seat. “But I...I need to call Lexi. And I need some privacy when I do it.” 

There was a single beat of silence, and then Dhansa spoke. “Of course,” She replied, though it was slow enough to be considered concerned. “Just know that we are here, if you need anything.” 

Ryder nodded and grabbed her cane; Mohni was at her side in seconds, offering her arm to help guide Ryder to her bedroom. She frowned, but took it. The behaviour was odd for the angara. They normally trusted her to get to her room fine. 

At the door to the bedroom, Mohni pet her arm and reminder her once again, that if she needed anything, they’d be right in the kitchen.

Once inside, Ryder took a second to blindly dig for her omni-tool. It was a tad dusty from being tucked away for so long, but beeped to life when Ryder pressed the power button. Whilst it booted up, Ryder slipped into the bathroom, wanting to be as far away from the doorway as possible; she really didn’t want to be overheard. 

“Sara?” Lexi’s voice was curious, but welcoming. 

“Hey Lexi,” Ryder muttered quietly, curling her legs close to her chest. “I uh, are you alone? And if you are, do you have some time to spare?” She listened as a clipboard clacked against something or another. 

“I always have time for you, Sara,” Lexi told her warmly. “And I am alone, yes. What can I help you with today?” 

Ryder coughed and brought a hand up to rub at the back of her neck, thinking of how to approach the subject. “I...uh... _ well, _ ” She cleared her throat. “Okay, so last night, I...last night I had a dream. About Evfra. And I need some advice.” 

“What sort of dream?” Lexi questioned. “I will give you what advice I can.” 

“A wet dream,” Ryder whispered, flicking her eyes up to the door. She then rolled her eyes at the now-useless habit. “And I kind of...masturbated to it? Once I woke up.” She pressed her face back against her knees. “I...I don’t know what to do. Or how to deal with this.” Her eyes slid closed. “And I don’t have anyone else to tell about it.” 

“Sara, wet dreams and masturbation are completely normal,” Lexi soothed. “I know you must be feeling guilty—I can hear it in your voice. But there’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done. You are attracted to angara. And Evfra has taken on the role of protector and provider for you, in a time where you greatly need both—”

Ryder cut her off. “Protector? What’s he protecting me from?”

Feathers ruffled, Lexi sighed. “You know what I mean, Sara. You aren’t dense. He’s protective of you, and that’s why you gravitate toward him. And that’s alright too—being attracted to Evfra because he is kind to you is perfectly acceptable,” Lexi paused, and her next words were carefully chosen. “I’d even go as far as to say, if you’re comfortable with it, you should tell him about your budding feelings.” 

The disbelief hit Ryder first, and it was followed by understanding, and then rage. 

“Tell Scott, that the next time I see him, I’m going to shoot his dick off.” 

“ _ Sara,  _ no.”

“When in the  _ hell  _ did he decide he can just run off at the mouth to anyone he feels—better yet, tell Drack to tell him. That’ll get the message across,” Ryder’s fingers curled into fists. She couldn’t believe that her brother would go as low as to tell Lexi about her... _ crush?  _ On Evfra. Was it a crush? Her cheeks heated at the thought, stoking her anger higher. 

Lexi’s voice cut through her rage. “—Scott didn’t tell me. Sara,  _ calm  _ yourself. Your brother hasn’t told me anything.”

“Then who  _ did _ ?” Ryder asked, her voice levelling to a deadly calm, like the eye of a hurricane. Lexi didn’t reply at first, and it had Ryder lurching upward, bouncing away from the wall and to her feet. She began to pace, trying to burn off some of the frantic energy rushing through her veins.

“Calm down, Sara.” The order had her halting in her steps in the middle of the bathroom. “We aren’t due back on Aya for another two weeks, at the least. And there’s no need to work yourself up over this—I’m not going to use this against you, and I certainly don’t intend to tell anyone.” 

“Well, someone told  _ you, _ ” Ryder insisted, words rushing out and hanging on the end of Lexi’s sentence. “That means they could tell someone else. And that someone else could be  _ Evfra.  _ And then if Evfra knows, he might ask me about it—and I don’t even know how I’d respond if he asked me about it, because I’m not even sure how I feel.” The last bit of her tangent had her volume spiking, near-loud enough to echo off the walls. “I don’t know how I feel, okay? And any chance of Evfra finding out anything, is a risk.” 

Ryder swallowed, and then nodded to herself. “So if you have any advice on how I could stop my brain from coming up with weird, sexual dreams about my host, then that would be greatly appreciated. That’s why I called.”

“That’s not something you nor I can help,” Lexi said; her voice was more than a little chiding. “Not snacking before bed might prevent your dreams from becoming vivid, however, so they may be easier to pull yourself out from before they go too far.” 

“You’re assuming I snack before bed.” Guilt was washing over Ryder now, and she stood useless and swaying in the middle of the bathroom. “I’m sorry for yelling.” 

“I’ve known you for too long to expect any different,” Lexi replied dryly. “Rest assured, I’ll make sure that my source knows not to spread rumours. And you’re forgiven, Sara. Go relax. Take a nap. Don’t think too hard about this whole thing—if you aren’t interested in Evfra, then you aren’t. The human brain is a complicated organ. The dreams are most likely a product of stress—speaking of, if you aren’t going to masturbate to your dreams, I suggest masturbating to something else—”

“—and I’m going to have to let you go, cause this is getting too weird,” Ryder told her, shaking her head. “Thanks Lexi. Have a good...uh, day, night, whatever time it is, where you are.” 

Lexi chuckled, soft and almost cheerful. “You too, Sara.”

 

Ryder intended to wander back into the kitchen, but decided to take a second to rest on her bed and stare blankly at the blurred wall opposite her. She knew that Mohni and Dhansa were waiting for her—and judging by the way they were acting, no doubt anxiously—but she just needed some time to sit and think. Mostly about what rat told Lexi about her crush. The only possibility beside her brother was  _ SAM,  _ but his privacy mode had been engaged. Or, Ryder  _ thought  _ it’d been engaged. 

She crossed her arms over her chest and furrowed her brow. What could SAM possibly get from telling Lexi about a conversation that she and Scott had? It wasn’t like he could experience anything through her, anymore. Ryder would have liked to believe that they’d bonded to the point where he wouldn’t spill her secrets to anyone who asked anyway, but he was still an AI—and one currently playing guest to Scott’s unconscious and not hers. Anything was possible.

“Or,” She muttered out loud, curling a finger underneath her collar and loosely tugging at it. There really was no  _ or.  _ It didn’t make sense for anyone else to know. Some people might infer her feelings, like Jaal or Drack—but she couldn’t see either ratting her out due to an assumption. 

She flopped back on the bed, blowing a raspberry as she did so. Ryder stretched her arms on either side of her, trying to reach either end of the bed with her fingertips. Searching through her thoughts, she desperately tried to find some sort of something to distract her. But her mind kept circling back to thoughts of Evfra, remnants of the dream, and her impending blindness. All topics that she’d rather avoid. 

A soft knock sometime later had her jerking up into a sitting position, mind foggy like she’d just woken from a nap. 

“Sara, are you alright?”  _ Dhansa. _

“Yeah?” Ryder replied, raising a hand and running it through her hair. She went to grab at her cane, and found it missing. “Can you help me find my cane? It’s not where I left it. I think.” She searched the side of the bed again, frowning. 

The door slid open with the soft sound of whirring motors, and footsteps followed. A hand carefully laid itself on her shoulder. The familiar scent she’d come to associate with the angara washed over her, and she let out a peaceful, pleasant sigh. That was, until fingers wrapped around one of her hands and tugged it away from where it was resting on her thigh. It was then flipped over. 

“What’s up?” Ryder asked, though she didn’t tug her hand away. “What are you checking for?”

Dhansa dropped her hand like it’d burned her. “Oh, sorry. Nothing, just,” She fumbled with her words, obviously searching for some sort of cover story. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t presume that you’re…”

“I’m what?” Ryder asked, honestly confused. “What time is it?” 

“Ah, a bit past lunch,” Dhansa responded, taking Ryder’s question as an out. Her voice got farther away for a second. “Evfra is home from work, actually. He’s dismissed Mohni and I for the day. I just wanted to check on you before we left.” 

Ryder frowned. “Aw, dunk. He’s off pretty early, isn’t he?” She went to stand, using the bed as support. “I must’ve fallen asleep, I’m sorry.” She stretched upward, and then let her arms fall back down to her sides. 

“Here it is,” Dhansa muttered, and Ryder heard her rustle through some stuff to her left. “It fell down beside your laundry basket.” 

Heart stuttering in her chest, Ryder choked on the question that tried to push up and out of her throat. “Hey, uh, Dhansa? Can you answer a question about angaran biology for me?”

Dhansa nudged her fingers with the cold metal of the cane, and she wrapped them around it. “I can try my best,” She replied. “What would you like to know?” 

“Um, well, don’t take this weird. I just...how well can angara smell? I know it’s better than a human.” Ryder raised her free hand to rub at the back of her neck, wishing she didn’t sound so suspicous. 

“Fairly well; I am unsure of the exact amount, but twice as well as a human might,” Dhansa said. She tugged at Ryder’s shirt, no doubt trying to rid it of wrinkles. “And you do not sense...emotion, in the way that we do.” 

A nod affirmed that she knew that much, so Dhansa continued. “Part of the way we sense emotion is through scent.” 

“Is it only for powerful emotions, or is it across the board?” Ryder asked. Dhansa was guiding her out of the bedroom. Dhansa let out a soft hum that didn’t make Ryder confident that her secret was between her and the Moshae. “Oh, I don’t like that noise Dhansa.” 

“It really depends. The closer we are to someone, the more subtle of emotions we start to pick up.” There was something in her statement that had Ryder letting out a worried grunt. “Is something worrying you?” 

The question almost got an honest answer; Ryder stopped herself from revealing her true concerns, pressing her lips together into a tight, thin line. “Always, Dhansa. I’m always worried.” She grunted as her cane met the tile of the kitchen. “Hey Evfra,” She greeted, assuming he was somewhere nearby.

“Hello.” 

Ryder wanted to flinch at how cold his voice was. It was like stepping into a blizzard. But no matter how hard he’d tried to hide it, Ryder could hear pain laced through his voice. She went quiet, gripping her cane between her fingers as Mohni and Dhansa bid her farewell, mentioning something about lunch being in the fridge. Mohni even pressed a kiss to her forehead before she left, whispering something that her translator didn’t pick up.

She leaned against the kitchen counter for an uncomfortable second or so, not knowing where Evfra was in relation to her. “So, uh,” She cleared her throat. “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

“Talk about what?” Evfra growled out from somewhere to her left. 

Ryder shrugged. “About whatever’s got you all riled up. Bad day? Had to be a bad day, if  _ you  _ came home early.” She pushed off the counter and went toward the kitchen table, with the intent to sit down—instead, she ran face first into Evfra, nearly headbutting him. He grabbed at her arms to steady her.

His hands vibrated with tension where they touched her, and she tilted her head up toward his. “What’s going on, Evfra?” She questioned, turning her hands so she could grab his forearms in exchange. He let out an uncertain grunt, but didn’t pull his hands away. “Hey.” 

“I’d rather not stress you out further.” Evfra moved his hands to rest them on her shoulders. 

Ryder hushed him, a desire to comfort him igniting in her belly. “An old friend of mine once told me that worry, stress, negative emotions, they’re like bricks. And when we share them with other people, it’s like we’re handing those bricks off to another person,” She smiled, trying to make it as comforting as possible. “But what a brick is to you, could be a feather to someone else. Light. Easy to carry. And more often than not, happily carried.” She squeezed his arms and listened as he sighed. 

There was a heartbeat of silence, where Ryder swore she could feel his breath across her cheeks. She passed it off as her imagination, because,  _ ha,  _ why would Evfra have leaned in so close?

“We lost good men today,” Evfra muttered, letting his hands fall from her shoulders. Ryder nodded, standing stock-still. “A trap, left by the kett—an entire patrol stumbled blindly into it, thinking the area safe. ” 

A soft noise of understanding left Ryder. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s been so long since we’ve lost anyone.” 

Ryder made a noise of affirmation, lowering her head. “It always hurts.” She leaned back against the counter, going to wring the top of her cane between her hands. After a moment she pulled one away and offered it out blindly. Thick fingers slowly slid into hers, and she gave them a soft squeeze. “But I’m here. You know. Whenever you need me. For whatever you need.” 

Ryder cleared her throat. “Whatever I can do for you, anyway. I mean, it’s the very least I can offer, since we’re friends,” Her voice caught on the word  _ friends _ , but she pushed through it. “And you’re currently putting up with my shit,” She rolled her lips between her teeth, trying not to smile at the fact that Evfra was still holding her hand. “So, did they send everyone home, or—”

“—I was wondering if you might ask.” 

_ And there goes the hand.  _ Ryder mourned as Evfra collected himself.  _ Jinxed it. Jinxed it by thinking about it. Damn it. _

She continued on her short path to the kitchen table and took her favourite seat, settling against the wood nicely and focusing her attention on the kitchen itself. The door to the fridge opened and then closed. 

“As leader of the Resistance, it is my duty to inform the next of kin of their relatives death. During the war, with the kett, there was no time for mourning—but we are emotional creatures. And before, when our dead were not so numerous, this passing of information was...intimate. Personal. The one to deliver the news would take time to mourn with the families over what they’ve lost. Whether it be a child, a sibling, a parent.” A plate and glass could be heard as they were set in front of Ryder, no doubt the aforementioned lunch. “Now that the war is no longer hanging about our heads, we’ve gone back to the practice.” 

“I bet it’s emotionally….heavy,” Ryder said, stretching her bare toes against the stone tiles. “So after you made the calls, they...sent you home. I can see it.” She folded her hands in front of her. “I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t make it better, but I am. I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s appreciated,” Evfra muttered. “Eat your lunch.” 

Ryder rolled her eyes. She propped her chin in her hand, adopting a playful expression. “You know, by anything, I meant  _ anything.  _ So if you ever just want to cuddle or something, I am all up for it. I know angaran’s are all about physical comfort.” Her heart fluttered at her own suggestion. 

“Sara, eat your  _ lunch, _ ” The agitation in his voice was so familiar, it had her laughing. “Ah, and how hilarious you find yourself.” 

“Laughter is the best medicine for sorrow,” Ryder told him. “Or so my mom always said. You should try it sometime. And like, cuddling is the second best medicine—and  _ that  _ good sir, is from personal experience.” She set her hand down, searching for silverware. “What is lunch, by the way?” 

“Looks like sandwiches. I’m sure you can manage,” Evfra told her, and she heard him set his plate opposite hers. He paused for a second, just long enough for his voice to soften “I am here to help, if need be.” 

Ryder snorted. “Look at you, sent home to rest and you still have to take care of me.” 

“I don’t have to take care of  _ anyone.  _ You’re fairly capable of taking care of yourself,” He told her, tone bordering on snappish. “And you are no burden—never think of yourself as such.” 

_ Liar,  _ Ryder had wanted to whisper.  _ Liar, liar, pants on relative fire.  _ She searched the edge of the plate with her fingers, and then walked them in until they hit bread.

“So, uh. You won’t  _ believe  _ the dream I had last night,” Ryder began slowly, going to pick up her lunch. “It was  _ crazy. _ ”

“I will suspend my disbelief until after you tell me,” Evfra responded. “Until then, my judgement is that, yes, I will—frankly, anything is possible when it comes to you.” He then coughed, small and quiet, yet barely muffled. Intentional. “And, whether or not the offer was a joke, I’ve no interest in...any sort of physical comfort. From you.” 

“I see how it is,” Ryder was pouting now, she could feel it. It wasn’t even a  _ fake  _ pout. “Well, good luck finding a cuddle-buddy near as accessible and comfortable as me. Because you  _ won’t.  _ I literally have hours to lay around the house to turn into a literal blob. Just become one big, squishy shape. A cylinder of pure, human pillow.” 

This got a short, barked laugh—not ingenuine in the  _ least _ —from Evfra. “You are the oddest creature I’ve ever met. If you’re so interested in becoming someone’s  _ pillow _ , why not invite Mohni or Dhansa to join you? It’s not uncommon for angara to platonically rest together, and they're fond enough of you to oblige. You could even invite  _ Jaal,  _ if you’ve the forethought.” 

The way that Evfra said Jaal’s name had Ryder straightening. “I mean, I guess I could, with Mohni and Dhansa,” She began slowly. “But I think that’d send the wrong message to my brother, if I invited Jaal. I’m not into starting a war with the only family I’ve got left. No sir.” She squeezed her sandwich at the half-truth, lips turning down into a frown. “And I don’t want to encroach on your territory either.” 

“I do not have romantic feelings for Jaal,” Evfra reiterated, as if she hadn’t heard him the day before. 

“And I have twenty-twenty vision.” Ryder finally took a bite of her sandwich, humming in delight as she did. The one thing that she didn’t regret about becoming blind was the access to so much good food. “But, let’s not talk about romance, or love, or cuddling. Let’s talk about, oh, I don’t know. Tell me more about angaran culture.” 

“What about it?” Evfra asked, sounding happy to move to a different topic altogether. 

“Anything, really,” She responded. “I’ve wanted to know so much for so long now, I’m up to learn anything you’ll teach me.” She took another bite of her sandwich, partially wiggling in her seat. “That’s the greatest thing about being blind, you know. I can...I can take the time to sit down and learn again. And I am so honoured to be here, with the angara—and I am so lucky to be housed on Aya. It’s exciting.” 

“I can only imagine.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Welcome to the end of the chapter.
> 
> Song for this fic:  
> Introduction et rondo capriccioso, Op. 28 by Camille Saint-Saëns, Josef Hala, Jitka Novakova, Prague Symphony Orchestra & Jiří Bělohlávek
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	12. Platonic?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! If you reach the end of this chapter and have decided you liked it, please consider leaving a comment below! Hearing from all of you means the world to me <3

 

The passing of time was getting old, fast. Another two weeks passed like an age, except  _ now _ she was overthinking things between her and Evfra. Every touch, every conversation—she found herself waking up several mornings, fingers back between her thighs and an image of Evfra burned into her brain. It was  _ maddening.  _ Not to mention embarrassing. At least Evfra didn’t seem to notice. Or he was polite enough to ignore it for the time being. 

But today,  _ today  _ Ryder had a distraction that she was sure would keep her mind off  Evfra. Kesh and Vorn were bringing her godchildren over, six squabbling babies if what Drack had proudly told her was true. She allowed a blanket of melancholy to cover her, but only briefly—even if she couldn’t see them, she could certainly appreciate them. 

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Ryder asked; it felt like the hundredth time she’d asked the question. Her voice bordered on anxious.  _ Or maybe the anxiety is already there,  _ she mused, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.  _ And I just can’t tell.  _ She turned her head toward the door, and then back at where she roughly assumed Evfra to be. If he was annoyed by her constant questions, he didn’t show it. 

“Yes,” he replied. The thud of his knife didn’t halt for a second; he was in the midst of preparing lunch for the visit. Where Ryder would have been full of chaotic, restless energy, Evfra was calm. He moved from one task to the other, methodical in everything he did. And Ryder found it unrealistically attractive, just enough to keep her moderately quiet throughout the process. 

Ryder folded her arms against the table, and then propped her chin atop them. “Can I help?” She asked, knowing that it was unlikely. The sound of Evfra’s knife stopped. Ryder could practically hear the gears turning in his head. 

“There are several fruits in the sink that need to be washed,” Evfra replied. He returned to chopping. “If you can rinse them, that would be appreciated.” 

A smile unfurled across Ryder’s face, and she reached for her cane. Once it was safely in her hand—once she was safe—she made her way to the kitchen. Ryder tapped her way across the floor, poking at Evfra’s foot as she went. He nudged her cane away with a gentle hum. 

“None of these are going to poke me, are they?” Ryder asked. Cane set aside, she turned the sink on at let the water run for a second. She dipped her fingers beneath the stream, shuddering at the cold. 

“They shouldn’t,” Evfra replied easily; the hum was still there from earlier, making his words uncharacteristically smooth. “The market was quiet this morning.” 

“Was it?” She asked, dipping her hands into the sink and pulling up the first fruit. It was bumpy under her fingers. She tried not to squint but took a minute to marvel at the vibrant burst of blurred yellow she’d picked up. “How early did you head out?” 

Evfra clicked his tongue. “About an hour before you awoke.” Ryder could hear the smile in his voice when he spoke next. “A gaggle of children were out, with their mothers—they looked incredibly sleepy to be out so early, though I have a feeling it was for the best.”

“For the best?” Ryder asked, setting the fruit in her hands aside to go for the next one. Evfra was quiet at the question. Ryder resisted the urge to clear her throat, staying silent. If he wanted to say something, he would. 

“The…sunrise is beautiful this time of year, on Aya,” He finally answered. “It’s worth a bit of crankiness for them to see it. It is often used as a lesson. It teaches them about beauty and builds a foundation for future appreciation of it.” 

“That’s a pretty important lesson. Beauty is fleeting, after all. You have to learn to appreciate it in the moment,” She reached around in the sink, searching for another fruit—they slipped away from her fingers and she let out an irritated huff. Evfra let out a soft snort from his place at the right counter.

“Here, they can get slippery. Sometimes more hands are better.” 

Ryder froze as Evfra came up behind her; his hands slipped beneath hers, possibly to help corner the fruit—but her attention had shifted to the heat of his chest against her back. She ducked her head down as her cheeks burned and tried to focus on finding the fruit with her fingers. Her system was suddenly flush with a concoction of uncertainty and...an emotion that she couldn’t place. Regardless, they weren’t feelings she wanted, not right now. 

“Something wrong?” Evfra asked. He sounded genuinely concerned, so Ryder shook her head. 

“No, no,” Ryder assured, gripping the fruit firmly now. Evfra’s fingers danced up her wrists to cup her hands, holding them still. “I’m just excited. I really see Drack and Kesh and Vorn as, well,  _ family _ —and it’s such an honour to be able to share this part of their lives with them. Being a part of these children’s lives is going to be an incredible experience, and I honestly can’t wait.” 

“Your passion for family is extraordinary,” Evfra said, tilting her hands so that water could wash across the fruit. “And admirable. The mothers have gained a wonderful volunteer in you,” His hips swayed forward, just slightly. Ryder’s breath hitched where his hips grazed hers, and his fingers slid down to brush her wrists. And then he was stepping back, taking the warmth that had been against her back with him. 

Ryder took a deep breath. She tried to ground herself, to beat back the anxiety and arousal that had bubbled up into her belly and throat. “I mean, I don’t know if wonderful is the right word. Maybe eager,” She choked out, setting the fruit aside. Evfra had noticed. She knew he’d noticed, it was impossible not to. “Eager to help, and all. And it’s cool that they’re willing to teach me Shelesh too—I was worried it might be too weird of a request.” 

“In all my days, I’ve never thought that taking an interest in another’s culture was weird,” Evfra murmured; Ryder couldn’t tell what he was doing by auditory clues, but she was sure it was something important. 

Silence briefly held the room hostage. Ryder turned the water off and wiped her hands dry on her pants. She waited for a second in the quiet, wondering if Evfra might have something else for her to do. 

Before she could speak, Evfra was. “I realise that what I said the other week might not have been the kindest—I suppose I took what you said as a joke, and not a serious request.” 

Ryder shut her mouth, which had been half open to speak her question. She cocked her head to the side, frozen where she was. Evfra cleared his throat and then spoke again.

“Physical comfort is a large part of healing,” Evfra reasoned out loud. Ryder made an affirmative noise of some sort; her lips were pressed tight together as she expected the worst. “And I am sorry for not taking your request seriously before: but if you’ve still a desire for...cuddling, I am fully ready to make myself available.” 

The words were stiff and slightly rushed, but that didn’t stop Ryder’s heart from trying to leap out of her chest. “Did…does that mean you’re okay with cuddling? Like, platonically. You’re not wanting me to just go off and curl up with Mohni or Dhansa?”

“If you prefer one of them—”

“—no, no, that’s…yeah, I just. I thought that cuddling was off the table and I felt weird for bringing it up in the first place,” Ryder explained, fidgeting with her hands. She wanted to say yes, of course she wanted to cuddle with him—he had plenty of prime real estate in his lap that she’d love to monopolise. 

“Just because I don’t desire comfort, doesn’t mean I should be blind to your desire for it,” He answered. His voice was turned from her, as he was no doubt back on task. “We’ve a few hours before our guests come—did you leave your shawl in the living room?” 

It wasn’t really a  _ question.  _ Evfra knew she’d left it in the living room. She grumbled something out and grabbed her cane, wishing she could see where he was to better aim her glare. “Yeah, I’ll go get it and put it up. I can’t believe you’re so rude to a blind person.” She muttered, heading toward the living room.

Evfra caught her halfway there, stopping her with a hand around her upper arm. Ryder paused to look in his direction. “Yeah?”

“Was that a yes?” He asked. Ryder thought she heard hope in his voice, and then wrote it off as her imagination.

Ryder looked down at her feet and nodded nervously. “I’d like to, if you’re really okay with it,” She was fidgeting with her cane now; Evfra let her arm go, though she could still feel his fingers burning her skin through her shirt. “I’m…going to go get that shawl now. Heaven forbid I forget it.” 

“Take your sarcasm with you,” Evfra replied, voice suddenly as dry as the desert. Ryder stuck her tongue out at him before moving into the living room.

The shawl had been a gift from Dhansa. Her reason for it had been that the weather was getting colder, and that humans were far more sensitive to cold than angara were; a shawl was a good investment. Ryder had accepted it with wholehearted thanks, promising to wear it.  And she  _ did.  _ Constantly. She was a sucker for handmade gifts.

“Found you,” Ryder murmured to herself after a moment of searching the back of the couch. She slung it over her shoulders, feeling a tad bit like a little old lady as she did so. Half of her brain was desperately trying to wander off and fantasise about cuddling up next to Evfra. The other half was trying just as desperately to stop  _ exactly  _ that. 

 

Six babies. Six baby krogan, each one bumpy and lumpy with curious fingers and the odd desire to headbutt her. Six new lives—and each one of them, Ryder decided, were the most important things in her life. Drack had even convinced Evfra to hold one of the children (not that it was hard.) It was the first time that she’d really been around Evfra whilst he was interacting with a baby, and she didn’t regret it for a moment. 

Every bit of his harshness melted away. Ryder swore she heard him coo, even. She’d been partially busy with fingers trying to jab into her jaw, but she could  _ feel  _ the calmness radiating from him. It was almost life-changing. Almost. 

“Hey, you want to adopt a kid?” Ryder asked; she was laying out on the living room floor, wedged between the couch and the coffee table. Evfra was in the kitchen, though she was sure he could hear her. When he didn’t respond, she wiggled until she was on her stomach. “I hope they weren’t too overwhelming.” 

“They were fine,” Evfra told her, closer than she thought. “Why are you on the floor?” 

Ryder shrugged. “I was feeling hot. It’s cooler down here.” She stretched her arms out in front of her. “I’m kind of cold now, but I don’t want to get up. Not enough incentive.” 

“Incentive would be not laying on the floor,” Evfra pointed out. Ryder perked up as she heard the sound of a cup being sat on the table. “And not being stepped on.” 

“Who’s going to step on me?” Ryder asked, knowing the answer. A foot nudged her back. She let out a squeak and crawled forward, faux offended. “You wouldn’t.” 

“I would,” He told her confidently. “Get up. I brought you some tea.” Evfra lightly kicked at her leg.

She let out a displeased groan but got up off the floor. It wasn’t incredibly comfortable, so she had to take a moment to work the kinks out of her back before taking a seat on the couch. Ryder’s brain demanded she snuggle up against Evfra now that she’d gotten the go ahead. She refused to give in to it. 

“Thanks.” 

“I felt like you needed something to help you calm down,” Evfra told her, and the couch shifted with his weight. “You won’t sleep this evening at this rate.” Another shift—Ryder felt he was nervous. But about  _ what _ ? Was it the cuddling thing? She wasn’t going to jump his bones. 

Ryder tried to shrug it off. “I never sleep anyway,” She told him, settling back against the couch. She closed her eyes, letting her palms warm with the heat of the tea. “Do you mind if I…uh…” She dragged one of her feet against the floor nervously.

“Not at all,” Evfra replied; there was something warm in his voice that gave Ryder the confidence to scoot closer. 

_ I’m going to do this,  _ Ryder assured herself, pressing her leg against Evfra’s.  _ And it’s all going to work out fine. Just fine.  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! You made it!
> 
> Song(s) for this chapter:  
> Half of my Heart by John Mayer  
> Right Where I Should Be by Us The Duo
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	13. Stuck on Repeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :( It's been a rough month. It'll probably be rough going forward too, but. That's life for you. 
> 
> Anyway, you're not here to here about me being sad. I have a blog for that! You're here for the chapter. If you enjoy this chapter, I'd love to hear from you in the comments below. I made this chapter especially fun for all of you ;)

 

Ryder slowly leaned into Evfra, pressing her cheek in the space where his mantle met the prominent ridges of his chest. He shifted and loped an arm over her side, tugging her closer and getting her breath to hitch. She swallowed any other embarrassing noises that threatened to escape her and closed her eyes. Evfra’s fingers were hovering scant inches from her stomach, brushing the side of it with every breath she took.

“You’re very warm,” She murmured. She could hear his heartbeat, steady and even. It was nice to know that _one_ of them was calm and collected. Ryder nuzzled against him—she bumped one of the thick ridges on his chest, and he grunted and shifted in return.

She apologised immediately. “I’m sorry, are you—”

The hand on her side rose to cup the back of her head, silencing her. “You’re fine,” Evfra murmured. He let his hand fall back to her side. “You seem tense. Is this too uncomfortable for you?”

“Oh, no, no, definitely not,” Ryder quickly corrected. “I am…I am so on board with this, I can’t even explain.” She wrapped an arm around Evfra’s waist and her cheeks burned. She took a deep breath and willed herself to relax and not ruin the moment. Evfra was _here._ And that’s what she needed to focus her attention on.

Ryder buried her nose in his rofjinn, finding it unbearably soft; she then wondered why he was letting her. She almost voiced her question, but forcibly beat it back down, letting only a content sigh escape her. It didn’t matter _why._ It smelled good and, accompanied with the steady rise and fall of Evfra’s chest, reminded her of the poor sleep she’d been getting lately. Her jaw popped as she yawned, trying not to get cloth in her mouth as she did so.

“Don’t drool on it,” Evfra warned in a rough grumble. Ryder snorted but didn’t speak. “Tired?”

“Very,” Ryder murmured sleepily in return. “Haven’t been sleeping well, but I’m sure you know that. You like to spy.” She smiled against his chest.

“Not on you,” Evfra replied, not the least bit upset at the accusation. “It’s hard to miss the dark circles under your eyes. That in of itself tells me everything I need to know.”

Ryder pulled her legs up underneath her, pressing her face further into Evfra’s chest and taking a deep breath. His scent was calming, slowly allowing all the tension to melt from her body. Ryder slumped against Evfra, hoping he didn’t mind. He was just so _comfy._

“You would make a great boyfriend,” Ryder told him. “Or husband or whatever. You’re the perfect size, shape, and temperature for cuddling up to.”

“Or sleeping on, in this case,” Evfra mumbled in response. He cleared his throat quietly. “You can sleep if you’d like. I’ve no reason to leave my seat.”

Falling asleep had certainly crossed her mind—but she felt that would be wasting precious time. She couldn’t imagine this being a _regular_ thing, once Evfra was sure she had her feet under her again. Ryder sighed against him and toyed with the side of his shirt.  

“Sleeping with, too,” Ryder mumbled mindlessly. She caught herself almost immediately cheeks darkening. To his credit, Evfra didn’t laugh at her. “ _On._ On, good for sleeping on.” She let out another sigh. “You’re a real catch, Evfra. Never forget that—and don’t forget to tell your future spouse that we have to share. Now that I’ve gotten a taste, I’m addicted.”

“It’s been less than a minute.”

“Don’t care,” Ryder replied. She was so _tired._ “Don’t care at all,” Her voice trailed off, turning into a slurred, jumbled mess. “Might drool a bit.”

“Do _not_ drool on me,” Evfra warned again. “I mean it, Sara.” Ryder giggled. She mumbled something at him before dozing off into a light sleep.

When Ryder woke, it was to a soft, familiar beeping. She didn’t open her eyes, not just yet—Evfra had hauled her half onto his lap and had his chin balanced on the top of her head. Evfra let out a low, unhappy sigh and the couch shifted underneath them as he was roused from what Ryder assumed was sleep.

The crackle of Evfra’s radio had him hissing angrily; it was turned down until it was barely a whisper, and the Moshae’s voice spilled out from the speakers. Evfra’s hand went to press over her unguarded ear.

“Sorry to be calling so late,” She greeted. Ryder shrugged off Evfra’s hand and let out a soft noise, not quite words. Evfra’s hand went to hair instead, stroking it gently, as if trying to soothe her. “I’ve some important information—” She paused, and Ryder could almost hear her brow furrow. “—is someone there with you?”

“Yes,” Evfra answered. His words sounded stilted and almost guilty. “Sara has…well, she’s fallen asleep on me.” His fingers tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “She hasn’t been sleeping well, and I’d rather not wake her.”

The Moshae was smug, when she spoke next. “l see. And how did you come by this arrangement.”

“We are on the _couch._ And if the only reason you’ve called is to delve into my personal life, I’m sure we’ll see each other in the morning,” His voice chilled as he spoke. Ryder shifted again, clutching at Evfra’s waist tighter than before. The fingers on her hair stopped.

Moshae Sjefa didn’t seem bothered by Evfra’s tone, responding to his coldness with a light-hearted laugh. “Well, if there are any major developments, don’t hesitate to inform me. The two of you deserve as much happiness as you can get.”

“ _Moshae,_ ” Evfra snapped. Ryder tried not to jump at how sharp his rebuttal was. Her mind was reeling with what the Moshae had suggested—it wasn’t like the two them were even _close_ to that sort of—well, the idea of it was just—

“—there’s been sightings of Kett on Voeld. Further inland. If it were anything else, I wouldn’t recommend it, but I think you should look into the situation and consider sending in a recon team—we can’t afford to be lenient now, when we currently have a surplus of troops that can assist in the matter.”

Ryder mumbled, unappreciative at how Evfra had  leaned back, forcing her head to fall lower and knock against his chest ridges. He let out a huffed sigh and carefully re- adjusted so she was comfortable again. “I’ll consider it,” He finally said, words weighed and calculated. Ryder couldn’t tell if the consideration was serious—there was no way that Evfra would turn down a chance to hunt down kett, certainly not now. He was a vicious bastard when it came to them, like a bloodhound who’d sunk their teeth into the leg of a deer.

She didn’t blame him.

“Very well, general, I will leave you be,” Moshae Sjefa’s mood had dissipated, leaving her almost bitter. “Say hello to Sara for me, when she wakes. And keep me updated on her condition. I would very much like to see her gain back her fighting spirit.”

“Of course, Moshae.” Evfra’s voice had softened at the mention of Ryder’s name. “She is in good hands, I assure you.”

Ryder was further perplexed by the gentleness he showed. So perplexed, in fact, that she missed the less than formal farewells, and was only shook back to reality when Evfra’s hand gently touched her cheek. Her head was turned down—she almost flinched when lips pressed against her hairline. Her head was turned further down, and another kiss was gifted to the top of her head.

She shifted in his hold, and his hand moved from her jaw to her shoulder.

“I have you,” He whispered into her hair, and her heart flopped in her chest like a dying fish. He hushed her when she moved again.

“Evfra,” She murmured breathlessly, trying to sound as sleepy as possible. He leaned back from her, gently stroking her hair once more. Ryder frantically searched her mind for some reason _why._ But she didn’t want to, She desperately tried to block the thoughts out. There was no harm in enjoying this; it could a dream, for all she knew.

Ryder didn’t think she could get to sleep, with Evfra so close—but she’d fallen asleep on him once, and so it made sense for her to do it again. It was so easy, with her angaran-turned-pillow. She didn’t wake up again until she was cradled in his arms. He was carrying her to her room.

One of her arms was hooked up and over his shoulder, pressing against the right side of his mantle. She clenched her fingers and stretched them, dragging them across the soft fabric of his clothes. He started, and then paused in his step.

“Sara?” Evfra muttered in question. “Are you awake?”

“Thank you,” Ryder murmured in response. “For carrying me to my room. It’s cute,” She tugged on his shirt, smile dopey and uneven. “You’re cute.” She pressed her face into his chest and felt him chuckle.

The door to her room slid open. She felt herself settled onto the bed, sitting up with a hand on her back. She nearly jumped when his forehead pressed against hers, There was a moment of silence, perhaps too long of a moment, before Evfra pulled away.

“Goodnight,” Evfra told her. “Can you get changed for bed yourself?”

Ryder nodded. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest again. Making her much more awake, and _much_ more ashamed of her behaviour. “Yes. Goodnight. Thanks for bringing me to bed.”

 

Another. Fucking. _Dream._

Ryder flipped over onto her side and beat her fist against the pillow. It wasn’t a bad dream. No, it was _great._ Fantastic. Reminding her of how much attention she _wasn’t_ getting, now that she was half-blind and useless. And it was Evfra, again, of course. Her overly kind host.

“I swear to god, my libido is literally going to kill me,” She hissed out loud. Flipping onto her stomach she grabbed the nearest pillow and shoved her face into it. Ryder thought about screaming for a half a second before she was, letting out all her frustration into the sweaty cloth.

It seemed like seconds later that her door was sliding open.

“Sara, are you alright?” Evfra questioned, far more panicked than she’d ever heard him.

“Get _out,_ ” Ryder demanded instantly. “Get out, and leave me be, foul demon. I’ve no time for your tricks. Leave me to my suffering.”

Evfra seemed stunned for a moment. “Do you need me to call for a physician?”

“No,” Ryder responded, exasperated. “I’m just. I’m going through a lot.” She buried her face further in the pillow. “Bad dream. Kind of.” There was an awkward pause, and she took a deep breath. _He can smell you,_ her mind reminded cheerfully, and she gritted her teeth. _Lie, goddamnit. Lie through your teeth, tell them the dream was about someone else. Anyone else. Except Drack. And Liam. And—_

“—I see.”

Ryder heard him walk over, steps heavy against the floor. She squeezed her eyes shut a tad tighter, hoping he’d just go away, even though she knew he wouldn’t. Light fingers brushed her spine and then rested right above her ass.

“Roll over,” He all-but ordered, and Ryder let out a quiet grumble. She did as she was told, and then crossed her arms over her chest; she could see Evfra’s fuzzy outline melding in with the dark of the room as it loomed over her. His hand laid over her belly now. “There’s no need to hide your arousal from me.”

The words shocked her.

“Excuse me?” She squeaked out, even as fingers slid down her stomach and between her thighs. Ryder gasped and then groaned as lips pressed to the corner of her mouth. His mouth sealed over hers with his next kiss, and his fingers pressed down against her clit, just light enough to have her hips jerking upward.

“I said,” His voice was low and husky as he pulled away. “There’s no need to hide your arousal for me, Sara. Or from me, for that matter. I will gladly assist.”

Ryder’s body shook as he began to stroke the outer lips of her cunt through her underwear. _Oh, good lord what is going on_ ? She asked herself, torn between kissing Evfra back and pulling herself away. _Does it matter?_

Evfra hushed her—a single thick finger pressed under the hem of her underwear. She jerked as it slid down and gently grazed her clit. At the sudden movement, Evfra paused. He cocked his head to the side and began to work his finger in smooth circles. Ryder reached out and grabbed at the sheets, chest already beginning to heave and shake with the gentle attention.

“You’re so sensitive,” Evfra whispered. His lips were travelling down her jaw, leaving messy kisses in their wake. Ryder nodded and fought to get in another breath as the pressure increased. Evfra’s scent was so _strong,_ so close to her. She desperately sought his lips and was gifted another kiss—a growl rolled over her, rough and possessive.

A sharp knock had her jumping, and the Evfra in front of her wavered. She blinked once, then twice—and then everything was fading away to reveal it was her own fingers in between her thighs. She swore and ripped them from her underwear, searching around in her bed for her pants and then flopping back onto it. She hadn’t put on any when she’d gone to sleep, knowing she’d lose them before the end of the night.

“So gross, I’m so _gross,_ ” Ryder hissed. Her head jerked up as another knock sounded, though it didn’t sound nearly as hard as before. She considered her hand and then popped the slick fingers into her mouth, giving them a quick cleaning. “I’ll be there in a moment,” She called out past her fingers, looking around for a pair of pants. Realising she couldn’t see for the umpteenth time, she sighed. “I’m half-naked.”

“Are you alright?” Evfra asked. “I heard some…odd noises.”

Ryder winced away from his words. “I’m fine,” She replied weakly. Was this a dream too? “Just had…” _A bad dream,_ her mind supplied. “…a bad dream,” Ryder said, then she swallowed. “I…I can’t find my pants?” She murmured quietly. “I’m comfortable with it, if you are.”

The door slid open and a shadowy figure swept inside. The back of Evfra’s hand found her forehead, whilst he checked her pulse via her neck. Finding both normal, she could sense him relaxing.

“Do you always think I’m dying or something?” She accused.

“Not dying,” Evfra grunted out. “You’ve suffered a traumatic injury to your brain that was able to hide from your preliminary check-up with Lexi. I’ll take no chances.”

 _Another half-truth._ But she wasn’t going to let it go this time.

“Why are you lying?” Ryder demanded. She crossed her arms over her chest. “You think I don’t notice everyone hovering around me, checking to see if I’ve decided to cut myself open yet?” Her anger wasn't for him, she  _knew_ it wasn't. Her anger was for herself, for how gross she felt about—about—she swallowed, and then closed her eyes.

“Sara, that’s not—” He stopped himself, and then let out a disgusted noise. Ryder hoped he was disgusted with himself, and not her. “—we were told to watch for any signs of self-mutilation. And I will not ask Mohni nor Dhansa to stop.”

“Why would I kill myself? Do I come across as that miserable?” Evfra didn’t answer at first, and Ryder felt another wave of rage roll over her. She curled her fingers into her fists. Now, this anger was for him. “I can’t believe it. I do. I do look that miserable.” She sat down on the bed, hearing it give an angry squeak in solidarity. She forced her hands open, and then interlocked her fingers. “Can you just,” She pressed her hands to her head. “Can you just go?”

Ryder expected some sort of refusal but was only greeted with the sound of her door opening and shutting as he left. Sure, she hated the situation, and to an extent, herself—but she didn’t want to die.

Did she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there. Welcome to the end of the chapter.
> 
> Song for this fic:  
> Sexy Silk by Jessie J  
> Forgive Me (For Giving a Damn) by Doc Walker
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	14. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sunday is a good day to update this fic, right?
> 
> Thank all of you for your continued patience! If you don't follow me on tumblr, you might not have known that I have been on hiatus for the past month. But now I am back! And if you enjoy this chapter, please leave a comment below--be warned, this chapter has not been beta'd or edited. If you see any mistakes, I'd be honored if you let me know!

 

Things were tense, after Ryder’s outburst. Two weeks of stilted, awkward conversations didn’t do anything to calm her down. Instead, it just helped build an anger in her that she couldn’t easily diffuse. It lay in wait, impatiently poking around the corners of her mouth and crawling up her throat like bile.

“Sara?” Moshae Sjefa’s voice interrupted her brooding and she lifted her head. “How are you doing today?”

Ryder grunted and pressed her forehead back against the table. It was cold, but not unbearably so. “I’m doing okay. Found out this morning that my vision is getting worse.” Her tongue darted out to wet her lips. She gave her upper thighs a squeeze, and then ran her hands down the soft cloth of her sweatpants. White had begin to bleed into more of her vision. It’d been as horrifying as it’d been last time, but now, it was followed by a soured note of understanding.

She was blind.

It wasn’t as if she didn’t know this before—it was pretty hard to ignore, after all. But it hadn’t really...sank in. To be honest, she still wasn’t sure it had, not completely. She’d have another dozen or so moments where she had to sit down and come to terms with it. But today had really solidified the emotion of hopelessness that sat like a stone in her stomach.

“There is always hope,” the Moshae told her, voice soft and soothing.

Ryder took a deep breath, feeling her shoulders hitch when he breath did. “Lexi said that...it might not be…” She turned her head to press her cheek against the table. “...if the deterioration isn’t shown to slow with the eye medication, the damage might not be reversible.” Ryder waited for some sort of reaction, but Moshae Sjefa was silent.

After a moment or two, the chair opposite her groaned with the weight of someone sitting down in it.

“How goes the search for a cure?” the Moshae asked. Ryder shrugged her shoulders, unsure of that answer herself. Lexi hadn’t mentioned anything about it. The Moshae let out a soft hum. “You are welcome to stay here, on Aya, for as long as you like. If the damage to your eyesight is permanent, then I welcome you to make this place your home.”

Her chair squeaked. “Or, if you’d prefer to live elsewhere, we can make arrangements. Evfra and I have spoken of the matter before, when you first came to him.”

Ryder stayed where she was for a moment, processing the information. She slowly rose her head, wishing she could look the Moshae in the eye to get across the weight of her question. “Does...does that mean he was willing to move to take care of me, or…” She let her sentence trail off, hanging in-betwixt the two like a well-baited hook.

“Yes,” the Moshae replied. She sounded as if it’d been an obvious. “Evfra is very concerned for your health and well-being, as rough around the edges as he might be.” Moshae Sjefa cleared her throat. “I...would even say that he might be fond of you.”

“He has to be fond of me, if he’s willing to let me live with him,” Ryder pointed out. She slowly sat up and gave a nice, long stretch. “I mean, imagine not liking someone you basically have to watch constantly, or they’ll find their way into trouble.” Ryder flashed a bright smile, trying to ignore how fake it felt. “I’m like a toddler in a room full of open bottles of chemicals.”

The Moshae sighed. “I was contacted by Ihne, this morning—she is in charge of the young children that come to us, without homes.” Ryder jumped when a mug was set down beside her— a hand laid itself over her shoulder as the comforting smell of Mohni washed over her. “She said she’d love to have you. And I know that you’ve mentioned to Evfra how you’d like to have your...hair, cut. After speaking to director Addison, we’ve found someone who might be able to help.”

Ryder blinked, almost stupidly. She had wanted her hair cut, still did, but it wasn’t something that she'd expected Evfra to share. It made her wonder what he didn't shared with the Moshae. The two of them were usually at some sort of odds, so them working together for Ryder’s sake was suspicious.

“That sounds great,” Ryder told the Moshae, hoping that she didn’t look to be in doubt of the offer. The corners of her mouth tipped down into a thoughtful frown. “Do I need to go to the Nexus for that?”

“Yes,” Moshae Sjefa replied. “I thought it’d also be good for you to spend some time with your crew. They’ll be docked for the next week or so.”

Ryder rolled her eyes. “They aren’t _my_ crew. They’re Scott’s. How many times do I have to say it?”

The Moshae snorted. “Sara,” She paused, but it was brief. “If you wish to convince me, you’ll have to convince yourself first.” Another pause, a bit longer. Ryder had frozen where she sat, unsure of how to respond. “And you can’t convince yourself of anything short of the truth. It’s one of the many things that marked you as a great pathfinder.”

“I...but I know I’m not in charge,” Ryder argued. “Forgive me any rudeness, but I’m blind, Moshae. I’m no use.” One of her arms crossed to hold the other, nails digging into the soft cloth of her shirt. “I can’t lead. I can’t fight. I can’t help.” She closed her eyes and her brows furrowed. “And nothing is going to change that. They really shouldn’t be wasting the resources they are.”

“You say they are wasting resources, but nobody thinks that. Nobody but you,” Mohni interjected. She pet at Ryder’s head gently, smoothing it down. “They would have given up, if it wasn’t important.”

“They _think_ it’s important,” Ryder grumbled. “Using resources to benefit one person when they could be used to benefit many is…” She drew her fingers into fists and then lightly banged them on the table. “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”

A hand laid itself over one of Ryder’s, cupping it and surrounding it in warmth. Ryder gritted her teeth.

“If this was anyone else, they wouldn’t be going to these lengths,” Ryder muttered. “They’re putting their personal feelings— you’re putting your personal feelings— above what’s best. You, Evfra, Mohni and Dhansa— you all have better things to do than make sure I’m okay. The universe doesn’t stop because one soldier can’t fight.”  

The hand on hers gave a squeeze, and the one on her shoulder disappeared. This left her alone at the table with the Moshae. A silence stretched between them, uncomfortable and cold. Ryder pulled her hand away from Moshae Sjefa and picked at her nails. After a moment or two, she carefully reached for her mug and brought it to her lips— it smelled sweet, and tasted almost like chocolate. But then a spiciness followed, striking across her tongue like a match to phosphorus.

It was _delicious._ Even if Ryder had let it sit long enough that it grew lukewarm. She shifted down in her seat, keeping her eyes staring blankly ahead of her. Her thoughts briefly touched on whether or not the Moshae found it unsettling, whenever she’d stare at her— even though it was unintentional. Or if she felt pity. Ryder hoped that she didn't feel pity.

“That haircut,” Ryder muttered after a second. One of her hands surrendered the mug, and she drew it through her hair. It’d grown even shaggier than before, and she feared that if she left it too much longer, she’d resemble less of a person and more of a dog. Though it’d only fit to look like a bitch, since she’d been acting like one. “Thank you for going through the effort to find someone. If it’s still an option, I’ll take it.” She rested the mug carefully on the table.

A soft, near inaudible sigh left the Moshae. Ryder couldn’t tell if it was relieved or annoyed.

“Of course. You could go see her today, if you’d like— and tomorrow, we can introduce you to Ihne.” Ryder nodded. She fiddled with her fingers some more, feeling shame well up in her chest, smothering her earlier anger. The Moshae didn’t seem to notice. “Ah, breakfast is ready,” She stated brightly, and Ryder leaned back, just in case a hot plate was coming through.

She listened as a plate was set in front of her, and the end of a utensil was nudged into her hand. “Thanks. How messy am I going to get?”

“I think the table will end up messier than you,” Mohni told her softly. Everyone had started to talk softer. Ryder startled easily now, since she couldn’t see people coming. She didn’t want to admit it, but it bothered her. A lot. She had been as unshakable as a rock before, and now she jumped at the slightest noise.

“That doesn’t inspire confidence,” Ryder warned. She wandered her fingers down the utensil in her hand to find it a fork. “Should I put on a bib? Or at least a napkin?”

Mohni chuckled, and Ryder realised that she hadn’t heard from Dhansa the entire time.

“Is Dhansa okay?” Ryder asked.

“Oh, yes, her daughter is giving birth today,” Mohni replied, and Ryder eased. She hadn’t even noticed the panic that had been growing in her chest. “It’s a very exciting day, you see. I’m sure she’ll be awash with stories when she returns.” _And pictures._ Ryder tacked on moodily.

“Everyone keeps on having kids,” Ryder teased with a smile. “Making me jealous over here.” She gently nudged around her plate with her fork, before taking a big bite of whatever it was. She trusted Mohni not to give her anything that tasted awful. “Do you think I could convince Evfra to help raise a kid with me?”

Both the Moshae and Mohni laughed, though it was playful.

“I’m sure if you asked, he’d consider it,” Mohni teased. “He does like children.”

“Well, he didn’t give me an answer the last time I asked,” Ryder pointed out, humming in delight around the food in her mouth. Good, as per usual. “So by ask, you mean ask _daily_ until he gives in. Or he kicks me out for being overly creepy.”

“Oh, Sara, wanting to raise a child with him isn’t creepy,” Mohni hushed. She then paused, words hanging in the air. “I...well, I don’t think it is, anyway. You two are so close— friends make as good parents as a couple.” The second half of her sentence was stuttered and quick, almost unsure. A correction to what she’d said before.

Suspicious.

“The angaran do it,” Moshae Sjefa cut in, though her words were more solid. It still sounded more like a cover-up than anything else. “I see why the practice couldn’t be shared with humans. Or any other alien, as it were.”

Still suspicious.

“I guess I might ask again,” Ryder replied, keeping her voice easy and laid-back. The Moshae and Mohni were hiding something. Ryder wanted to know what. “Never hurts, right? Might get an answer this time.”

 

Ryder wasn’t surprised, when she heard the sound of Tempest’s engines pull into the docking bay. The noise was still ingrained in her memory and her heart soared at the rumble that shook through her feet as it docked.

“Is Evfra not going to come and see me off?” Ryder asked, staring up at where she knew the Tempest had parked. Where it always parked. She could see it in her mind. “It’s only going to be a few days, I guess. He won’t even miss me— in fact, he’ll probably be able to relax.”

“Evfra never relaxes,” Mohni teased from beside her. “And you are a constant in his life, now. Losing you might throw him off. Make it worse.” She nudged Ryder gently. “I am surprised that he’s not here, though. He swore he would be. Do you want to wait?”

Ryder let out an unsure hum. “Well, if I miss him, he’ll think I don’t like him. Which isn’t even close to the case, ya dig?” She put a hand on her hip. The Tempest’s loading dock was coming down with a near soundless purr of gears. “There’s no consequence of waiting a bit longer. It might even let the crew get a bit of fresh air, walk around. You can see Jaal...again? Do you know Jaal.”

“Oh, Sara, we _all_ know Jaal. He’s fairly popular around here.” Again, Mohni nudged Ryder, though it was teasing. Ryder gave a faux, low gasp.

“Do you like Jaal?” Ryder asked, letting her voice fall to a whisper. “Oh, Mohni, I think you’re going to have to fight Evfra over him.” She leaned a bit closer, until she bumped into some piece of Mohni. Mohni chuckled. “I swear he’s into him, the way he acts when I talk about him.”

“Evfra isn’t interested in Jaal,” Mohni told her, voice equally as quiet. “Though he does have a crush on a very lucky woman.” She pulled away from Ryder.

“No, no, no, you get back here. Tell me who it is,” Ryder reached out and luckily caught Mohni’s arm. “I need the dirt, Mohni. Please. I have to have it. I need to _tease_ him about it.”

Mohni laid a hand over hers. “That’s exactly why you can’t know,” She confirmed. “You have to earn that kind of information.”

“Who’s dick do I have to suck, come on—” Ryder began, but she was interrupted by Jaal calling her name. Mohni let her go so she could be intercepted by two big, thick arms wrapping around her. The comfortable scent of Jaal wrapped around her, and she let out a long, happy laugh as he squeezed her tight.

“Sara,” Jaal greeted warmly. “It’s been too long.” Ryder hugged back enthusiastically, squeezing him tight. He buried his face in her hair for just a moment, before pulling back. His hands touched her face, thumbs smoothing under her eyes. “You still look as if you aren’t sleeping well.”

Ryder tilted forward into his hands. “Look, I’m trying my best.” She let her eyes flicker open, no longer surprised when she saw a blurred mess in return. She gave a weak smile. “It’s not easy, being as cool as I am.”

A throat cleared behind her, and she resisted the urge to look back.

“If it’s not too much to ask, Jaal, could you keep your hands to yourself for once?” Evfra’s voice was ice cold. Jaal squished Ryder’s face, making her pucker. Ryder made obligatory fish noises in return. “You two are like children, even when supervised.”

Now Ryder turned her face toward him and Jaal let go of her. “You’re just mad cause we have fun together. You want everyone else to be as miserable as you are.” She was gathered into a warm hug, and a soft kiss was pressed to her cheek. Ryder chuckled. “Thanks Jaal.”

“If you’d like, I know of a tea that might help you sleep,” Jaal’s hands went to rest on her shoulders. “I will ask my mother for the recipe.” He kissed her again, his lips now resting against her forehead. Ryder nodded and gave him a more genuine smile.

“I’d love that, thank you,” Ryder told him. Jaal’s hands left her, only for her to get swept up in another hug. It took her all of a second to guess that it was Scott. Only thing odd about the encounter was that he... _smelled_ different.

Scott clapped her on the back like he always did, and Ryder tried to ignore the rough huff Evfra gave from behind her. She squeezed Scott back just as tight.

“Since when does he get to hug you first?” Scott demanded.

“I’m sorry, but this is a first-come, first-serve sort of situation,” Ryder told him as he pulled away. She turned back to where she heard Evfra’s grumbling. “Except for Evfra. He can have a hug any time he wants.”

Jaal snorted from beside her. “I’m not sure he cares much for them,” He revealed. “We are here to take you away to the Nexus, I hear—will you be joining us?” The question was directed toward Evfra.

“Some of us actually have work to do, while you gallivant across the system,” Evfra replied, voice still cold. Ryder reached out and nearly jumped when a rough hand grabbed hers. It had to be Drack. She smiled, though kept her ears focused on the conversation behind her.

“I thought you’d still be on the Nexus, fawning over your great-grandbabies,” Ryder teased, before she wrapped him in a hug. He returned it, leading her over to the arguing voices. “I know I would be. Screw saving the universe, when you have little fingers and toes to count.”

Drack snorted. “Kesh and Vorn have that covered. They can call me when the kids start to headbutt. Plus, someone has to lead you around to start shit. Scott’s not as good as it as I am.”

“A man after my own heart,” She replied as they came up to the angaran men. “Evfra, thank you for coming to see me off.” Ryder reached a hand forward, and her heart stuttered momentarily— would he actually take her hand? And then he did, stopping her panic before it truly started. She launched herself forward to wrap him in a hug, trying not to chuckle when he was caught off guard. He had to brace himself so as not to be toppled over by her enthusiasm. 

“I...of course,” Evfra muttered. It took a moment, but he returned the hug. “There’s no need for such sentiment. You’ll be back before long.”

Ryder shrugged as she pulled away. “But I’ll miss you. And if I’m going to miss you, I’ve got to hug you. It’s basically a rule in human society.” She drew her bottom lip into her mouth, and then bounced up on the pads of her feet. Her lips caught Evfra’s cheek, barely brushing his scar. “Sometimes we kiss too. You know. Cause we’re going to miss each other.”

“That is...very kind, of you,” Evfra managed, though it sounded strained.

 _I knew I took it too far,_ Ryder inwardly swore. And then she felt a soft peck on her cheek.

“Return safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, is it me you're looking for? If it is, I'd love to welcome you to the end of the chapter!
> 
> Song(s) for this chapter:  
> Rattlesnake by Kabaret Sybarit  
> Cookie Jar by Doja Cat
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	15. A Reveal, Of A Kind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am eating the tastiest ham and cheese bagel right now guys. 
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this fic! If you liked this chapter, please leave a comment below!

 

“Sara.” 

Ryder jerked up from where she’d been unpacking, trying to pinpoint where the voice was coming from. She squinted on instinct, and then forced herself to stop. It was Scott— they’d be sharing the bed in the pathfinder quarters during their travel to the Nexus. Everyone swore it wouldn’t take that long, but Ryder didn’t trust them. Any of them. 

“What’s up?” Ryder asked, straightening to the best of her ability. “I can’t tell— is that the ‘we need to talk’ tone?” She thrust her hands into her bag, plucking the familiar bottle of shampoo from within and running her fingers along the smooth cap. She thrust her thumb under it and it gave a satisfying click. The scent reminded her of Evfra, sharp and bordering on wild. Ryder let out a happy hum and then closed it. 

When Scott didn’t answer, she sighed. “We always need to talk, don’t we? I don’t need to see to know you’ve got that face on. The one, where you do an upside down smile?” 

“Could you be serious for one second?” Scott asked. 

Ryder let her shoulders fall. She dropped the shampoo back into her bag and heard it thud against her clothes. Not that she planned on leaving the pathfinder’s quarters for the entirety of the trip. “What do you need?” Her voice was soft and careful. “I’m always open if you need help, Scott. You know that.” Ryder reached her hands out, offering them blindly to Scott. 

“It’s about Jaal,” Scott sounded melancholy, voice heavy and low. “I...he likes you. In a romantic way.” Ryder cocked her head to the side as she heard Scott shift from one foot to the other. That was impossible.

“What makes you think that?” Ryder asked, using her hand to seek out some place to sit. Scott carefully took her hand and led her over to a couch. She sat down on it, making sure she wasn’t near the end of it before bringing her knees up and giving them a tight squeeze. 

The couch gave out a gusty breath as Scott sat down next to her. “He asked me...well, he asked me about what you looked for in a partner. What sort of things you liked, as a gift.  You know. Typical romantic stuff.” 

“Are you pouting?” 

“ _ No. _ ” 

Ryder snorted. “It  _ sounds  _ like your pouting.” She pressed against the back of the couch and closed her eyes. “Look, Scott— Jaal is a good friend. A close friend. And an angaran. They’re just more cuddly with their affection than humans are. He’s not trying to get into my pants. He’s trying to make me feel better about the whole  _ blind  _ thing.” 

Scott sighed. “That’s not all he asked, though.” Ryder waited as Scott went silent. She wouldn’t push him, if he didn’t want to share. Another sigh, and then an uncomfortable shifting. “He asked me if you liked him. Well, he asked me if you’d consider him as a romantic partner.” 

“No,” Ryder replied, voice muted. “No, you’re pulling my leg. What did you tell him?”

“I told him that I didn’t know— could we focus on my heart being crushed?” Scott asked glumly. 

“Yeah, must suck to lose the love of your life to your blind sister,” Ryder said. She gave her legs another squeeze as Scott let out a defeated groan. “Look, Jaal is...well, Jaal isn’t into me. I promise. We have no desire to hump each other.” She released her legs to hook her arms around the backrest. 

Scott let out a disbelieving cluck. “Oh, so he was just fishing for information?” 

“Weirder things have happened,” Ryder replied. “I wouldn’t think too much about it, to be honest. Could be testing the waters with you. Seeing if he can make you jealous.” She stretched one leg out from under her at a time, aiming to rest them on a coffee table she hoped was still there. And that she hoped didn’t have any drinks on it. 

“You don’t believe that.” 

“How do you know?” Ryder asked. Her feet clunked against the tabletop. Scott swatted at her leg, and she stuck her tongue out at him. She then sighed, digging her nails into the back of the couch. “Look, I know this is pretty, well, shitty. It’s shitty. But I’m sure that it’s not what you think.”

And Ryder believed that. She had no doubt in her mind that Jaal was up to something— there was nothing remotely romantic between the two of them. So, unless he’d recently suffered cranial damage, then the entire thing was either a ruse or a cover up. It had her curious. After all, what would asking her brother these things gain him?

It was honestly a delightfully distracting puzzle. 

“Thanks for the pep talk,” Scott muttered sarcastically. “What if he does like you, though? What are you going to do about it?” 

Ryder shrugged, honestly unsure. “I don’t know. Wear a sign that says ‘not interested in Jaal’s dick’.” She smiled when Scott snorted. “Jaal would understand if I said no. He’s good about that kind of thing.” Her smile melted away, after a moment of thought. “You’re not going to do the thing, are you?” 

“What thing?” Scott asked, as if he truly didn’t know what she was talking about. 

“Oh, you know. Where you ignore Jaal for the next few weeks because you’re sad or angry? I think it’s called sulking.” She grunted as she drew her hands over her head, stretching where her arms had gotten sore. “Grab life by the balls, Scott. Tell Jaal how you feel already. I can go slum it in the crew quarters. In case you need to use the bed.” 

“Jesus  _ Christ  _ Sara.”

Ryder rose her hands in defence. “Hey man, not the first action that bed has seen.” 

“Who’d you fuck on it?” Scott asked. Ryder could feel that it was a set up for a joke. “I can’t imagine there’s someone out there willing to deal with your personality.” Ryder tried not to jump as he punched her shoulder. 

“More people that you’ve fucked in the last six-hundred years,” Ryder replied with confidence. “I have a feeling that that’s not all you wanted to talk about.” She waited for a moment, and then jumped in surprise as Scott scooted close to her, wrapping an arm around her. She instinctively hugged him back and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

It was in that moment that she decided that she’d talk to Jaal about this entire thing. Corner him somewhere, or at least try to. Scott wouldn’t want her too, but that was a mild complaint at best. Scott would forgive her—or he wouldn’t. If he didn’t, she’d have to revel in picking through Jaal’s secrets on her own time. 

It took ten minutes before Scott was out like a light. Asleep against her shoulder and snoring softly. Ryder resisted the urge to pick him up and try to take him to his bed. She’d end up injuring both of them in the process. Instead she just waited, willing herself to close her eyes and relax. 

“You know, this is a lot,” Ryder told Scott, despite the fact that he was still sleeping. “I mean, what’s the chance that you were going to stop at Aya, and then at the Nexus? And then  _ back  _ to Aya? I feel like this was a very single-minded trip— you shouldn’t have bothered with it.” 

Scott snorted in his sleep and cuddled closer. “But you did. You always do. Guess I always do too, huh?” Ryder closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Don’t worry, Scott. I’ll see what I can do about Jaal and this whole misunderstanding. Even if you don’t want me to.” 

 

It was an hour, before Scott woke up. He was groggy and confused—but quickly snapped to when he realised that it was Ryder he was leaning up against. 

“How long was I out?” He asked as he let her go, giving a yawn. Ryder shrugged at him and finally pulled her legs down from the table in front of her. They gave a twinge of discomfort and she gave each of them a long, satisfying stretch. 

“I don’t know. An hour maybe? Can’t be sure.” Ryder slowly rose from her seat, shaking out all her limbs. “What does it look like outside?” 

The couch gave a squeak. “Uh, space. Like usual, when we’re flying through space,” He paused. “It’s dark. There are a lot of stars out there, but a lot of them just look like pieces of rock on fire, with how close they are to the ship. Not nearly as impressive as looking at them from earth, with a telescope.” 

“Nothing is ever going to look as impressive as it did on earth,” Ryder reminded. “How’s pathfinder business?” She asked, carefully toeing her way around the room, making sure her pathway was clear.

“You should be using your cane,” Scott told her. 

“I have faith that you cleaned before letting me in here,” Ryder shot back. “I mean, guess you didn’t have to. Since I can’t see it, I can’t nag you about it.” She was pacing now, feeling oddly out of place in this room now. It wasn’t hers anymore. It didn’t smell like her, didn’t  _ feel  _ like her. Her fingers clenched and then released with her next breath. “So, the job thing.” 

Scott groaned. “Look, it’s work. I don’t want to talk about it— I mean, I don’t want you to...it’s going fine, Sara. Why don’t you go visit some of the crew? I’m sure someone’s up at this hour. You don’t need to be cooped up in here with me for the entire trip.” 

“I don’t believe anyone sleeps on this fucking ship,” was Ryder’s reply. She gave another stretch. “I think I’m going to go find Drack. I promise I’ll take my cane to make sure I don’t walk off any edges.” 

An uncertain hum left Scott. 

“I can take you to the kitchen, if you want?” 

Ryder shook her head. “Nah, I mean, it’s just to the left, isn’t it? I won’t go any further without an escort. Cross my heart.” She made an ‘x’ over the centre of her chest. Another noise left Scott, though she could sense him cracking. A second later, she felt her cane press against her palm. 

“At least, if you fall, you’ll be close enough to the medbay that Lexi might be able to save your life,” Scott grumbled. Ryder tipped an invisible cap at him, before tapping her way out of the room, and to the kitchen. 

The kitchen was small, that much she remembered. But it didn’t matter because as soon as she stepped inside, a hand was ruffling her hair. She giggled lightly. 

“Hey kid,” Drack rumbled. “Thought I wouldn’t see you until we docked again.” 

“Me too,” Ryder said, leaning against the wall. “I was going to hole myself up, mope— but I have a mission now. And you were the closest shit-starter that I could trust not to squeal on me.”

Drack snorted. “What did you have in mind?” 

“Nothing too devious. I just need to get Jaal alone to talk to him. I need an escort and a bodyguard. Sort of. Just need to make sure no one comes in. Think you can keep Scott busy, field off Lexi for a bit?” She crossed her arms over her chest, eye twitching as her cane smacked against her leg. 

“What do you want him alone for?” 

Ryder rolled her neck, considering his question. “I want to talk to him. That’s all. Ask him a question or two.” She now actively tapped her cane against her leg. “Just know that I have his best interests in mind.” 

“I highly doubt that,” Drack responded. His voice dripped with amusement. “I’ll see what I can do. I’m sure he’s in tech lab.” There was the sound of a pot being set down. “It’s nice to see you haven’t lost that mischievous spark of yours.” 

“Mischief, spite, it’s the two things I run on,” Ryder teased. She then cleared her throat. “I mean, it’s not really mischief. It really is something I need to talk to him about. As soon as possible.” 

Drack was quiet for a moment. “Pathfinder reasons?” 

Ryder shook her head. “Ryder reasons.” She jerked her thumb over her shoulder, pointing somewhere behind her. Drack let out a soft hum. “Please? If everything goes well, I’ll tell you what it’s about.” 

“No need,” Drack gruffed. “I take your word for it. Just don’t do anything stupid that you can’t blame on someone else.” Ryder extended her hand and was relieved when he took it back. She tried to ignore how gentle he was with it. He was Drack. He wouldn’t treat her different. 

Her voice got stuck in her throat as he led her down the thin pathway to the research room. They both hung a right and then she was stopped with a hand on her shoulder. Ryder turned her face toward Drack, eyebrows raising in question. 

“Looks like he’s in there,” He paused. “Hasn’t noticed us yet. Think you can you can get through the mess of shit in there by yourself?” 

Ryder thought about it a moment, and then nodded. “Yeah, think so. If not, well, Lexi is on board.” She felt Drack let go of her, and then nudge her forward. “I also have my cane, so I should be fine.” To prove her point, she used it to guide her to the door. It slid open. 

“Sara?” 

Ryder smiled at her name. “The one and only,” She greeted, mildly relieved that she didn’t have to navigate the mess. Jaal wasn’t always the neatest. “Do you think we could talk for a moment? Privately.” The door slid shut behind her. 

“Of course,” He laid a hand on her arm. Warm lips pressed to her forehead and tugged her deeper inside. “Is something wrong?” Jaal guided her to a nearby seat of some sort, or at least she hoped it was. Ryder popped her lips at Jaal’s question, dragging her feet against the floor. 

“I was hoping you could tell me,” Ryder replied. She wiggled around to get comfortable. “I have been sitting a lot lately. Anyway. Scott told me that you asked if I would consider being in a romantic relationship with you.”

Tension threaded through the air immediately— it was so thick that Ryder could feel it wrapping around her throat and infiltrating her lung. She coughed slightly at it, covering her mouth with her elbow. It was the first time she’d been uncomfortable in Jaal’s presence in a long,  _ long  _ time, and she didn’t like it. 

“Jaal,” She said his name softly. Carefully. “I...do you feel something for me?” 

Jaal sighed. “I feel many things for you, Sara. Admiration. Awe. Enough love to drown the entire universe in.” He cupped her face, smoothing his thick thumb down her cheek. “But I think we’re better off as friends. I’ve no interest in you romantically— I’m sorry if that comes as a let-down, or a surprise.” 

Ryder’s shoulders fell as relief rushed through her. “No, I...that’s great news. But it raises a couple questions. Why did you ask it in the first place?” She leaned heavily on the cane between her legs as Jaal let her face go. To her surprise, the tension in the room hadn’t melted away. She waited in silence, debating on whether or not Jaal intended to answer her. 

“I cannot say,” Jaal replied innocently, after a long silence. “Curiosity is an incredibly thing, is it not?” Ryder heard him audibly turn from her, and she rolled her eyes. “It was a...spur of the moment question. Nothing to be concerned with.” 

“You are a  _ terrible  _ liar,” Ryder told him. “I get that everyone keeps secrets, but this one involves me—and my brother, like it or not. No spur of the moment question is followed up with things like ‘what kind of things does she like’ and ‘what I look for in a partner’.” 

“You’re correct,” Jaal answered in a murmur. “I want to tell you, but it’s not my right to tell.” 

Ryder clicked her tongue. “No, no, no— you see, it’s as much your right as the person who told you. If they didn’t want you to say anything, they wouldn’t have asked you to ask Scott in the first place. You can tell me. You just don’t want to.” 

“You can talk yourself in circles if you like, but I’m not telling you,” Jaal said. His tone was stubborn with the tiniest bit of smugness. “I was asked in confidence, and I will not break said confidence.” 

“I’m going to find out,” Ryder warned. She drew her bottom lip into her mouth, pressing her teeth sharply into the chapped skin. “You shouldn’t have asked Scott.” 

Jaal let out a soft hum in question. “And why is that?” 

“Because he...he…” She stumbled over her words, brain stopping her mid sentence to ask if she  _ really  _ wanted to do this to her brother. “I don’t know if you know this, but he likes you.” 

“I do know,” Jaal answered. He sounded almost  _ amused.  _ “His attention is flattering, but the feelings are not mutual between us. I want to let him down gently, however, it’s hard to find a good time to do it. He’s rather busy, acclimating to his new role.” 

“Then you  _ definitely  _ shouldn’t have asked Scott,” She lectured. “He’s like a faberge egg, when it comes to crushes.” She pressed a hand to her forehead. “Now I have to clean it up. He’s not going to believe that you don’t like him for him now. Now he’s going to believe it’s because you like me, no matter what you say.” 

Ryder got to her feet. “And then, the rumours are going to start.” 

“What is a faberge egg?” Jaal asked, ever-curious. “And I think that it’s neither my business nor yours, when it comes to protecting his emotions.” 

“It’s a really delicate, expensive— whatever, it’s easily breakable.” She shoved a thumb into one of her pockets. “I just...I don’t want him to…” 

“...you want to protect him. But you can’t protect him from everything, Sara. He’s not a child.” A hand laid itself on Ryder’s arm and gave a soft squeeze. “The most you can do is  share in his pain, and encourage him to try again. Perhaps with someone that isn’t a part of his crew? It’d serve him better.” 

Ryder sighed. She rose her hand and laid it over Jaal’s. “Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the advice.” She pulled her hand free, and then pressed a kiss to the top of Jaal’s hand. “You’re just fine with it because you don’t have to listen to him bitch for the next couple hours.” 

“That does make it easier.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!! It's always so wonderful to see you ouo
> 
> Song for this chapter:  
> Bad Ideas by Tessa Violet
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


	16. Family?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there friends! This chapter was supposed to go up yesterday, but I got caught up in the sims (you know,,,when you play sims and end up playing it for 8+ hours? That was me. Oops.) 
> 
> If you like this chapter, please leave a comment below <3 I'd love to hear from you!

The Nexus was frightening and unfamiliar. After having been on Aya so long, the recycled air tasted unpleasant. It wasn’t stale, necessarily, but it tasted filtered and fake. She coughed, shoving her mouth into her elbow. Ryder jumped as a hand pressed against her upper back. She relaxed after a moment, realising it was Lexi.

“You look shocked,” She teased. “It’s been a long time since you’ve been here, so it’s understandable.” 

Ryder nodded. “It’s weird, being back here. Tastes nasty.” She clicked her tongue before running it against the backs of her teeth. It’d take awhile for her to acclimate to it. Hopefully she wasn’t here long enough for that. She jumped when a hand clamped around hers. 

“Fuck, Scott, jesus  _ christ.  _ Can everyone stop sneaking up on the blind woman?” Ryder snapped as she tried not to shake. She was getting  _ real  _ tired of people grabbing at her without warning her first. 

“We don’t do it on purpose,” Lexi soothed, hand pulling away from her back.

“If the blind person has to get used to being blind, you guys need to get used to the blind person.” She grumbled and then squeezed Scott’s hand. “It’s only fair, you know.” 

Lexi let out a hum—the sound let Ryder know that she’d heard, but declined to comment. Lexi carefully grabbed her elbow, joining Scott in guiding her toward their destination. Ryder didn’t argue with either of them. 

Around her, the sound of people going about their day was like TV static. Idle chatter, footsteps, the sound of datapads dinging and chiming out to their owners. It would have made her dizzy, if she weren’t so obsessed with the sound of her own footsteps. They were heavy against the metal beneath her feet—each metallic thud had her heart jumping in her chest, stuttering and dancing beneath her ribs. 

_ Everyone is staring.  _

The phrase ploughed through the rest of her thoughts, splitting them apart like the trunk of a lightning struck tree. It now occupied the forefront of her mind. Everyone had to be watching her. The great pathfinder, reduced to...to  _ this.  _ Blind. Useless. She wanted to fade into the background, wanted to become the same shade as the walls. 

Her hand tightened further around Scott’s, nails digging into his palm. His skin was at the stage just before calloused, still soft enough for her grip to hurt. Scott squeezed back all the same, refusing to pull his hand away. Her other hand balled into a fist.

“So, this hairdresser,” Ryder tried, forcing her voice out of her throat. It sounded scratchy and wobbled ever so slightly. She cleared her throat. “What am I in for? Is Scott picking my hairstyle? Because I don’t trust him. I have boys to impress after all—I’ve lost my sight and my position—my mediocre looks are going to have to pull through for me. Scott will turn this five into a two, if he gets to pick.” 

“I will  _ not, _ ” Scott argued. “But I’m not going to pick. We’re going to let the hairdresser pick something nice for you. Unless you want to go with your old haircut.” 

Ryder let out a soft hum. “I think I’ll let them pick. I mean, I don’t have to suffer seeing it.” She let her shoulders fall, trying to calm her heartbeat. There was nothing scary about getting her hair cut. And certainly not scary to get it cut by someone who’d been vetted by the Moshae. And Evfra.

Her heart seized at the thought of him. Ryder suddenly wished that he was there with her, even though he had much more important things to attend to. Because as much comfort as Lexi and Scott brought, she longed for the familiar feel of his gloved hand in-betwixt hers or lingering on her arm. She pulled away from Lexi so that she could rest her hand against her thigh, drumming her fingertips against her pant leg. 

This had to stop. She was anything but a coward. She needed to tell Evfra that she liked him, and  _ soon.  _ The idea made her ache in the worst of ways—sure, he could probably keep their relationship platonic, but could  _ she _ ? All the cuddling, the touching, the playful flirting—that would be gone. Evfra would just see them all as continued, fruitless attempts to get into his pants.

“Sara?” 

“Yes, Scott? I’m kind of dealing with something right now,” Ryder snapped. She winced and shook her head. “Sorry, just...I’m sorry. I’m anxious.” She lifted her hand and rubbed at her cheek. Scott squeezed her hand gently. “Fuck. I don’t mean to get angry.” 

There was a short pause. “Hey, it’s alright—” 

Ryder cut him off. “ —no, it’s  _ not  _ okay,” She corrected. “Taking my anger out on you or anyone else isn’t okay, Scott.” She drew her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down on it, hard. The pain was quick to ground her. “Just because I’m blind and going through some crap doesn’t mean I get a free pass. You didn’t give me one before and you shouldn’t give me one now.”

“Sara, is your lip bleeding?” Lexi asked as soon as Ryder had finished monologuing. Ryder jumped, having forgotten that she was there. 

“I don’t know,” Ryder replied. She lifted her fingers and touched at her bottom lip. It was definitely a bit wet and sticky. “Maybe? Does it look like it?” She hadn’t bit down  _ that  _ hard, had she? 

Ryder jerked as she felt a soft cloth dabbing at her mouth. Lexi’s sleeve, maybe. “I am then I guess?” 

“We need to do something about your anxiety,” Lexi muttered, more to herself than to Ryder.  

“I just bit my lip,” Ryder protested. 

Scott squeezed her hand again and she felt the urge to sigh. She couldn’t have a conversation with  _ anyone  _ around here. As soon as she tried, someone would find  _ something  _ to detract from it. She let out a grumbled protest but allowed herself to be dragged forward. Ryder supposed she could make a break for it, but it wouldn’t be easy, finding her way back to the ship. Possible, but not easy.

“Ah, you must be Sara,” a warm voice accompanied the sound of doors sliding open. A gust of warm, sugar-scented air washed over her. Ryder tilted her head up and gave a few, cautious sniffs, trying to identify the scent. 

Ryder tilted her head back down and gave a smile. She hoped that it didn’t seem tense or ungrateful. “Did the cane give it away?” She teased. “Or was it the stunning good looks?” She smacked a faux kiss into the air, followed up by her own, soft laughter. She extended her hand into the open space in front of her—it was given a firm shake and she smiled. “You must be the woman giving me my haircut.” 

“I am,” She affirmed. “My name is Loey, I work here on the Nexus in hydroponics. I think we met before. Briefly.” Ryder nodded. She was already scouring her memory, though she doubted she’d remember the woman. She met a lot of people in the in-between, and as much as she  _ wanted  _ to know everyone she met by name, she was more of a face person. Or she had been. 

“Hydroponics? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re really good with your hands, but I think you need more than that to be a hairdresser.” 

“I went to a beauty college first. Graduated top of my class,” Loey said—Ryder respected the pride imbued in her voice. “Then I dated a guy who didn’t want to date a hairdresser, so I went back to school—we ended up breaking up when I was cleared for this mission, and he wasn’t.”

Ryder snorted. “What’d you learn from that?” She reached her hand out and found fingers clutching at hers and pulling her forward. Ryder stumbled slightly, getting up close and personal with her new hairdresser—close enough to feel her breath on her cheek.

Loey didn’t seem bothered. “That I never really liked him,” She replied, almost thoughtfully. Ryder smiled and took a step back. “Let’s get you into a chair.” There was an obvious, flirty air about the woman and Ryder considered flirting back. She  _ was  _ in a mood.

“What are you looking for today?” Loey asked. 

“Nothing,” Ryder said. “I don’t really look for anything these days.”

“Oh, god, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Loey apologised immediately. “I...what sort of hairstyle did you want?” 

Ryder flapped a hand at her. “You’re forgiven. Something cute. Sassy.  _ Sexy.  _ I have someone I want to impress.” She leaned back in the chair. “Make me look like someone you’d want to take to bed.” 

“Sara, really?” 

“Really,” Ryder told her brother. “I don’t have to follow a dress code anymore. No one gets to lecture me on what my hair looks like.  _ Including  _ you.” She settled in the chair. Ryder knew Scott wanted to complain, but he had no choice in staying quiet. With her hair long, her brother and late father said she looked like her mother. They were attached to it after the funeral. She hadn’t put much thought into it, what with having a galaxy to save first thing upon waking up. 

Plus, it wasn’t like her mom was gone. Ryder resisted the urge to pull her bottom lip back into her mouth. She’d told Scott about the whole ‘reapers destroying the galaxy’ thing, but not about their mom currently popped in cryo. She had talked it over with SAM, right before the transfer—he couldn’t show Scott what he’d shown her. He’d promised and Ryder trusted him. 

“How’s your life on Aya?” Loey asked, shaking Ryder from her morose thoughts. “I’ve heard wonderful things about it.” Her words were careful, trying to avoid mentioning anything in relation to sight.

“It’s pretty good. Boring. It’s a pretty big change, going from having the steadiest hands of any sniper employed under the Nexus to sitting around in a house being doted on.” She folded her hands in her lap and closed her eyes. “It’s relaxing,” She lied. It  _ wasn’t  _ relaxing. Her anxiety was through the roof, knowing if there was an attack on Aya, she wouldn’t be of any use. Hell, if someone decided to off her via quiet assassination, it was likely she wouldn’t know they were coming. 

It was  _ agonising.  _

“I bet,” Loey agreed. “Well, you deserve to relax, after what you’ve done for everyone here.” 

“Believe me, the last thing I want to do is relax,” She cracked an eye open, and then shut it again at the blur of colour she saw. “At least not like this. I’d prefer to be on a beach somewhere, working on a tan. Maybe I can get Evfra to put on my sunscreen for me.” Ryder heard Scott’s disgusted snort and smiled.  

“There aren’t a lot of beaches in Andromeda. That we’ve found, at least,” Loey pointed out.

Ryder chuckled at her. “None that you know of,” She corrected. “I have a very cute angaran to show me around.” 

“I’ve only seen Jaal from afar, but he definitely isn’t hard to look at,” Loey agreed. Ryder contained her laughter and only smiled. “How are you going to wrestle him away from the Tempest long enough?”

“They have to dock sometime,” Ryder teased in response. She heard the sound of scissors clicking together behind her and jumped. “Could you warn me before you, you know, start putting scissors near my head?” 

“Of course,” Loey sounded apologetic. Ryder nodded and then sighed. This day just got longer with every minute she spent in the presence of other people. At least in the presence of  _ these  _ people. 

Ryder somehow made it through the haircut without a panic attack, and for that, she was thankful. She was still sort of shaky when she stood, glad she hadn’t met her end by a pair of scissors. Lexi had to go about halfway through, though her answer as to why was subpar and weak at best. Something about updating her patient files and whatnot. Complete bullshit. Lexi never needed to sit down and update  _ anything.  _ She was so anal about doing it in the moment, after all. 

“Where are we going?” Ryder asked on their way back to the Tempest; the floor felt different.  _ Sounded  _ different. They weren’t going to the docking bay. “Where are you taking me?” 

“Come on, you haven’t been on the Nexus in  _ forever, _ ” Scott teased, squeezing her arm. “Don’t you want to hit up the Vortex?” Ryder stopped walking. He stopped with her and she hoped her face conveyed how unhappy she was at the idea of it. 

“Not really?” She replied, frown deepening. “Do you really think I should be drinking? Or in a loud, noisy place? Because I don’t. Load me back onto the ship Scotty.” She shifted uncomfortably, closing her fingers around her cane and tapping it against the floor. “Look, I know you’re just trying to feel better, but this isn’t the way to do it. If you want to pity drink, take me back to the Tempest first.”

Scott went quiet. Ryder tapped her cane against the ground awkwardly, trying not to seem  _ too  _ impatient. “Or better yet,” She muttered quietly. “Why not buy a bottle and get smashed on the Tempest instead? At least then you won’t be gross sobbing out in public. And you won’t be doing it as an excuse to make my life a little less miserable.” 

“I just want you to have fun again.”

“This isn’t the way to do it.” Ryder pulled her arm from him. The feeling of being disconnected from him in an unknown environment was eerie and uncomfortable. She felt like she was suddenly adrift at sea—and that she had knowingly let go of her life buoy. “You didn’t get Lexi in on this plan, did you? I hope you didn’t. This was a dumb plan.” 

Ryder pinched the bridge of her nose with her now free hand. She tried to remember the way back to the ship—it wouldn’t be too dangerous. The docking here on the Nexus was easier to navigate, or is should have been. No ledges to fall off of. And maybe, just  _ maybe  _ she’d find Vetra along the way. She’d lend a hand. 

“I’m going to go take a nap,” Ryder muttered, turning on her heel. Her cane dragged against the metal as she did so. She swept it out in front of her lightly, making sure that the area was clear before taking a shaky step forward.  _ This isn’t too hard,  _ she reasoned with herself. 

“Are you seriously going to go back to the ship by yourself?” 

“I guess so,” Ryder replied, taking another step forward. “I love you and you’re my little brother—but I have enough problems as it is. I don’t need to be blind  _ and  _ stumbling home drunk with you. We’re a little too old for this sort of behaviour now.” She took a deep breath.  _ One step at a time. I can do this.  _ It was then that she realised she’d never really done this before. Walked only with her cane. She was typically guided by someone else. 

Weird.

“Wait.”

“No waiting, Scott. The Andromeda galaxy isn’t about waiting. It’s about charging forward and  _ doing.  _ So, you know. Do something.” She paused and took a deep breath. Her voice softened. “People still need you. And you can’t get bent out of shape like this, okay? It’s not a good look.” Another pause. “So, are you coming back to the ship, or are you going to go in there and feel sorry for yourself?”

Ryder began to move before she got an answer, though she wasn’t surprised when a strong hand clamped around her shoulder. She  _ was  _ surprised when she realised that it wasn’t Scott—it was  _ obviously  _ a krogan hand. 

“You  _ never  _ change, Sara. Standing out here, talking to yourself.” Ryder perked up at the sound of Kesh’s voice. “Though it’s not really to yourself, is it? I saw Scott dip into the Vortex just now.” 

Ryder shrugged. “Just showing some tough love. Or uncalled for assholery. I don’t know, I’m working through a lot of stuff right now.” She let her shoulders fall in time with a sigh. “Good timing though. I  _ kind  _ of don’t know where the Tempest is. Kind of.” 

“I’m not a valet, Sara,” Kesh teased. “Why not come over to my personal quarters? Visit with Vorn and the kids while I take care of business. With the look that Scott has on, it might be awhile before he returns to the Tempest. You can afford a little family time, can’t you?” 

The word family  _ almost  _ stung.

“I sure can.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of the chapter! Welcome :D
> 
> Want to stay updated? Want to chat or shoot me a prompt? Have an idea that you'd like me to consider for this pairing? Feel free to click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to do all these things and more!


End file.
